Just Plain Will – LikeTheDew.com https://likethedew.com A journal of progressive Southern culture and politics Sun, 17 Feb 2019 15:51:39 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.0.3 https://likethedew.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/cropped-DewLogoSquare825-32x32.png Just Plain Will – LikeTheDew.com https://likethedew.com 32 32 Justplainwill’s Guide to the Future (or at least 2014) https://likethedew.com/2013/12/31/justplainwills-guide-future-least-2014-2/ https://likethedew.com/2013/12/31/justplainwills-guide-future-least-2014-2/#comments Tue, 31 Dec 2013 14:06:08 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=54193

crystal-ballJustplainwill will now take your questions.

Dear Justplainwill:
I have been looking at those year-end 2013 TV news shows that review everything that happened over the past twelve months. Sure does look like a lot of stuff went down in 2013. A lot of stuff happened that I didn’t even know about when it was going on… sometimes right under my nose. Therein lies my problem Justplainwill. For some reason, this past year I only learned about some of the really important events after they happened. I guess I’m having a hard time staying in the loop. When I learned of anything that was really important, it was too late, the horse had already left the barn.
Justplainwill, I like surprises as much as anyone, but it is not good for a man in my position to get them as much as I apparently did in 2013. Next thing you know, people will say I don’t have a clue. If I can start telling people what’s going to happen they will be impressed with me. Everybody will think I’m smart. Can you tell me some stuff that’s going to happen next year?

Kasim R.
Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Kasim R.

You’ve come to the right place. Outlined below are a some of the headlines, stories and a few blurbs that you are sure to see on the year- end TV shows for 2014.

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UPS, FEDEX FINALLY DELIVER  CHRISTMAS 2013 PACKAGES ON FIRST DAY OF SPRING 2014. Both carriers flip-off critics saying “Get off our backs. We’re still better than the Post Office, dammit! And besides Biblical scholars say Christmas was very likely in March anyway.” Customers reply: “It’s a good thing Joseph and Mary rode a brown donkey to the first Christmas, instead of a Brown truck. Otherwise we’d be celebrating Christmas in September.”

***

20130713135902!Mickey_Mouse
© The Walt Disney Company

MEGAN KELLY ASSURES US THAT JUST LIKE JESUS, SANTA and NEWT, MICKEY MOUSE AND LESTER HOLT ARE ALSO WHITE GUYS.“ Her claims are supported by Fox News fake historian, Bill O’Reilly. Says “Who ya gonna believe, us at Fox News or your lyin’ eyes?”

***

Barber ShopOBAMACARE FIXED FOR GOOD. YOUNG MILLENNIALS FLOCK TO WEBSITE. White House sees 15,000,000 young citizens sign up in dramatic surge after making hair growth, bad hair days and tattoos pre-existing conditions. In a bold stroke of creative genius, the White House adds ‘Obama-hair’ to list of authorized services provided by ACA. As he crisscrossed the country, touting the advantages of the new benefit, President vowed “If you like your barber, you can keep your barber.” White House is currently mulling adding pedicures, called Obama-feet.

***

FAST EDDIE SNOWDEN REVEALS EVEN MORE STUFF THAT MOST AMERICANS ALREADY KNEW; CONTINUES TO PAT SELF ON THE BACK. Russian authorities were not really concerned in late 2103 when Snowden revealed in a Washington Post interview that he was “…living like an indoor cat.” They assumed that he was speaking metaphorically. However, Vladimir Putin, became disgusted when viewing a recent KGB surveillance film of the NSA leaker ‘meowing’, climbing the curtains, and scratching himself on the furniture. He ordered that Snowden be given catnip and also be thrown in jail in Upper Siberia. Putin said Snowden had “…worn out his welcome. And besides, we’ve had more than enough time to analyze the data on all those laptops Snowden stole took from the NSA. I wasn’t impressed with any of it. Hell, I thought that maybe Snowden had some stuff we could use. Near as we can tell, the NSA doesn’t know anymore than we Russians already knew. I was hopin’ the NSA had learned how to predict American Powerball numbers. Now that would have been stuff worth knowing. Stuff worth giving up a little amnesty for.”

Snowden gave his only 2014 interview to Fox News contributor Lara Logan, after promising her that he too was in Benghazi in September, 2012. Logan gushed that Snowden was a fascinating figure and has grown even more cat-like since last year. She indicated that he was obviously in-heat, acting very temperamental, humping her leg, and licking her face.

Logan reports Snowden, who famously once said that he “…didn’t want to want to live in a world where everything I do and say is recorded. That is not something I am willing to support or live under,” is cold, hungry and damp, living in a 4×8 jail cell on the Siberian frontier. She reports that Snowden spends much of his time watching out for U.S. drones and writing a Broadway play whose working title is “Be Careful What you Wish For.” Fast Eddie, as he is called by his cellmates, still insists that he “already won.”

***

JUSTIN BIEBER TURNS 19 FOR THE 5th TIME; BLASTS DOE STUDY LINKING BIEBER FEVER AND LOW SCHOLASTIC ACHIEVEMENT. The Biebs explains that he is perpetually 19 because it gives fans and other enablers even more time to tell the rest of us to “…get off his back, he’s just a kid, he’s gonna make mistakes.”

***

RAND PAUL DROPS OUT OF 2016 PRESIDENTIAL RACE. Candidate withdraws after USA Today poll reveals 75.7% of likely voters don’t want a Prez who looks strikingly —and recklessly— like Lee Harvey Oswald.

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ATLANTA AIRPORT MOVES LOCK, STOCK AND RUNWAY TO COBB COUNTY. Atlanta mayor swears he had no idea Hartsfield was leaving town until it was too late.

***

Bacon frying in a pan Pancetta fritta 炒腊肉IN ANOTHER HISTORIC AND PUZZLING REVERSAL, NIH SAYS BACON and trans-fats are good for you. Pig strips go the way of hand sanitizer, bottled water, washing raw chicken and a host of others. Fans hoping that fast cars, hot women and liquor will be next to receive endorsement from  the National Institute of Health.

***

ATLANTA POLICE HEADQUARTERS BURGLARIZED IN SMASH AND GRAB OF ATM. Mayor and Police Chief still doggedly insist that statistically, the city has no crime problem. “It’s just a matter of perception,” said Mayor Reed.

***
I hope this helps, Kasim R.,( if that is your real name). Check here in exactly one year to see how this all works out. When it does, don’t say I never told you so –Justplainwill

 

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Devil May Care? https://likethedew.com/2013/03/21/devil-may-care/ https://likethedew.com/2013/03/21/devil-may-care/#comments Thu, 21 Mar 2013 17:53:54 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=50099

Justplainwill will now take your questions.

obama-wan-kenobiDear Justplainwill:

I’m outraged.

Here I am, working my ass off, trying my best to get along with people on the other side of the aisle, trying to get a Grand Bargain and they pull this latest crap.

It’s not at all funny. When I first saw the picture we were at the water cooler just outside the Oval Office. I’d just separated Susan Rice and John Kerry. It was their third fistfight this week. (Rice is short but she has a temper and she was really kicking Kerry’s ass.) Anyway, it’s then that I see the picture falling out of Rice’s hands. Get this: the guy playing the Devil on the hit show, The Bible is my Doppelganger – my exact look-a-like.

I tried to play it off and say the guy looked nothing like me but then one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff points out that if you look closely, the hoodie Satan is wearing in last night’s episode of the show is sporting a Presidential Seal. “So obviously it must be you,” he says. Then, my wife, Michelle comes sashaying into the office, downstairs from the family quarters, sees the picture of Satan on my desk starts giggling.

“These your new publicity pictures, Baby?”, she says. Before I can say anything she says.and saying that the picture is more evidence that job has aged me some but that it is exactly the way I look early on a Saturday morning before I’ve shaved. Says its the reason she doesn’t like chopping the morning wood.

People have been teasing me about it all damn day; drawing horns on White House wall photos of me; looking at me all funny and stuff; and making comments about it on my Facebook wall. This afternoon at the Cabinet Meeting, I catch Eric Holder staring at my feet . So I ask him ‘You got some kind of foot fetish or something and he cracks back and says he was looking to see if I had cloven hooves instead of feet. I told him “ ‘…to kiss my…’, but before I could finish the thought, the phone rings and it’s that Pope Francis character giving me a hard time. He calls me right after his inauguration or whatever and says, “Now don’t forget, son, I still know how to perform an exorcism — just in case you know someone—“someone close to you”, he says – who might have a bit of the devil in him.” Yeah, right.

The upshot to all this is that lately I’ve been reaching out and schmoozing the Republicans like everybody says I should have been doing all along. Hell, I’ve been aimlessly walking the halls of the Capitol, lobbying anybody who’ll be seen talking to me and inviting them to dinner to talk out our problems. Last Thursday, I was even willing to let bygones be bygones and took that Paul Ryan idiot to lunch. The White House Press Corps was laughing behind my back saying ‘Obama must be really desperate to wine and dine a guy that even the other Republicans didn’t like anymore and for whom nobody in his home state voted for last November. That George Will so and so even started the rumor that since the schmooze stuff started, I was even giving campaign contributions to Republicans in exchange for a ‘Yea’ vote on a Grand Bargain. (This is not true by the way, even though I admit the thought did cross my mind.)

With regard to the actual ‘schmoozing’, you should see how much ‘government spending’ these bastards are willing to do when it comes to food and liquor and when another branch of the government is picking up the tab at the end of the night. Not one of those sons of bitches ever reached for the check. I’ve actually been paying for all the wining and dining with my personal credit card, which has turned out to be a bit of a problem. Michelle is not at all happy about me running up the credit card bills, squandering money on people who don’t even like us. On the other hand, she does admit that taking the Republicans out to dinner is way better than having any of them over to the White House because, as she told me just before I took the GOP’ers out the last time: “Baby, take ’em all out to a nice restaurant if you have to, ’cause they can’t come over here. We’d have to count all damn the silverware before and after the motherf&^%#$ left just to make sure that hadn’t stolen it.”

Justplainwill, I’ve done everything I know to do to patch things up between me and the Republicans short of calling in Dr. Phil to counsel all of us. I would have called him too but it turns out that damn Dr. Phil is a Republican. Anyway, this latest prank was no friendly practical joke. They are actually fostering the idea that I am Satan. This is just the last damn straw. It’s also another example of Republican revisionist history. Hell, everybody knows for a fact that Satan looks exactly like Dick Cheney!

I need your help, Justplainwill. What I should do about this latest outrage–and how can I get a Grand Bargain?

Barry O.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Barry:

Relax. Lighten up. Don’t take it personally. I have it on good authority the Doppelganger who plays you… er, rather ‘the Devil’ was actually the Casting Director’s fourth choice. The look-a-likes for Dick Cheney, Donald Trump and Dennis Rodman were already booked elsewhere on the day of filming.

drones circlingIf I were you I’d seize upon this ‘POTUS as Satan’ thing as a real opportunity. I’m serious. It’s obvious that the program of getting the Republicans together and schmoozing them is not working. (‘If you schmooze you lose’ as it were.) Accordingly, the next time you invite the Republicans for another one of those ridiculous Boys Nights Out, before you leave the White House to meet them at the restaurant, put on a black cloak and hoodie* and show up as your supposed alter-ego, the Black Angel of Death himself. Brandish one of those need-to-be-banned assault weapons just under your coat and also arrange for Hagel to have a couple of drones circling overhead for…er, uh… the purposes of effect and verisimilitude. You can bet that the Republicans will capitulate –and ABRA-KA-DABRA VOILA! — you’ll have your Grand Bargain on the budget –and with extra tax revenue from the wealthy class! You will probably even get their agreement on the assault weapons ban to boot and believe me, nobody, not even that Rand Paul will be questioning your use of drones.

You can trust Justplainwill on this Barry, because if there’s one thing that terrifies Republicans more than prospect of progressive societal change (or that yet another one of them is going to having to suddenly change their minds about same-sex marriage because one of their own brood has just announced they are gay), it’s the possibility of the existence of Hell and that they may actually be ‘in’ Hell – in just a few seconds!

After you get the Grand Bargain, even the right wing conservatives will be amazed and in a permanent state awe of your cleverness and aplomb. If you listen closely, you’ll even hear them saying things such as: “Ol’ Obama really got his way with it all this time… that ol’ sly devil!”

Your pal,
Justplainwill

 

*By the way, when you have on this black hoodie get-up, you might refrain from walking around the immediate environs of Samford, Florida.

 

In a quandry about life, love, sex, money, homework or even “Why the hell do John Mayer and Katy Perry even bother with each other anymore?” Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

 

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Advice from a Fiscal Cliff Dweller https://likethedew.com/2012/12/07/advice-from-a-fiscal-cliff-dweller/ https://likethedew.com/2012/12/07/advice-from-a-fiscal-cliff-dweller/#comments Fri, 07 Dec 2012 22:30:41 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=46635 Justplainwill, noted Arctic explorer, online tooth extractor and Spiritual Adviser will now answer your latest questions:
Dear Justplainwill: Lately, every time I turn on the TV, the guy looking back at me is yapping about the fiscal cliff. He's telling me about how those people in Washington, D.C. have the whole damn country headed straight for it. Hell, it seems just as we were on the verge of getting the ship righted and almost out of the recession, the pols seem hell bent on running this sumbitch off the road AGAIN! Should I be worried, Justplainwill? What lies over the cliff? What happens to me if we fall off?
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Justplainwill, noted Arctic explorer, online tooth extractor and Spiritual Adviser will now answer your latest questions:

Dear Justplainwill:

Lately, every time I turn on the TV, the guy looking back at me is yapping about the fiscal cliff. He’s telling me about how those people in Washington, D.C. have the whole damn country headed straight for it. Hell, it seems just as we were on the verge of getting the ship righted and almost out of the recession, the pols seem hell bent on running this sumbitch off the road AGAIN! Should I be worried, Justplainwill? What lies over the cliff? What happens to me if we fall off?

Clifford Hangers
Atlanta, Georgia

Dear Clifford,

First of all, you’ve come to the right place. Under no circumstances should you seek this kind of advice from just anyone — especially from one of those high priced TV or radio types like Clark Howard, Jean Chatsky or even one of those overpaid Jimmy Choo shoe wearing, Maria Bartiromo look-a-like know-it-alls that troll the morning TV shows. Most of them wouldn’t know the difference between a fiscal cliff and Montgomery Clift. I, on the other hand, have lived through enough marriages, divorces, breakups, down-sizings, right-sizings, firings and general economic downturns to have tumbled over the fiscal cliff any number of times and have the scars (gaping, open wounds really) to prove it. I can tell you exactly what’s going to happen.

To give you an overview of things to come: whatever it is you’ve been doing these last few years before the fiscal cliff, expect to do less of it. A LOT less. This includes (but is not limited to such activities as)eating, watching cable TV, having female companionship and quite possibly, sleeping indoors.

Cable TV will likely be the very first thing to go. Unless you have been stealing your next door neighbor’s cable feed, that Pay-Per View stuff costs money. You will quickly find out that those people over at Bombcast can be quite touchy about non payment. They do not mind convincing you of their displeasure by “interrupting your service.” And without prior notice too! (In one of my own early falls down the fiscal cliffs, a woman who looked remarkably like Oprah (at the time, the ruler of daytime TV) came over and yanked the cable right out of my den wall. Let me tell you, she was pissed! Don’t despair though as there is, of course, Free-TV. I just hope you will enjoy watching those Leave It to Beaver marathons instead of Breaking Bad or Homeland in the company of your wife, girlfriend, fiance, lady-in-waiting or whatever your present arrangement may be.

Speaking of… er, uh… female companionship, Clifford, the sad truth is that whether you are renting it for the weekend, have a Lease-to-Own Plan or have outright title to it already, female companionship typically requires money. It’s just the nature of things.Like physics or Newton’s Third Law of Motion.  (This is true even if you happen to be another female, but I digress.) Once the nation falls off the fiscal cliff, you will have proportionately less money to spend on your female companion of choice. You can bet she’ll notice it too and call it to your attention, using words and phrases that are not at all complimentary.

If by chance you have been funding such activities using the credit card method of romance finance and can no longer make the minimum monthly payments, you can forget about that aspect of your former life altogether. Even if your female companion has allowed you to fund the relationship by her giving you something roughly akin to a Pell Grant, you can expect her to rescind said grant depending upon her mood about her own prospects on the other side of the fiscal cliff.

The next things that you will notice as being missing from your daily… er, itinerary are types of recreation that don’t necessarily involve a member of the opposite sex but still require money: golf, movies, football games, drinking beer with the boys and bar-be-que. Of course, you will be able to put this extra time you’ve now got on your hands by foraging for food since the memory of eating three square meals a day will be as distant as a star in the Milky Way.

I know this next one seems counter-intuitive but you will very likely gain weight during your ride over the cliff. Here’s the thing. It costs money to eat nutritiously. Think about it player, almost any foodstuff that is nutritious will not only carry an exotic name and be available only at some boutique grocers in the next zip code, a pound of it will all also carry a price that is equal to that of a barrel of crude oil. On the other hand, cheap food though more widely available is invariably rich in gluten, trans-fats, high fructose corn syrup and high caloric content. Think about again Cliff, fatcats are generally anything but…well …er, huh… “fat”.

Get use to eating in the dark too, Cliff. If you think the people at Bombcast are touchy about non-payment, the people at your local power company are infinitely worse. They seem to have heard every excuse in the book and they know exactly where the POWER OFF switch is to your house. I understand that when it comes to dealing with recalcitrant customers their motto is “You can hide your car from the repo man, but you can’t hide your house from us. We know exactly where you live.”

I figure the power company people’s poor attitude is a direct result of having to sit next to all that high voltage all those years, but nevertheless you might consider laying in a supply of size D flashlight batteries for when things really get bad.

Clifford, the bottom line to all of this is that you will need to learn how to live with less. Probably a lot less. And no matter what any Eastern religious taoist philosopher/con man on PBS may try to sell you on the concept of Minimalism and the idea that suddenly having a lot less stuff and fewer entertainment options is really a gift from the universe, it’s not, Cliff. It’s just not. Less is not more. Less is ….well…less. Usually, it’s decidedly or even remarkably less. You can also take solace in the fact that no matter what you may have heard, whatever doesn’t kill you, does not make you stronger…it just doesn’t kill you. You can trust Justplainwill on this.

Lastly, as the late actress Betty Davis once said with regard to the fiscal cliff: “Fasten your seat belts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.”

I hope this helps… and don’t say me and Betty didn’t warn you.

Sincerely,
Justplainwill

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Southerner’s Guide to Lovin’ the London Olympics https://likethedew.com/2012/07/30/southerners-guide-to-lovin-the-london-olympics/ https://likethedew.com/2012/07/30/southerners-guide-to-lovin-the-london-olympics/#comments Mon, 30 Jul 2012 22:57:07 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=41037 God bless your heart, you are really going to try this year. You're really going to try. Not to watch at least a little of the telecasts would be downright unpatriotic you tell yourself.

Truth is, you've never been terribly enthusiastic about the Olympics anyway. The only reason you really watch is to root for the Americans even though sometimes you have no Earthly idea what sport it is you're looking at. What is “dressage” exactly, you'd like to know. It sounds like something involving a needle and thread or black patent leather pumps...

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God bless your heart, you are really going to try this year. You’re really going to try.

Not to watch at least a little of the telecasts would be downright unpatriotic you tell yourself.

Olympic mascots - Wenlock & Mandeville
Olympic mascots Wenlock & Mandeville (London2012.com)

Truth is, you’ve never been terribly enthusiastic about the Olympics anyway. The only reason you really watch is to root for the Americans even though sometimes you have no Earthly idea what sport it is you’re looking at. What is “dressage” exactly, you’d like to know. It sounds like something involving a needle and thread or black patent leather pumps… something your snooty Great Aunt Edna might be drawn to watch.

You haven’t really been excited about the Summer Games since you arrived at the age at which you can no longer awake at 3:00 in the morning, watch live Olympic events twelve time zones away and still get to work by 9:00 a.m. somewhere in Dixie. The last time you tried it — the Sydney Games, you think it was — the experience left you all bleary-eyed, red-faced and you showed up at the office with a bad case of bed hair and looking like you’d been on a three day bender.

The best Olympics in your opinion was the one they held in Atlanta a few years back. It was in the right time zone and the people in Atlanta spoke “proper Anglish” the way that God and Billy Payne intended. Of course by your way of thinking, that Olympics was just practice for the really important sports event the people in Atlanta would put on later that year: the SEC Football Championship.

The Summer Games are just held at the wrong time of year, you think. They always have been. They ought to be held in February just after the Super Bowl, before baseball’s Opening Day and as a warm up to Spring football and when there’s nothing else much in the way of TV sports. Late July is Back to School Season and everybody knows that lil’ slice of time exists for one thing and one thing only: pre-season football camp… and determining who’s going to make the three deep depth chart rotation at Alabama or maybe Florida.


Water Polo at the 2012 Olympics in London
Marco. Polo. Shark. (London2012.com)

Really, you’ve always thought the list of Olympic events was a little suspect. For example, where you come from, two of the Olympics most high profile sports, track and swimming are non-revenue producing sports. Track guys are mostly ex-wide receivers with bad hands. Most of ’em couldn’t catch fire even if they were wearing gasoline shoes and running through flames. They are running on the track team track because of all those dropped passes, they’ve lost their football “scholies.” As far as the swimmers are concerned, you can’t tell any of the tall, skinny white guys apart from each other whether they are in the water or out. You can’t tell Michael Phelps from Digger Phelps, Missy Franklin from Aretha Franklin.And yeah, they set Olympic records from time to time, but you want to see some some real world records set. You figure the best kind of performance enhancement for swimmers is not any of the hard stuff like steroids. Rather, you think that this year, the IOC should hold the swimming events in the Thames River and put a couple of great white sharks in one of the swimming lanes. That’ll motivate those swimmers to go fast, you say.

Come to think about it, you’re not sure that we even sent all of our best people to all of the events. A good example of this is the pentathlon, an event in which the competitors run an obstacle course of sorts and then shoot a laser gun at a static target. To you, this sounds an awful lot like a drive-by although in this case it might be better referred to as a “run-by” shooting.  You’re also certain the U.S. would be better represented by one of the Crips or the Bloods than some little Midwestern girl with manicured nails, whose never shot at a rabbit or a squirrel in her life.

An actual equestrian event at the 2012 Olympics in London (London2012.com)
An actual equestrian event. (London2012.com)

This year, the Olympic Organizing Committee have added women’s boxing to the list of events. You think women’s mud wrestling would have been more like it and imminently better. You bet you’ve seen better cat fights at Tooey’s Bar over in Marietta. And with mud wrestling, you wouldn’t even need uniforms. What about some truly Southern sports for a change: Olympic NASCAR? or Olympic Bass Fishing?

You admit to yourself there is one aspect of the Olympics that you do endorse: the Opening Ceremonies, and especially this year. You kinda like the choreography, how everybody marches in and does everything in synch with each other… You like synchronicity. And you reluctantly admit to yourself that with the break up of the FAMU band,the Opening Ceremonies in London may be the only time all season that you’ll get to see a good on field, half-time show.

Compared to FAMU, you say to yourself, every other school is just an Average White Band – and they broke up ages ago.


In the end though, you will watch if only to see what happens with all those back stories.

That's Lolo in the center. (Robert Rosenberg)
That’s Lolo in the center. (Robert Rosenberg)

For example, one of the female runners, Lolo Something-or-other, who competes in the 100 meter dash, has been talking all over TV about the fact that she’s a thirty year old virgin. You don’t know if she’s braggin’ or complain’in. If she’s doing the later, all you know is that maybe she would have more luck if she just slowed her runnin’ down a bit and let some guy catch up to her.

You are also reminded that there are other issues: What will the Chinese gymnasts try to get away with this year? If its not the same gymnasts that were in Beijing, you bet that they are still lying about their age. This may be the only time in the history of womankind in which one of them has lied about her age as being older!

There is also behind the cameras intrigue in the broadcasting of the games.

For example, what role will Ann Curry, recently of the TODAY SHOW have in reporting for NBC.

In the most public of ways since former Mississippi head football coach, Jackie Sherill castrated a steer as a motivational technique for his football team, Ms. Curry was sacked  from NBC’s TODAY Show. It was not fun to watch though most everyone, it seems, did over a couple of week period. Miss Curry was essentially left for dead, yet she will be one of the reporters from the Olympics in London. You will tune in to see whether or not they will have her demonstrate the new Olympic sport of Javelin Catching as a way of finally finishing her off.


photo of a fat couch potato eating a huge hamburger and watching television
Actual viewer.

Despite your concerns about the Games, you’re going to do your duty and watch. You’re no complainer. Watching is free—more or less anyway, you don’t have to get in traffic and not a one of the Kardashians is likely to show up… not as a competitor anyway.

You also promised your inner child that you’d watch together. And by now you’ve got him or her trained to only laugh at only the non-Americans who fall off the pommel horse. You also have those latent fantasies about Lolo Jones, the lightning fast virgin from Louisiana. You wonder how how fast she’d be able to run donned in shoulder pads while wearing the red of the Crimson Tide and the number “1.” Can she catch a football and make a few extra yards after the catch. Is she good enough to make the three deep depth chart in the Alabama backfield?

Rule Britannia….er, uh…Roll Tide.

 

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Day In Court https://likethedew.com/2012/07/03/day-in-court/ https://likethedew.com/2012/07/03/day-in-court/#comments Tue, 03 Jul 2012 18:50:23 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=40482 Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Kanye West and Kim Kardashian??? You're kiddin' me, right? I mean does Kim even know any white guys?” Write JustPlainWill@LikeTheDew.com .

Dear Justplainwill:
Until about a week ago, everything in my world was fine. In fact, you might even say it was exceptional. I had a nice job in the jurisprudence game, a late model car, good looking wife, smart kids and great standing in the community...

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Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Kanye West and Kim Kardashian??? You’re kiddin’ me, right? I mean does Kim even know any white guys?” Write JustPlainWill@LikeTheDew.com.

Dear Justplainwill:

John Roberts and the United States Supreme Court 2012. Left to right. Stephen Breyer, Sonia Sotomayor, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Clarence Thomas, Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Elena Kagan, Antonin Scalia, Anthony Kennedy, and Samuel Alito by DonkeyHotey from his Flickr Photostream
John Roberts and the United States Supreme Court (DonkeyHotey)

Until about a week ago, everything in my world was fine. In fact, you might even say it was exceptional. I had a nice job in the jurisprudence game, a late model car, good looking wife, smart kids and great standing in the community. In fact, I was very often referred to as the “Darling of the Right-Wing.” People looked up to me and even asked my opinion on political issues. You know, stuff like that.

Then suddenly, all of that changed. Now everybody hates me.

This is all because of an incident that occurred at work a few days ago. Me and a few of the gang — we only half-kiddingly call ourselves”the Supreme’s” — were goofing around the water-cooler, shooting rubber bands, paper clips and flicking boogers at each other. Breyer and Thomas were also talking smack, bragging about which one of them had the biggest robe.

I’d just hit ol’ Kennedy in the eye with this big-ass spit-ball when someone, I think it was that spoil-sport, Alito, said we needed to quit horsing around and get down to business. Another one of the fellas says “Yeah, Sam’s right. We gotta get back to work.” And then he brings up the Affordable Healthcare Act, Obamacare. I said “ Aw, hell, the damn thing is obviously constitutional, no two ways about it.” In the flash of an eye –I mean just like that– Anthony Kennedy calls me a liar. Scalia then said I was a damned liar! Breyer, I think it was, says to Scalia “Who you call’in a damn lie, you ol’ so and so? The boss is right. It is constitutional.” People were starting to get loud.

As almost always happens, things escalated and pretty soon guys were coming out of their robes, throwing them down on the floor and there are fists flying and legal briefs and paper clips being thrown everywhere. The next thing you know, Breyer and Scalia are scuffling on the floor and the womenfolk in the office come running in like banshees wanting to get in on the action. That little one, Ginsburg I think her name is, gets mean when there’s a fight and she’s been known to bite people. We have these kind of scraps all the time, so I was kinda expecting it. It’s just part of the job. Anyway, another one of the women, ether Sotomayor or Kagan (I can hardly tell them apart) comes in and tells everyone to break it up and to act like adults. She reminded us that the police had warned us the last time that they were getting tired of being called to this address and if they ever had to come up here again that one of us Supremes was going to the hoosegow. We all knew that if the cops came there’d be a lot of explaining to do and not a one of us had bail money since it was still a couple of days until payday. So everybody goes back to their respective chambers and as usual, leaving it to me, to fix everything.

A few days later, I released the official decision on Healthcare and again all hell breaks loose again and everyone blames me. I guess it wasn’t what everybody wanted to hear. In fact, from the looks of things, nobody wanted to hear it, except maybe that Barack Obama. Half of my friends on Facebook have de-friended me, and my real friends, the ones that used to be good for a sawbuck are all asking “How could you do such a thing?” One of the right-wing talk show hosts questioned my competence. Another questioned my sanity and even my sobriety, saying that I had made the decision and written the majority opinion while I was drunk. One guy said that the only thing that explains it was that Obama must have had pictures of me in a compromising position with some barnyard animals or maybe John Travolta. Rush, Glenn Beck, Bill Reilly — all of ’em — accused me of being a coward, a traitor and even worse, a Democrat.

All this hurts, Justplainwill. Hell, I bet Rush Limbaugh has never even read the Constitution. I doubt Glenn Beck can read at all. So who are they to question me?

What really hurts is my posse’ — the boys that I hang with at work over at SCOTUS, Scalia, Alito, Kennedy and Clarence — won’t even talk to me anymore. Yesterday, Scalia tried to start a food fight and threw some broccoli at me when we were in the SCOTUS cafeteria line. Anthony Kennedy flipped me a bird and told me to “go kick rocks.” Hell, I always figured, Justplainwill, that if anybody would like my opinion on Healthcare it would be a Kennedy. The real heart breaker though, was Clarence. He hardly ever says anything at all unless Scalia tells him it’s ok. But this morning when I said “Good Morning” as I passed by, Clarence drops trou’, bent over, moons me and says “Yo Mama.” (I was really disappointed in this, because I figured that if anyone knew what it felt like to be on the outside looking in it would be a brother.)

What can I do, Justplainwill to get my mojo back? In the meantime, I’ve just decided to keep my opinions to myself and not shoot off my big mouth anymore.

John Roberts
Chief Justice, SCOTUS
Washington, D.C.

Dear Chief:

First, this is why you should never talk about religion or politics at work.

Second, welcome to our world. Now you know what the rest of us have to put up with everyday.

Third, by now you should know better than to expect any kind of sympathy from Clarence. Yeah, he looks like a brother but Scalia hasn’t explained to him yet that he is one, so he has no clue.

As far as the loss of status in the community as well as the verbal onslaught and retribution that you’ve received from the right-wing is concerned, I have faced this same situation any number of times. I have felt deserted by family, friends, neighbors and even my dog, “Alibi.” The last time was when an eighteen year old girl, whom I’d never seen before in my life but who looked remarkably and strikingly like me arrived on my doorstep and greeted me as “Daddy.” Believe you me, Justplainwilma, my seventh wife was not amused. She was not in a contemplative mood and let loose a torrent of cuss words and a barrage of fists that would make anything that Rush Limbaugh or Glen Beck should have possibly said about you seem like a Sunday School testimonial. (She said “You can’t say the ‘the dog did it’ this time, just like you do everything else.”)

With regard to getting back your mojo, the upper hand or just plain status in the community, my recommendation in these situations is to get even. As any garden variety advice-giver, spiritual advisor, or just plain know it all knows, the best way to get revenge is through ‘fear’. Here’s what you should do:

First, call Rush, Beck, and all of the Right -Wingers into a meeting and remind all of the bastards, who are giving you a hard time that you’re in the job for life. They are stuck with you. S-T-U-C-K. Also remind them that on the court docket in the near future are cases concerning gay marriage, gun control, affirmative action, as well as the legalization of marijuana. Furthermore, tell them that the recent decisions on Arizona and AHA are just a hint of things to come. Tell them to just “…wait and see what else, I’ve got up my sleeve… er, I mean under my robe.”

Next — and this is key — you then triumphantly announce that you have recently gone to the mountain top, studied with the masters, become even more enlightened and than you already were and as a result have changed your “…whole damn belief system.” You now are in re-examining your long held positions on gay marriage, legalization of weed and bestiality. If you can manage to make the announcement while dragging on a ganja joint at the same time, all the better.

Lastly, tell them that not only do you believe in gay marriage, you’ve been performing some gay marriages every weekend in Massachusetts in order to earn some extra coin. After all you say “Might as well get some use out of the robe on the weekends. Other wise its just hanging there in the closet.”

I hope this helps.

Judicially yours,
Justplainwill

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Now, Shut up, open wide and say “Ah!” https://likethedew.com/2012/06/14/now-shut-up-open-wide-and-say-ah/ https://likethedew.com/2012/06/14/now-shut-up-open-wide-and-say-ah/#comments Fri, 15 Jun 2012 02:41:14 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=40008 Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Is a Republican saying 'yes' to Obama a sure sign of the Apocalypse? Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com for advice.

Dear Justplainwill:

My husband is so hardheaded. I cannot get him to see a doctor, even when he might be ailing. Unless, at that very moment, he is sporting an open wound and gushing blood like a BP Oil spill, he just won't go.

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Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Is a Republican saying ‘yes’ to Obama a sure sign of the Apocalypse? Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com for advice.

Dear Justplainwill:

My husband is so hardheaded. I cannot get him to see a doctor, even when he might be ailing. Unless, at that very moment, he is sporting an open wound and gushing blood like a BP Oil spill, he just won’t go. He just won’t. The last time he consented to see a medic was when we were already in the hospital emergency room and in triage.

I myself, have always scheduled regular visits to the internist and gynecologist in order to be reassured that all of my insides were functioning properly. Doing so gives me a sense of well being and I want my husband to have that same peace of mind. I’ve tried everything from withholding sex to threatening to make him watch movies on the Lifetime Channel. But he just won’t co-operate.

Other than pulling a gun and putting a bullet in him – thus making the doctor’s visit really necessary – tell me how can I get this silly bastard to do the right thing?

Ovum Hatch
Rash, Alabama

Dear Ovum:

This is a long-standing problem and you certainly are not the first wife, girlfriend, fiance, mistress or lady-in-waiting to have it.

Most guys wouldn’t dream of willingly going anywhere near a doctor and haven’t seen the inside of the physician’s waiting room in a coon’s age. Government statistics prove as much, offering that the ratio of women to men in waiting rooms is roughly 1,756 to 1. It’s just not something we relish doing. Deep in our gut, we know getting up on a medical examining table is the cosmic tripwire event that will unleash Armageddon. On the other hand, just waking up every morning is as a good a sign as we need to be certain everything on our insides is fine even if it feels like something in there is a burning, smoldering inferno. It’s also cheaper.

To be totally honest, husbands, boyfriends and the just plain bums among us have never been completely comfortable with the idea that our womenfolk were so all fired anxious to flock to the doctor’s office in the first place. The fact you people seemed to be so hell bent on going some place other than home and take your clothes off is downright alarming. It makes us scratch our head and wonder “…what the hell is really going on down at that doctor’s office anyway?” We haven’t made a big stink about it because we’re really afraid of what you might tell us if we start asking too many questions. (And even if what might going on over there is totally innocent or even er… “scientific,” all that flocking to any one place is how rumors, gossip and innuendo get started.)

It’s unfortunate Ms. Hatch, but as with almost everything else really problematical in life, the solution is in the hands of someone else – usually a crowd of Republicans. In this case, the answer lies with doctors themselves – ‘Doctor heal thyself,’ as it were.

Recognize Ovum, inside every grown male –no matter what race, creed, religious persuasion or color car he drives– is a little boy just yip-yip-yippin’ to bust out. Professionals refer to this as the ‘inner child’. Admittedly though, taking a truly professional approach when it comes to dealing with any allegedly grown man has never gotten anyone anywhere. (You can ask any successful used car dealer, winning NFL coach or any strip club owner.) As with any small boy, in order to get your man to do virtually anything, he must be baited—lured with something to hit, drink, eat or watch on TV.

In case you haven’t noticed –and apparently doctors haven’t – guys will flock to any place offering free food, cheap liquor, half-naked women and a flat screen TV. A golf putting green sometimes works. As an example, you can find all of these things in the Hooter’s business model and you never hear them complaining about not having enough men customers.

By the way, Ovum this same general approach also works for enticing your husband, boyfriend or garden-variety layabout to church services. Ministers and clerics have a similar problem on Sundays, when the women in attendance outnumber men by numbers that are…well, Biblical.

I hope this helps.

Your pal,
Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

I’m a beginning to get a little nervous that Mitt could actually win this thing. I took a good gander at him the other day and it dawned on me that he meets the two most fundamental requirements Americans insist on having in a President. First, he’s tall. Second, he has a full head of hair.

Just the notion of Mitt as POTUS makes my belly ache. I’ve been suspicious of him from the very beginning, ever since I learned he spelled his name with two “t”’s. One “t” seems more than enough. My daddy told me to always be wary of a fellow who takes more of anything than is needed to get the job done. Given that he’s also spending all those millions of dollars to get elected, drives around in two Cadillacs, and uses more of the alphabet than is needed to say “mit”, I figure Daddy was right.

My biggest problem with Mitt is that he promises that Obama-care would be repealed and replaced on Day One of his administration. Even though Mitt drones on and on about how much he knows and how good he is, he hasn’t given us one damn clue as to his how his replacement for Obamacare would work. I’m beginning to think that he doesn’t have a replacement. Or a clue! Justplainwill, I need health insurance of some kind. When it comes to helping sick folks, what does that Mitt Romney have up his sleeve?

Hydrangea Bush
Nuchols, KY

Dear Hydrangea:

From the looks of things, you might as well quit your belly-achin’ since there may not be a way to treat it.

After doing a little digging and researching, we’ve figured out that if Mitt wins, he will implement a national healthcare delivery system that will rival that of any country in the underdeveloped world. Of course, it will still be viewed as a beacon of American Exceptionalism by many third world potentates as well as by those on the right-wing of the plane that we ‘ll all be flying in.

Find below, a draft Talking Points memo on Mitt’s Healthcare program, expected to rolled out and implemented on Day Two of a Mitt Administration. (Somehow, the memo just fell into my hands…er…honest!)

To: GOP Campaign Surrogates and Romney Administration Wannabees
Fr: Mitt
Re: TALKING POINTS – SOS America

________________________________________________________________

This memo guides the reader through the roll-out of the campaign’s healthcare initiative: America SOS. It provides you with proven, successful talking points to use when you are appearing on the Sunday morning shows such as Beat the Press, This Weak, Face the Music and others. Please stick to the script and do not get off message.

Note that on Day 2 of a Romney Administration, I, President Mitt will implement a broad national healthcare initiative to replace Obamacare. It is simple, straightforward, and easy to remember. Best of all, it requires very, very little government spending.

1. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

The cornerstone of the new program is personal responsibility. As President Mitt, I will remind Americans that it is unpatriotic to “need healthcare in the first damn place.”Right-thinking Americans must strive to no longer get sick, have accidents, or get in the way of tornadoes, hurricanes, floods or forest fires. Americans will now engage in such activities at their own risk and will not be bailed out.” In order to support this aspect of the program, I will ‘incentivize’ the tax code so that the sick and infirmed will be taxed in proportion to their degree of illness, discomfort and their inconvenience to the rest of us.

TALKING POINT

When the opposition says: “This is just tomfoolery… and a damn ridiculous concept. It will never work.”

Your response: “We must reclaim the our roots. Go back to a time when all Americans took personal responsibility for everything and everyone’s life expectancy was considerably less.”

Note to campaign surrogate: Some people, particularly journalists and the liberals, will express their displeasure and question your sanity. You though, will firm your lip, stand your ground and respond “We’ve got to balance the budget. Whine if you wanna…but you’ve been warned, bitches.”

2. ELIMINATION OF THE FAT:

Not only are we going to cut fat from the budget, we are going to cleverly eliminate the concept of obesity from people! This is truly revolutionary. Specifically, on Day Three, I, President Mitt will re-define “what is” and “who is” actually fat. The Republican leaders of the Congress have agreed to legally mandate that those liberal insurance industry height to weight charts be thrown out and re-written. An American male, who is 5’10” and weighs 400 lbs and formerly deemed morbidly obese is now, under our new program, healthy, svelte and Hollywood movie leading man material. This is an innovative program. For too long, Americans have been held in the vise-like grip of those insurance height and weight tables. Our program changes all that. Forever! With the stroke of a pen, we will be transformed from one of the most overweight countries to one of the healthiest.

TALKING POINT

When the opposition says: “You can’t do that. It’s delusional, unrealistic and flies in the face of reality.”

Your response: “Of course, we can. It’s the same thing we did a few years ago on global warming –we just ignored the warnings and questioned the science. And if somebody wants to give us a hard time, we’ll leave the ‘height to weight’ tables just as they are and write legislation that declares that a foot is now equal to six inches and a yard is two feet. Clever, hunh?

When the liberals respond: “But ….”

You’ll have the last word by interrupting and saying: “Lookit, that Michelle Obama woman is constantly sashaying all over about the country complaining about how fat Americans are. She claims obesity is the root cause of all of our health problems from pink eye to toenail fungus. It’s downright shameful how she goes on. Lately, she’s taken to blaming American kids, saying they eat too much fast food, move too little and watch too much TV. She’s committing generational theft if you ask me. American kids have every right to be just as fat as their parents and grandparents. It’s their birthright.” (Fold your arms emphatically and say “Harrumph!)

3. SOS SAFETY NET
As always, there will some people who will not cooperate and insist upon getting sick or suffering some kind of calamity. On Day Four of the Mitt Administration, I will announce that we are bringing out of mothballs, the hospital ship, the S.S. Hope. You recall the SS Hope was used to treat all the sicko’s in those unfortunate countries across the ocean. We’ll sail the ship up and down the U.S. coast treating people and dispensing medical supplies, just like we used to do for some of the other countries back in the Sixties.

Every week, the ship will be anchored in a new place along the coast and just offshore. Nearly half of all American live within 300 miles of an ocean. Sick Americans will thus have real easy access to medical services. Americans will come from all over to swim out to the ship to be treated. This part of the program will be called America SOS: America Sink or Swim.

TALKING POINT
When the opposition says: “You can’t expect people to swim out to some ship. Are you nuts…?”

You say “Remember silly, the boat will be anchored offshore, off the beach! There’s not an American, sick or healthy, who doesn’t love to go to the beach. And this will be like a free trip. Well, sorta anyway. I mean they’ve got to go right past the beach to get to the boat. Might as well stop and play in the surf a bit.”(You wink at the camera, as if you know something that nobody else does.)

When the opposition says: “What about Americans who don’t live anywhere near a coastline. Are they just ‘ship out of luck’?”

You say: Now (insert name here), that’s just crass. Of course not. Eventually, we’ll put the ship on wheels and drag it overland.”

The opposition will say: Hunh…so what will those Americans in-land be doing in the meantime?

You say: “Why (insert name here again) Americans in dire straits will be doing what they’ve always done –and this is the beauty of it: ‘They’ll waiting for their ship to come in.”

Hydrangea, from the looks of things, if Mitt becomes POTUS, you better plan on not getting sick, learn to swim or maybe learning “Better Health through Voo-Doo.”

Yours in good health,
Justplainwill

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Dear Justplainwill: Man(ning) Up! https://likethedew.com/2012/03/09/dear-justplainwill-manning-up/ https://likethedew.com/2012/03/09/dear-justplainwill-manning-up/#comments Fri, 09 Mar 2012 23:09:50 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=37795

Dear Justplainwill:

I'm frustrated!

I have spent the last fourteen years serving humankind – as well as humankind's Indianapolis branch - by being, many people say, the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen. Sadly, after giving the Colts the best years of my life, I have suddenly been cast adrift.

The only thing I was told when given the pink slip by management is that over the past year or so, I have become 'a royal pain in the neck' (their term, not mine) and that my services were no longer needed. Go figure.

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Dear Justplainwill:

I’m frustrated!

I have spent the last fourteen years serving humankind – as well as humankind’s Indianapolis branch – by being, many people say, the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen. Sadly, after giving the Colts the best years of my life, I have suddenly been cast adrift.

The only thing I was told when given the pink slip by management is that over the past year or so, I have become ‘a royal pain in the neck’ (their term, not mine) and that my services were no longer needed. Go figure.

Being the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen, I do have some options, however. There are several football teams that seem to have a deep and abiding interest in me wearing their logo on the side of my helmet. These teams include the Redskins, Dolphins, Broncos, Seahawks, Cardinals, Jets, Titans and Forty-Niners. My current dilemma is figuring out for which of these teams I should now work.

 As a certified spiritual adviser and known meddler in affairs that you know absolutely nothing about, I figure that you’re about as well qualified as anyone else to tell me what I should do. Please help me, Justplainwill. Please help. What should I do?

Peyton M.

Formerly of Indianapolis

Dear Peyton:

 Life’s a bitch.

As a man, who has similarly given the best two years of his life to eight different wives on ten different occasions, I know what its like to be told by ‘the management’ to pack up all your sh*t and be off the premises by five o’clock. Believe you me, I know what this feels like … and you definitely have my sympathies. (You can also take solace in the fact that the Colts are the very same idiots who once traded Johnny Unitas, the very first greatest quarterback that the world has ever seen – to the San Diego Chargers. Apparently some people NEVER learn.)

All that said, my sage advice is to forget the Colts. You will no doubt remember the 1960’s movie (title)  that posed the question: They Shoot Horses Don’t They? Well now you know.

They shoot horses, don't they?

Anyway like I said, forget the Colts! Forget football! Who needs it!? From the looks of things, you’re a smart guy and what really smart guy really needs to spend his autumn Sunday afternoons having his ass chased up and down the grid-iron by the likes of Ray Lewis or Troy Polamalu with intent to maim or otherwise do great bodily harm? Frankly, you wouldn’t catch me purposely being chased by any of ’em unless I was armed with a Louisville Slugger… or maybe a Glock.

 Instead of ever putting on a pair of football cleats again, I’d pursue more non-violent vocational opportunities. Here are three:

 NFL Commissioner: I’ve always said that the job should be held by either you, God or Oprah. The salary for this job is $20 million per year, even more than what you made as a Colt, what God currently makes but certainly less than what Oprah brings home. What sweet revenge it would be on those fools in the Colts front office for you to ascend to this lofty position. That’ll show those equines up in Indiana.

Broadway/Show Business: I’ve seen your commercials in which you pitch pizzas as well as those in which you are shilling for consumer electronics made with cheap foreign labor. Methinks you have a gift. With your great comedic timing, you could be a late night talk show host or even your own situation comedy (perhaps titled “Where’s Peyton?”). Maybe you could even take that Ashton Kucher’s place on Two and a Half Men. I’ve seen his work too and he’s no Charlie Sheen. You could save that show, Peyton.

Other: Peyton, if you are just bound and determined to stay on this ‘helping humankind’ kick, you should forget joining the Redskins or Dolphins or Broncos or Jets or any of ’em. Setting out to serve mankind has never gotten anyone anywhere.  Such ambition only leads to ruin. You’ll only end up hurt, heartbroken again –or dead.  (You’ll remember what happened to Gandhi well as Martin Luther King when they tried to help mankind – and remember Ray and Troy are still waiting to kick your ass as soon as you step on the football field again.) Rather, the team you should join is the Republicans… as a Presidential candidate.

 And while I, being a lifelong Democrat, would hate losing you to the other side, it seems to me that you’ve got more sense than all those other Republicans candidates combined. You’ll get a lot of votes and you’ll take the pressure off the other Republicans who’d be forced to dropout of the race. Just think Peyton, Mitt could then quit pretending to be conservative;  Newt could quit pretending to be contrite, cheerful and Catholic; Santorum could quit pretending to live in the twenty-first century and Ron Paul could just …well, quit pretending altogether. As for the rest of us: we’d have traded one pain in the neck for four pains in the ass.

That”d be a service to mankind if I ever saw one.

Your pal,

Justplainwill

Got questions about life, love, money or even”What the hell does the name ‘Mitt’ mean?” (Ans: Latin or Gaelic for ‘not really a conservative’).Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

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Dear Justplainwill: Bettering Billy Beane and the Speed of Light! https://likethedew.com/2011/09/26/dear-justplainwill-bettering-billy-beane-and-the-speed-of-light/ https://likethedew.com/2011/09/26/dear-justplainwill-bettering-billy-beane-and-the-speed-of-light/#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2011 03:02:52 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=30816 Justplainwill will now take your questions.

Dear Justplainwill:

Every time I turn on the TV I see Brad Pitt promoting his new movie, Moneyball.  The guy must think that he’s God or maybe even that Sarah Palin because lately he is everywhere: the Late Night with David Letterman… Jay Leno… the Today Show…the Tonight Show…the Day After Tomorrow Show and that ridiculous “Who-dat and Kathy Lee”. You name the TV time slot and that Brad’s been on it promoting that damn movie.

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Justplainwill will now take your questions.

Dear Justplainwill:

Every time I turn on the TV I see Brad Pitt promoting his new movie, Moneyball.  The guy must think that he’s God or maybe even that Sarah Palin because lately he is everywhere: the Late Night with David Letterman… Jay Leno… the Today Show…the Tonight Show…the Day After Tomorrow Show and that ridiculous “Who-dat and Kathy Lee”. You name the TV time slot and that Brad’s been on it promoting that damn movie.

I like Brad and all but I’ve got other things to do and I am just wondering if it’s worth my time to go and see Moneyball? Have you seen it Justplainwill? What do you think?

Angelina J.

Hollywood, Ca.

Dear Angie:

When you see an actor and a studio guy promoting a movie this much, something is up. It usually means that the movie turns out to be ‘a hot mess.’

As you may know, Moneyball  is the story of how Billy Beane, the General Manager of the Oakland Athletics, used new theories of baseball statistics to almost win the 2002 American League pennant by employing a bunch of no-name, under paid and misbegotten players.

It is not a terrible film, Angie. Believe me, I’ve seen worse. Much worse. Rocky III, IV, and V immediately come to mind.  So does any movie with Keanu Reeves anywhere  in the cast.  I love baseball as much as the next guy and probably more than most but when you get down to it, this movie is not really about baseball. Rather it’s about business, statistics and math. Math, Angie. Math! In the whole two hours or so that this movie is on the screen, there are no fast cars, no naked women, no gratuitous sex and no senseless violence unless you count Brad Pitt showing off by braking obviously fake baseball bats over his knee and spitting chaws of tobacco into a Styrofoam cup.  On top of all of these disappointments, Moneyball is G –rated. What the hell kind of Hollywood effort is all that these days?

I will give Ol’ Brad credit for trying his hand at job creation in a tough U.S. economy though. That’s the only possible explanation as to why he made this movie in the first place.  With the exceptions of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Brad himself, there is absolutely no one else in this movie that you, I, or anybody else has ever heard of except for possibly the parents of the actors. (I figure that Hoffman consented to be in the movie because he  owed Brad money. He must have.)

A more interesting Billy than Brad?

Math does not translate well to the silver screen, Angie.  If it did, a couple of my old college professors would be Hollywood icons instead of still doddering around the classroom and  annoying students in Calculus 102.

The movie is also about the ‘science’ of scouting baseball players. To be honest, as much as I like baseball as a sport, a bunch of old men baseball scouts sitting around a table, drooling over the body measurements of virile young men and day-dreaming about how good those bodies might look and perform in tight-fitting baseball uniforms is more than a little creepy in my book.

Nevertheless Angie, I tried to like Moneyball.  I really did — even though Brad hasn’t made a good movie since the Coolidge Administration.  The movie just wasn’t that interesting though. I tried.

It could have been MUCH more interesting if Billy Beane could’ve been played by say, Robert Duvall or maybe even Morgan Freeman, two guys who can really act. Yeah, I know that Billy Beane was a young white man in real life, Duvall is in his dotage and Morgan is an old black guy. But I figure that any guy who can play the President, God and also put up with ‘Miss Daisy’ can play anybody.  If Robert Duvall had played Beane the Oakland A’s would have won the World Series in the movie even though they did not in real life.  That’s just how good of an actor Robert Duvall is.

Angie, I’d pass on Moneyball if I were you. That now old movie Major League is essentially the same story. It’s also a lot more entertaining — and funny. Besides seeing Moneyball,   I can think of about a hundred other better things to do,  like maybe adopt more kids.

Your pal,

Justplainwill

 

What if Einstein were wrong?

Dear Mr. Justplainwill:

As a scientist, I am very worried. A few days ago, a bunch of those hooligan scientists over in Europe announced that while working in the lab, they had just clocked some neutrinos –sub-atomic particles — at speeds exceeding the speed of light!!!!

As every one knows,  nothing can go faster than the speed of light. Nothing, Justplainwill.  NOTHING! Einstein said so and he knew everything. If what the Europeans say is true, it will change the whole theory of physics and everything that we scientists have ever believed in.  What are we going to do, Justplainwill? What are we going to do? Please help us.

Mr. Wizard

Dear Mr. Wizard:

First, I’ve always been under the impression that “Neutrinos” were a breakfast cereal or possibly something that came in a can, like say Spaghettio’s. But since you say that neutrinos are sub-atomic particles, we’ll go with that. After all, you’re Mr. Wizard.

Anyway, Wiz calm down. You have no problems.

For one thing, those scientists who were bragging about having clocked neutrinos that moved faster than the speed of light were more than likely dead wrong. Probably they were drunk and/or distracted when they were doing their speed of light experiments. I have it on good authority that those leggy European supermodels like to hang around physicists. The guys were likely partying with the supermodels during the proceedings and all of them were drunk. Of course, you know how guys can get when they get all liquored up and start bragging about their accomplishments, especially when there are pretty women hanging around. (The last time I was around a supermodel, I tried to impress her by telling her  that I, Justplainwill,  was much smarter than that high priced  advice columnist, ‘Dear Abby’.)

Wiz, it could also be that the European scientists weren’t European at all and were say, ex-cops from the famous speed trap town of say Heflin, Alabama. This is one of the more famous speed traps around these parts and home training goes a long ways –even to CERN and Europe; you know what I’m sayin’, Wiz ? In any event, if these scientists were formerly ex-Southern small town cops with bad radar guns… well, you get my drift. (And God help those poor neutrinos if they happened to be ‘black’ neutrinos doing more than the speed of light .)

Of course, if re-doing the experiment proves beyond any doubt that neutrinos are faster than the speed of light, you still have no worries. As an American scientist, you can bet that the Congressional Republicans will once again, ignore science, truth and all reason and remind  everyone else that the U S. Constitution mandates the speed of light to be 299, 792, 458 meters per second, just what Jesus and the Founding Fathers said it was in the first place —and intended for it to remain.

All in all, Mr. Wizard, I think that you have nothing to worry about. Having to change everything in physics could be really bad news.  Worse news would be that Keanu Reeves would make a movie, say Speedball,  about the lab work leading to the new discovery.

Your pal,

Justplainwill

Have questions about life? Love? Relationships?  Homework? Or even “Will the Braves or Red Sox ever win another baseball game? “Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com

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Dear Justplainwill: Death,Taxes and Pledge Week! https://likethedew.com/2011/07/26/dear-justplainwill-deathtaxes-and-pledge-week/ https://likethedew.com/2011/07/26/dear-justplainwill-deathtaxes-and-pledge-week/#comments Tue, 26 Jul 2011 15:15:09 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=28059 Justplainwill will now take your questions.

Dear Justplainwill:

This morning, while breakfasting at the Waffle Hut, I couldn’t help but overhear the couple in the next booth. They were having a tête-à-tête about whether or not Michael Jackson was still alive. The conversation soon turned ugly. Loud bickering and fisticuffs ensued.

Though fighting is not an unusual occurrence at a Waffle Hut, my waitress, Wanda bravely stepped between the warring couple. Exasperated with them both, she threw up her hands and said “Stop it! This is a respectable place... and if you just have to know, Michael Jackson is alive. He and that chimp, Bubbles come in here all the time.

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Justplainwill will now take your questions.

Dear Justplainwill:

This morning, while breakfasting at the Waffle Hut, I couldn’t help but overhear the couple in the next booth. They were having a tête-à-tête about whether or not Michael Jackson was still alive. The conversation soon turned ugly. Loud bickering and fisticuffs ensued.

Though fighting is not an unusual occurrence at a Waffle Hut, my waitress, Wanda bravely stepped between the warring couple. Exasperated with them both, she threw up her hands and said “Stop it! This is a respectable place… and if you just have to know, Michael Jackson is alive. He and that chimp, Bubbles come in here all the time. Bubbles likes his hash browns ‘scattered, smothered and covered’. Michael is a miserable tipper though. Elvis leaves behind a lot better gratuity…leaves us money like there’s no tomorrow when he comes in. It’s how I sent my oldest to Harvard.”

Justplainwill, I was aghast! It’s hard to imagine that Michael is still alive and I’d have a hard time believing any of it except that Michael really was a lousy tipper. Being a skinflint when it came to leaving the tip was as much a part of his ‘act’ as grabbing his crotch or doing the moonwalk.(I once found the other glove that would given him the matched pair. Do you know that cheapskate didn’t give me not even a dollar for all of my effort.)

On the other hand, if what the waitress said is true, this could be big news, Justplainwill — real big news, especially for a guy in my position, if you get my drift. Wanda, seemed sober as a judge (most of ‘em anyway) but I still have my doubts. Was Wanda telling the truth about Michael’s whereabouts or was she just less drunk than the couple fighting in the next booth?

Conrad M.

Los Angeles, CA.

Dear Conrad:

Truth be told, it happens all of the time.

As you might appreciate, most celebrities — in fact, most people — are worth a lot more dead than they ever were alive. As such, statistically, there is a 58.7% chance that any celebrity death has, in fact, been “…one big goof,” staged to dodge the IRS, an ex-wife, the police and/or the never-ending requests from those pests at the PBS to perform –free — during Pledge Week!

As a matter of full disclosure, while I am by no means a celebrity, I faked my own death twenty years ago in order to throw my first, second, fifth and sixth wives off the trail.

Lastly Conrad, you may be interested to know that I have it on good authority that Michael Jackson, along with Tupac, James Brown, Princess Di, Elvis, Amy Winehouse, Regis, Shaquille O’Neal and Betty White will be the cast members of Donald Trump’s new fall TV spinoff show, Dead (or Nearly Dead) Celebrity Apprentice. Check your local TV listings for exact show times.

I hope this helps.

Your pal,

Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

To our utter and complete dismay, we have learned that no one in the viewing audience – i.e. television land — takes us seriously anymore. Expensive market research plus the derisive and hurtful comments made by the mere drizzle of Americans, who actually bothered to call in during Pledge Week, lead us to believe we, the People of PBS, are seen as a bunch of liberal oafs, no more than a bunch of shills for the Obama Administration. Furthermore, most Americans think that the Chief Executive Officer of PBS’ is that little muppet so and so on Sesame Street, Elmo.

Forlorn and heartbroken by these research findings, we composed ourselves and resolved to soldier on. We also embarked upon an ambitious project of revival to alter our image and thus curry favor with the masses of American TV viewers. No longer would we be viewed as the liberal mouthpiece for Barack Obama or worse, even for Bill Moyers, the most liberal white guy in the whole country.

We began by summarily throwing Moyers out on his ass. We also fired that pretender, Juan Williams. In keeping with our new image, we also dispatched a couple of high level PBS executives (i.e. those other than Big Bird and Elmo) after they made some awful comments things about a few conservative politicians even though the comments made were spot on accurate.

In our attempts to improve our programming, we also hired that know it all, Suze Orman. We even gave the woman — bad haircut and all — her own TV show on which she tells anybody who’ll listen how to spend their money and live their lives.

Lastly, Justplainwill, in order to impress our core group of viewers, a bunch of old coots known as Baby Boomers, we put on the Doo Wop Concert Series. You have no doubt seen our Doo Wop Reunion shows in which it appears that we have exhumed from the grave, the embalmed bodies of various 1950’s era rock n roll one hit wonders, propped their bodily remains up on stage and made them (forcibly and against their will) to reprise, “for one last time,” their one and only AM radio hit tune of long ago.

Unfortunately, none of this stuff has worked. Our ratings have plummeted, Congress is threatening to de-fund us and that little bastard, Elmo, is running around the office saying “I told you idiots that this stuff wouldn’t work.” (Jerk!).

Anyway, Justplainwill, can you advise us what to do to clean up this mess? We’re desperate… and hoping.

The People of PBS

Dear People:

First, I must tell you I regularly watch PBS and I enjoy some of your programming. Frontline and your various historical series by Ken “Nothing happened in this country unless I say it did on PBS” Burns are my favorites. I also enjoy watching Nature as thousands upon thousands of wildebeest cross the Serengeti Plains. I marvel at this sight and even fantasize about the prospect of embedding one of my ex-wives, my ex-boss, or one of my crazy relatives in with that herd of animals as they cross Africa’s crocodile infested rivers and trundle on to greener pastures. But I digress…

On the matter of your question, one of the problems over at PBS is that you guys just insist upon getting rid of all the wrong people. As a prime example, one of the folks that you inexplicably insist upon letting loiter around the place is that woman, who seemingly can’t even get the hang of how to spell “Susie” or “Suzie” or “Suzan” or “Suez” or whatever. As I understand it, she is supposed to advise people on whether or not they can afford to buy various consumer goods, take off few vacation days from work (assuming they still have a job to go to in the first place), or to utilize their very 401-K to pay for life saving surgery. (“You’d be better off dead”, I heard her tell one caller from Hahira, Georgia, who needed a heart transplant.) As it turns out, ‘ol Suze has never met one single individual that she felt could afford to buy or do anything that involved spending money. You get the impression, from looking at her show that neither Bill Gates nor Warren Buffett or even Oprah can afford to purchase a stick of gum! I’m pretty sure that it is Suze’s philosophy on consumer spending that triggered the recession in the first place and prolongs it still to this day!

In addition, here are a couple other things you should strongly consider:

  1. Get rid of all the motivational speakers. Deep inside, anyone with a lick of sense knows that a motivational speaker is just some formerly unemployed guy, who is now running one of the great get overs of our time and all he’s really saying is “Hey you, get off your ass and do something.” Anyone can do this and you don’t have to pay a ton of money for the programming. (Hell, I’ll do it for half the money that you’re paying any of them.)
  2. Stop torturing us with those lame Doo Wop concerts. None of the original group members look or sound anything like they did when their original hit song was first played fifty or sixty years ago. The groups are usually named after some 1950’s era car (The Edsels) or some household product (Ajax and the Comets) and the two still living members are clinging to life like grim death. Some of them barely remember the words to the songs or that they were ever in the group at all.
    Eliminating the Doo Wop concerts will not be a painful as you might think. For one thing, most of us Baby Boomers are living in abject fear, terrorized by the mere notion that you might bring back artists such as Question Mark and the Mysterians

    or Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHF558u6Q_8&feature=related.

    Worse, you could actually bring back the Bristol Stomp.*

    Since most of us often watch PBS during the family hour, none of us boomers want to be embarrassed by allowing younger family members to get a gander at the stuff that Dick Clark forced us to watch, listen and dance to during the early days of rock n roll. Except for Louie, Louie many of us Baby Boomers don’t really remember the words of ANY of the songs of the Sixties since many of us were in a drug induced stupor for much of the entire era.

  3. Eliminate Pledge Week. Everybody hates it and all of us will be truly grateful. In order to raise funds, I would suggest that you put Suze Orman in a 9 x 12 boxing ring type cage with one of those Bengal Tigers that might still running around the studio, left over from your program India: Land of the Tiger. Let the two of them decide–inside the cage– whether or not the Tiger can afford to buy food. Let them ‘discuss’ the matter, live and on camera at $10.00 a pop Pay-Per-View. In order to even out the odds, make sure Suze is unarmed. It will truly test Suze’s commitment to quality programming and I suspect that you’ll raise scads of money. You’ll also be able to tell the folks in Congress where they stick their PBS DE-Funding Bill.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,
Justplainwill

*The Bristol Stomp –a dance—may have been the single worst outcome of the Rock n Roll era. Nobody but neck-tied, sport-jacketed, Catholic high school attending white kids would ever be caught dead doing the Bristol Stomp when it came out in 1961. The dance is the source of the notion that white kids had no natural dance rhythm.

Have questions about life, love, relationships, homework or even “Why can’t J-Lo keep a man “? Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

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CPAs, Camo and Liquor on Sundays https://likethedew.com/2011/05/01/dear-justplainwill-cpas-camo-and-liquor-on-sundays/ https://likethedew.com/2011/05/01/dear-justplainwill-cpas-camo-and-liquor-on-sundays/#comments Sun, 01 May 2011 08:45:32 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=23167 Justplainwill will now take your questions. Have questions about life? Love? Relationships?  Homework? Or even “Is Donald Trump nuts?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

My allergies are worst than ever. They are just killing me. Do you think that it's because the pollen count is higher than normal this year? And who counts all those pollens anyway, Justplainwill?

Allergia
Atlanta, GA

Dear Allergia:

Forget the Pollen Count!

The plain truth is that there is just no such thing as a pollen counter or as the government would call him or her, a ‘CPA’ – Certified Pollen Accountant. In reality, the pollen counter is about as real as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny.

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Justplainwill will now take your questions. Have questions about life? Love? Relationships? Homework? Or even ” Is Donald Trump nuts?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

My allergies are worst than ever. They are just killing me. Do you think that it’s because the pollen count is higher than normal this year? And who counts all those pollens anyway, Justplainwill?

Allergia
Atlanta, GA

Woman Sneezing - Licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.comDear Allergia:

Forget the Pollen Count!

The plain truth is that there is just no such thing as a pollen counter or as the government would call him or her, a ‘CPA’ – Certified Pollen Accountant. In reality, the pollen counter is about as real as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny.

Ever played the lottery, Allergia, say Fantasy Five? Have you ever noticed that the pollen count is the EXACT same number as the Fantasy Five Number from the previous night? Yep, the pollen counter is the same guy, who announces the Fantasy Five numbers.

Check it out for yourself. Justplainwill would not lie about a thing like this.

Allergia, even the government knows that the whole notion of ‘the pollen count’ is one of the great ‘get-overs’ of our times and makes about as much sense as tallying raindrops during a thunderstorm. Instead of announcing the number of pollen spores in the air, somebody on The Weather Channel ought to either say “It’s safe to go outside today” or “Ah-ah-ah –aaaaahh-chew!”

I hope that this helps. By the way, Gezundheit!

Your pal,

Justplainwill

Dear Mr. Justplainwill:

Lately, I notice an awful lot of people, particularly civilians, wearing camouflage clothing. Are we getting ready to go to war and I haven’t been told? I used to be a Washington insider, but it sure looks like I am out of the loop on this one. What’s the story on all the camouflage clothes, Justplainwill?

Colin P.
Washington, D.C.

Woman in Camo - licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.com
Noveau chic

Dear Colin:

I too, pay particular attention to what people have the nerve to wear in public. Sometimes — and lately — it’s not always a pretty sight. I am pretty sure that it’s because of the recession. For example, yesterday, I saw a woman wearing a two piece affair that I am pretty sure was her living room draperies just last week. The fabric not only looked like drapery material, but she was also wearing a curtain rod. The thing that really tipped me off though was that she was using the drawstring to open and shut the drapes so that she was also flashing me. (Nice body, though.)

Colin, to more directly answer your question, camouflage is the new chic.

Just last week, I visited the newest example of both retail overkill and how mall merchandisers will invariably run a good thing into the ground: Camo Depot Stores.

Once inside, a big banner boasts AMERICA’S PREMIER CAMOUFLAGE EXPEREINCE. Pants and shirts, socks and shoes, hats and boots, overcoats and underwear, key chains and sunglasses, the place is awash in camouflage. Dark-camo, light-camo, brown-camo, green-camo, orange-camo, even pink and purple camo is on the shelves as far as the eye can see.

As I browse, a clerk, dressed from head to toe in military green camouflage fatigues, comes to my assistance: He’s a dead ringer for a young, albeit shorter, Fidel Castro.

“I am here to look at a pair of pants. What’s this?” I ask Fidel, pointing to an outlandish camo combination of orange and gray. It doesn’t look like any of the others.

“That’s blurred-camo, sir.”

“Blurred-camo!?”

“Sure, sir. Blurred. Makes it even harder for the enemy to see.”

“The enemy? …Wha? … Where’s the price tag? … I guess you’ve camouflaged that too?”

“These are ninety-nine dollars, sir.”

“Ninety-nine dollars!? Son, your enemy is the guy who priced these pants.”

“Sir, I’ll have you know that these are designer camos. They are our biggest seller. But if you are too poor or too cheap to buy designer camos, you might want to look at these.”

Fidel brings his hands up to eye level. He’s holding a belt.

“I need to buy some cargo shorts. That’s not a pair of shorts. It’s a belt.”

“Sir, look closely,” he says. I can tell that Fidel is exasperated and I am begining to wonder if under all of that camouflage, whether or not he’s also armed? “You’ll notice that there a full set of pants under this belt. Here let me hold them up towards the ceiling light for you. This is our ‘camo-camo’ pattern, sir.”

“I can hardly see ‘em.”

“Neither can the enemy. That’s the whole point.”

“Camo-camo? How do you even …

“…. you need special infra-red night vision goggles to …

“Special goggles!? … to do what?”

“…to find these pants in the closet … and to see how to put them on. You’ll also need to wear the goggles in the men’s room to unzip. The pants sell for only three dollars.

“That sounds like a deal … but ell me, how much are the special goggles?”

“Ninety-five dollars!”

So, as I learned Colin, camouflage is not just the province of the military, deer hinters and the homeless anymore. It is noveau chic. Of course, the prices on the new chic camo might make you homeless.

Your pal,
Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

I live in one of the few states in the union that doesn’t allow liquor sales on Sunday.

Sometimes, after the pastor’s sermon, I feel like I just need a good stiff martini. Sometimes, it would even be better if I could have a drink before the pastor’s sermon. What can I do about buying liquor on Sunday, Justplainwill?

Slim
Dunwoody, GA

Sunday $ales-BeerMug licensed from Dreamstime.com by LikeTheDew.comDear Slim:

It looks like Georgia State legislature has finally come into the 21st Century — at least on this one issue and is going to actually allow citizens to vote on the matter in a few months. Can you believe it, Slim?

I am planning on voting for liquor sales on Sunday, myself. ‘Of course, I admit we will run the risk of the state legislators now being as drunk on Sundays that they apparently are on the other days of the week. So in that sense, it’s a little problematical. All in all though, it’s progress

Now if we could just get those people at Chick-Fil-A to sell chicken on Sundays, we’d really have something.

Your pal,
Justplainwill

Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even “is that Donald Trump out of his ever lovin mind? I mean if he wins, who would he make Secretary of Defense? …Meatloaf?” Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

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Breaking News: Murder, Potholes and Glee! https://likethedew.com/2011/03/25/breaking-news-murder-potholes-and-glee/ https://likethedew.com/2011/03/25/breaking-news-murder-potholes-and-glee/#comments Fri, 25 Mar 2011 20:15:18 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=21306 Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or "Would somebody pullease have a talk with John Boehner about all the crying?" Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I'm the morning news goddess on a TV station in a large southern city. Lately our ratings have been dismal. We've tried everything to attract viewers: bands, clowns, fireworks… you name it. Last week, we even staged an on-air fistfight between the weather guy and the traffic guy. ("Mr. Traffic" won in a knock out.) We've even tried entrapment: a few months ago, the management had me pose as a streetwalker...

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News DivaJustplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or “Would somebody pullease have a talk with John Boehner about all the crying?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I’m the morning news goddess on a TV station in a large southern city. Lately our ratings have been dismal. We’ve tried everything to attract viewers: bands, clowns, fireworks… you name it. Last week, we even staged an on-air fistfight between the weather guy and the traffic guy. (“Mr. Traffic” won in a knock out.) We’ve even tried entrapment: a few months ago, the management had me pose as a streetwalker in order to troll for male viewers on the street. Except for all that walking, it was pretty easy, since the station requires me to dress like a hooker anyway and especially when I’m on the air.

Management even considered having me do the news in the nude, except that I had to tell them that I still had to have one last, but extremely important surgery needed to complete my sex reassignment. Needless to say, the station manager was simultaneously unhappy… and SURPRISED!

Anyway, if our ratings don’t improve soon, there are rumors that I’ll find myself doing the Farm News from Hahira. I got a World Map and looked and looked all over the Middle East. I figured that’s where a place named “Hahira” would be. Come to find, Justplainwill, that Hahira is in the Middle East of Georgia. And I while I wouldn’t have to wear that burka that women in the real Middle East wear, it’d still be a long drive everyday.

Can you please tell me what to do in order to improve our ratings?

News Diva

Dear News Diva:

Something really does need to be done about the news, especially since its mostly bad news. Outlined below are some strategies that you might consider. They are taken from Justplainwill’s new book: Television News for Dummies.

Everything is not breaking news.
First, cut The News Hour to the News Half Hour, maybe even cut it to the News Twenty Minutes. Diva, the main thing wrong with the news is there’s too damn much of it. The news is overexposed. There’s just not enough real news anywhere to take up a whole hour, not even at my second cousin, LaShonda’s house on a Fourth of July weekend. The Justplainwill Theory of the News is that the news expands to fill the time and space allotted – like rice, grits, or Charlie Sheen. Many of the people who end up on the news – criminals, politicians, foreign despots, televangelists and Nene Leakes — are “hams,” who crave attention. Most of these folks would generally behave themselves if they knew that they had little chance of being seen on TV.

Also, please stop pressing the button on the Breaking News sign. News does not break every single minute and even the biggest of stories is not Breaking News by the third day.

Gag Response
Television newsrooms seem hell bent on eliciting a gag response from the viewing audience. Everyday. Showing the most gruesome of things such as some guy who has managed to staple his nostrils together or some idiot who has shot himself in the medulla oblongata with a pencil are recent examples. You news people types also have the decidedly disgusting habit of reporting these miserable events with such smiles and glee:

“Mr. Larry L. Larry, the deceased fell eighty-five stories to his death. Yippeeeeee. Back to you, Chuck.”

You report these deadly events as if you, yourself, had just won the Powerball lottery. If that wasn’t enough, you insist on showing ridiculous car chases and perp walks over and over and over again in endless loops. Stop it. Save it for the Star or the Enquirer. Gagging at breakfast or dinner is not what I my idea of a great …well, gag.

Eyewitnesses
Have you seen the eyewitnesses on TV lately, Diva? They are typically disheveled, out of breath, discombobulated, and badly in need of a comb. Occasionally they are covered in blood. I’d bet ‘even money, that a few of them probably need a sudden change of underwear too.

All of this would all be OK if eyewitnesses would give an accurate account of “what just happened.” They don’t. They are typically a stammering, stuttering, eyes bugged out, arm waving mess. From their description, they’ve actually seen about as much as Ray Charles. The other annoying thing about all eyewitnesses is that they insist — just insist — on providing their own sound effects: “It went like YA KABOWEEEEEEEE WOOOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOSH” they say.

Or they will say:

“…Yeah, Hal Goodlookinhair from Channel 7, the rob… rob… robber… fi… fi… fired fo… .fo… four shots:… BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” (You will note also that eyewitnesses usually can’t count very well.)

Get better eyewitnesses.

Enough with the potholes already.
My Gawd, Diva, lately you people have developed a real fetish for potholes. It’s unholy. You’ve actually hired a crew of people, who devote all of their time to potholes. Potholes, Diva. Potholes! Not fixing them, mind you — just finding them! Believe me, when you’ve seen one pothole, you’ve largely seen them all. Unless you find a pothole that has just robbed a bank or has swallowed a Starbucks location, it’s not newsworthy.

(Just between you and me, I would find the “Search for Potholes” more than acceptable, if the lost and found were being filled, fixed and attended too by one of those Has Been’s and Wannabee’s on Donald Trump’s Celebrity Witch Show.)

I hope that all of this helps, Diva. By the way, just in case, Hahira is about 150 miles South on I-75… and good luck with the last surgery.

Your pal,
Justplainwill



________
Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

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Dear Justplainwill: Brother, can you spare a Trillion? https://likethedew.com/2011/03/16/dear-justplainwill-brother-can-you-spare-a-trillion/ https://likethedew.com/2011/03/16/dear-justplainwill-brother-can-you-spare-a-trillion/#comments Wed, 16 Mar 2011 04:12:41 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=20688 Dear Justplainwill:

Everybody is on my butt about the budget. The Sunday morning pundits, Republicans and even Democrats are carping. Naturally, those idiots at Fox News are giving me hell. They all say that $14 trillion is too much debt.

They also say that all I need to do to make the situation right is to do the same things that any American family, sitting around the kitchen table would do to balance their budget. Easy for them to say, they don’t have to maintain a fleet of Stealth Bombers, an Army or have to cut the grass at Yellowstone National Park.  They also don’t have that Nosey Bill Clinton or that Crazy-ass Joe Biden inviting themselves over all the time and trying to tell them what to do … even when no one asked either of them a darn thing ...

Barry O.
Washington, D.C.

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Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Do the oil companies really believe that the rest of us really buy that malarkey they put out about why the price of gas is going up? Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

Dear Justplainwill:

Everybody is on my butt about the budget. The Sunday morning pundits, Republicans and even Democrats are carping. Naturally, those idiots at Fox News are giving me hell. They all say that $14 trillion is too much debt.

They also say that all I need to do to make the situation right is to do the same things that any American family, sitting around the kitchen table would do to balance their budget. Easy for them to say, they don’t have to maintain a fleet of Stealth Bombers, an Army or have to cut the grass at Yellowstone National Park. They also don’t have that Nosey Bill Clinton or that Crazy-ass Joe Biden inviting themselves over all the time and trying to tell them what to do … even when no one asked either of them a darn thing.

In my efforts to please everybody — ‘bi-partisanship’ they call it — me and the wife put the girls to bed early last night and then sat down to balance the damn budget. Let me tell you, this kitchen table budgeting approach is a lot harder than they said. Ever try to balance trillions of dollars, Justplainwill?

"Not tonight fella, not tonight. Tomorrow night neither, dammit!"

Anyway, by the end of the night, the budget is nowhere near being balanced, I’m pissed off, the wife is mad as hell and needless to say, by the time we turned in, I didn’t get lucky — or anything else.

Justplainwill please give me some tips on how to balance this budget like a typical American family.

Barry O.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Barry:

Don’t fall for that ‘kitchen table’ budget stuff. It’s a total setup. Total. The last guy to fall for this scam was Jimmy Carter. So I’d be careful if I were you.

But since you asked the question and since you are hell bent for leather on trying to please everyone, I’ll tell you how the average American family would handle this situation:

FOREIGN AID. You can do away with most of it. Tell the foreigners that you gave in church when they passed around the collection plate for the foreign missions. Besides, I have it on ‘good authority’ that most foreigners speak a foreign language. For all we know, foreigners are not asking for money, just directions to Disneyworld.

DEFENSE: You know that new sports

"Maybe when the girls are out of college..."

aircraft carrier, the shiny, black U.S.S. Jeremiah Wright model that you and the boys at the Pentagon have been secretly salivating over? Forget it… maybe we can afford it when the girls are out of college.

An alternative to fighting enemies with the latest high tech weaponry is to play a little Aretha Franklin or a maybe Barry White or Smokey Robinson over the back fence. Invite a few enemy leaders over to the house. You know, mellow out for a while. I’d wager that even Muammar Gaddafi likes to get down from time to time. I’m also betting that Hugo Chavez gets in a better mood after a few hits of Chivas Regal. You’ll get to really know him. You know …test his mettle. I figure that ‘a little Aretha’ will get him to come around to our way of thinking. Anybody who can listen to The Queen of Soul and Smokey but still want to fight ain’t really trying.

HEALTH ‘SCARE’: You will need to manage health care differently. Specifically, you’ll practice the Health Scare System. The average American adult male has done this for years: paying to go see a doctor only at the point of a gun brandished by the wife or when you’ve seen blood in the toilet and it scares you s%$&-less. Otherwise, tell sick Americans to “Buck up, fella. Dyin’ ain’t nothing but a thang!”

Also, consider the Voo Doo Option when it comes to health and healing. Voo-Doo is definitley a lot cheaper than an MRI, but approach it carefully. Those birther people might get the idea that you really are kin to some Kenyan witch doctor: prima facie evidence that you were not really born in this country.

POST OFFICE: Quit going to the mailbox, Barry. Don’t ever do it again. Everyone knows that no good news has ever come in the mail, only things that are marked “PAST DUE”, “SECOND NOTICE” or “OCCUPANT”.

Most good news comes in the form of a phone call in which the caller says something like “Mona, I just called the bank. The check for the rent cleared…just barely, but the damn thing cleared. Whew, that was close! We only have $0.87 left in the account but we can rest easy for another month.”

Or good news comes in the form:”The doctor’s office just called. I’m not pregnant. Whew! That was a close call! But listen Clarence, you’re gonna have to get that vasectomy. I can’t be worried like this anymore.”

The average American has a lot of these moments, Barry – and that’s when things are going well!  Note that you will necessarily need to change your current public campaign from “Winning the Future” to “Whew-ing the Future”. Lastly, as I think about it Barry, perhaps a better idea is to just eliminate the damn Post Office altogether. Turn ’em  into Starbucks locations.

RETURN MERCHANDISE: Leave the price tags on all of those knock-off Army and Navy uniforms that we recently bought at that clothing store in the outlet mall on the outskirts of Peking. After our guys have worn them once, return them to the store telling them that you’ve changed your mind and want our money back.

ENTERTAINMENT: In the typical American family this is often termed “cable –TV.” We can’t afford it. Steal …er, rather “re-route” U.S. cable TV from Canada or Telemundo from Mexico. Besides, have you seen what’s on American TV lately? The Charlie Sheen meltdown; Nene Leakes and Meatloaf on Celebrity Janitor or whatever that new Donald Trump Show is called. Canadian and/or Mexican TV can’t be any worse.

LEARN TO CUSS: Bill collectors will definitley be calling you. Learn to cuss — as in “Don’t call my #%&*$%^# house any more you sorry *&^%$#@#&. If I had the *&^%$#@*&^ money, I’d pay you. You’re just going to have to wait for your money like everybody else.” (I hear that Malia speaks a little Mandarin. You might ask her for some pointers on cuss words for dealing with those Chinese creditors.)

Barry, here is some additional unsolicited advice — a bonus as it were:

  1. Relax about the efing budget. None of your critics, particularly the Republicans, knows jack when it comes to making ends meet. Not one of these people has likely ever seen a kitchen table, muchless sat around one. As for the Democrats: they can hardly balance their own checkbook.
  2. $14 trillion my ass! Are you kiddin’ me? No one actually really knows what “a trillion” REALLY is. In all of human history no one has ever seen a trillion anything, much less counted to a trillion. Not one person. Not Bill Gates. Not Ben Bernake. Hell, not even Oprah. Psst! Just between you and me, I think that this whole idea of a trillion is an urban legend … a myth … like Sasquatch, Planet X or the fact that Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson were really the same person.
  3. Even if the notion of a trillion is for real, the bill is not coming due anytime soon. Look at all the damn zeros in a trillion, Barry. There are not enough places to the left of the decimal point in anyone’s computer to calculate that high. None of the computers. Not Chinese computers. Not even Bill Gates’ very own secret IPad. Hell, Barry, its going to take all of the programmers five years to even re-program the computers to count that high. You remember that Y2K thing a few years back? Right. Same thing. Five years, Barry. Five years. By then you’ll be firmly ensconced in your second term.
  4. Lastly, I’d consider completely changing the subject if I were you. Remember that Muslim outfit that Michelle likes for you to dress up in when you both are behind closed doors in the White House’s private quarters? You know, the one that you keep hidden under the bed (in the box next to Michelle’s skimpy Catholic school girl outfit) for when after the girls have said “Good Night’? Yeah, that one. Get it from under the bed. Now, put in on and have that White House photographer guy take a few pics. Now, after you’ve thrown the photographer out of your bedroom, discreetly hide the pics of you fully dressed in Muslim garb in your next iteration of the budget. When the Republicans and the idiots at Fox see it in a few days, talk about being scared s%^&-less, Mitch McConnell will likely have a heart attack and John Boehner will cry — and you won’t have to worry about them ever again. No one will likely bug you about the budget either –ever again. You will have had a few good laughs and VOILA! — your budget troubles are over. You can trust me on this Barry. Good luck with the budget … and Michelle.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,
Justplainwill



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Dear Justplainwill: Wha Happened!? https://likethedew.com/2011/03/07/dear-justplainwill-wha-happened/ https://likethedew.com/2011/03/07/dear-justplainwill-wha-happened/#comments Tue, 08 Mar 2011 00:35:18 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=20225 Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? the Office? Or even “Don’t you think the police should have carted Charlie Sheen off instead of the kids?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I have for the past several months been seeing a man and have gotten to know him, his friends and his family fairly well.  They embraced me and I am tickled with them. ...

Recently he told me he does not want me in all areas of his life and basically told me how great I was but he just doesn’t have the time or want to have the time for me anymore.

So, what happened?

Confused

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Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? the Office? Or even “Don’t you think the police should have carted Charlie Sheen off instead of the kids?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I have for the past several months been seeing a man and have gotten to know him, his friends and his family fairly well. They embraced me and I am tickled with them. He admittedly has said he likes to show me off, is happy his family likes me, and complimented me in many ways. We have a great time when we are together and have much in common. Over this course of this time we have talked about everything and when he has expressed a wish for help in matters concerning his teenager (single parent), his businesses, his health, etc. I gladly provided information/advice that he needed, when I could. He was happy with the success he got from this and was grateful for the help each time.

Recently he told me he does not want me in all areas of his life and basically told me how great I was but he just doesn’t have the time or want to have the time for me anymore.

So, what happened?

Confused

Dear Confused:

Good looking. Good listener. Gives good advice. Gets along well with friends and family. ‘Confused’, it sounds like you are almost too good to be true. You’re almost ‘perfect’. (Justplainwill is not being sarcastic about this.)

Therein lies the problem. I’m sure of it.

Nobody likes a know it all, ‘Confused’…even when they really do know it all. The guy probably thought that he was dating Oprah (sans billions of dollars, of course.)

Who the hell needs that kind of pressure?

From a guy’s perspective, we all know that it is very likely that at some point, any woman will say to us “Don’t call me ever again, you bum!” Specifically, all relationships eventually end either in breakup, death, … sometimes both. When asked by family, friends, and associates “Why aren’t you seeing ‘Ol Whatshername’ anymore, any guy is loathe to say “She was perfect … I was a complete idiot to let her get away.” In fact ‘Confused’, this has never been said in the annals of guydom.

Guys are highly uncomfortable with women who are perfect … or anywhere even remotely close. Men need flawed women so that when asked about the reason for the breakup, we can say that ‘Ol Whatshername’ suffered from kleptomania, pyromania, or slutomania*. Another common refrain is “She was good looking but I swear, Larry, the woman was about as dumb as a box of hammers.”

Assuming that said fella is still on the premises — or the immediate vicinity, I would suggest the following strategy (or a reasonable facsimile thereof):

The next time that said fella asks for advice such as “What should I do with my 401-K?” respond by shrugging your shoulders and saying “I dunno, beats me.” Or when asked: “Can you help me find my socks?” Respond by saying “Get ‘em your own damn self”.

Take it from a man, who has been successfully married eight times, you will be much less confused, happier and this relationship will thrive and move on to its next crisis.

Your friend,

Justplainwill

* Yeah, yeah, I know that this is really ‘nymphomania’, but ‘slutomania’ is just more fun to write.

P.S. Thanks, Confused, for sending your letter directly to the Offices of Like the Dew. Those people over at the office were thinking that I make all of this stuff up.

Dear Justplainwill:

One of my idiot assistants figured on the next big thing in fashion. “Bigger’n cargo pants,”he said. So we made these freakin’ elf shoes until they were coming out of our …well, er…we made a $%&^ load of ‘em. Needless to say, you haven’t exactly seen a lot of people walking around in footwear stuff that’s fit to wear only by Tinkerbell and leprechauns now have you?

Now I’m stuck with millions of pairs of these little shoes that I’ve got to carry until next Christmas. Do you have any idea what the depreciation is on elf shoes? Yeah, I’ll just bet that you do.

Anyway, Justplainwill, you just got to help me get rid of these shoes.

S. Claus

Summit Meeting with 'The Powers that Be'

Dear Mr. Claus:

After getting your letter — and knowing the stakes — I had a summit meeting with a group of people known to handle this kind of thing: The Powers that Be, at least when it comes to what a lot of people say, do, and wear). Outlined below is a transcript of that meeting. You will note that their real names have been cleverly disguised for the purposes of security.

Justplainwill: I’m here on behalf of a client.

Danye: You came to the right place. We run this. What do you need?

Justplainwill: My client has problems. He’s got too many shoes on his hands

Sneak Dogg: How’s that our problem, My Wizzle?

Danye: We run this.

Justplainwill: Hey Snoop…er, I mean Sneak. Hi ya Danye. Yeah, I know that y’all run this. That’s why I was thinking that maybe you guys could make elf shoes THE NEXT BIG THING in fashion. You’ve already got folks wearing their pants at half mast, got them wearin’ ear rings, nose rings, and neck tattoos, gators on their feet and mohawk hair do’s. It’s obvious that people will do anything that you say….well except, of course, ‘stay in school’.

Ha-lo: Wait a second! Listen, that wearing of the pants at half mast stuff ain’t us, fella … ain’t our fault. Hell, if ever caught one of my own kids wearin’ his pants half off his butt, I’d beat his ass.

Sneak-Dogg: What do these shoes look like Justplainwizzle?

Justplainwill: I guess you’re talking to me…here they are

Sneak-Dogg: Yeah, My Wizzle. I’m talkin’ to you. What the ….? These are elf shoes. I’m not wearin’….

Danye: Wait Snoop…er, I mean Sneak, we can sell these elf shoes along with my new mixed tape.

Ha-lo: And I can plug them on Idol. Hell, I’ll make the contestants wear ‘em. Me and Randy will make the old American Idol winners wear ‘em too. Most of ‘em got nothing else to do. Can’t you see Reuben Studdard wearin’ elf shoes? Hell, Clay Aiken probably already has a pair.

Sneak-Dogg: I’m not wearin’ any freakin’ elf shoes. I’m just not. I have an image to maintain.

Danye: You don’t have to wear’em. Just say that you like ‘em. People will fall for anything we say. Hell nobody really knows that you’re a member of the Rotary Club and a deacon in the Baptist church either Snoop. I mean Sneak. Same thing baby. Same thing.

Sneak-Dogg: I see your point, Kanye…I mean Danye.

The Next Big Thing In Fashion?

Ha-Lo: Will, tell your client that he has a deal. But we want 50% of the gross and we have to have all of our names stamped on the shoe somewhere. Dammit we’ll show Ralph Lauren and those people at Timberland that we can sell shoes too.

Danye: It’s a deal. Like I say ‘We run this.’

Mr. Claus, as you can see, help is on the way. You can express your gratitude by bringing me those new golf clubs that I’ve been wanting for a couple of years now. (The Callaway X-22’s with the graphite shafts.)

Yours truly,

Justplainwill



________
Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.

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Dear Justplainwill: Boys n Berries n Pie https://likethedew.com/2011/02/09/dear-justplainwill-boys-n-berries-n-pie/ https://likethedew.com/2011/02/09/dear-justplainwill-boys-n-berries-n-pie/#comments Wed, 09 Feb 2011 23:51:01 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=18916 Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even "Damn... you mean there's even more of 'em!? Just how many more Kardashians have the scientists found now?" Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:
I’m looking for an after school activity for my 12-year old son. The hours between 3:00 and 5:00 are when kids typically get into trouble. I’ve got to find him something to do after school until I get home from work. February is the 101st Anniversary of the Boy Scouts, Justplainwill. Can you tell me about Scouting and if you think that it is the activity he needs?
Betty
Woodstock, GA

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I'm tellin' ya, we should brought the matches... and the gasoline

Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even “Damn… you mean there’s even more of ’em!? Just how many more Kardashians have the scientists found now?” Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:

I’m looking for an after school activity for my 12-year old son. The hours between 3:00 and 5:00 are when kids typically get into trouble. I’ve got to find him something to do after school until I get home from work. February is the 101st Anniversary of the Boy Scouts, Justplainwill. Can you tell me about Scouting and if you think that it is the activity he needs?

Betty

Woodstock, GA

Dear Betty:

The first Boy Scout was discovered in February, 1910 in London, England. At the time, the Scout was helping a little old lady cross the street. History is unclear as to whether she actually wanted to cross or not since eyewitness accounts have her kicking, screaming and beating the young boy ‘half to death’ with her handbag. It seems the young Scout was insistent, however and voila!… The Boy Scouts were born. That also may have answered the mystery of “Why did the chicken old lady cross the road? But I digress…

Scouting exploded in the 1950’s, its membership increasing tenfold. The growth was firmly rooted in the Baby Boom (1946 -1963). During this period, 79,000,000 million new Americans were born – literally one every 7 seconds and the place was literally overrun with little crumb crushers. A common parental refrain of the era was, “Emily, we gotta find something for all of these little bastards to do, otherwise they’re gonna drive us efing insane!”

The Boy Scout did all this with just 2 sticks of wood!?

When I was just a little “JusplainWilly”, I was in Boy Scout in Troop 9999. We learned how to do many things in the great outdoors: making camp, digging latrines, foraging for food, and starting fires with two sticks of wood. It was a great after school activity, kept us “-off the streets-” but out of the house, much to my mother’s delight. The experience also reinforced the idea that you could build just about anything — as well as start fires — with a bunch of sticks. It was certainly great career preparation if you were interested in growing up to be a cowboy, homeless, or a pyromaniac.

At one scout meeting, we even learned to drill for oil and refine gasoline. At another, we built a Space Shuttle made entirely from the bark of a pine tree. Sadly, my troop was disbanded by court order after it became evident to local authorities that gasoline, fire, pine cones, and 12-year boys could be a volatile mix.

Betty, all in all I think that Scouting is an excellent activity for a growing boy. I’d tell the kid to be careful about trying to help little old ladies cross the street though. People have gotten really touchy. These days that kind of thing might get you arrested for attempted kidnapping or sexual harassment.

Be Prepared,

Justplainwill

Dear Justplainwill:

February is Black History Month and I have been assigned to write an essay about the great black inventors. I bet that you know some black people, Justplainwill. In your opinion, which one of ’em was the greatest inventor?

Kid in California

Dear Kid:

It’s you again.

No problemo. I’m glad to help… and yes, kid, it is true… I frequently have black people over for Sunday dinner.

Any discussion of the great inventors would be woefully and dreadfully incomplete without Dr. Charles Drew (the blood bank), Garrett Augustus Morgan (traffic signal) and George Washington Carver. Dr. Carver invented all kinds of stuff around the turn of the 20th Century — and in Alabama too. I mean, who’d a thunk it?

However, in the opinion of Justplainwill, the greatest inventors of anything — ever — were Mr. and Mrs. Berry, the inventors of Chuck and Halle. Assuming that your parents have raised you right, you already know that Chuck Berry was one of the architects of Rock n Roll and invented the Duckwalk. His little sister, Halle Berry is the architect of… well… er… “Hot” (or whatever she says she’s the architect of).

It’s not often that you catch lighting in a bottle. And just think kid, Mr. and Mrs. Berry did it TWICE. Yep, they were the greatest inventors ever, black or otherwise.

Historically yours,

Justplainwill

One of the truly great things about America

Dear Justplainwill:

I have a real problem. The authorities are trying to deport me to Guadalajara. I have been in the country for a few years and like it here. I am particularly fond of your relatively mild summers, Georgia peaches and the Chicago deep dish pizza pie. In addition to those things, I am also fond of my job cooking at Manny’s Chinese Food Emporium. Justplainwill, do you have any advice as to how I can solve my problem?

Juan Smith

Dear Juan:

I think that your problem is easily solved. If you haven’t noticed, the real pastime of Americans is not baseball or even football, but rather packaging and re-packaging. I would suggest that you concentrate on changing your whole approach and developing what some people refer to as… “a certain cache.” Like French wine, German cars, and Italian shoes your problems will be over once you start describing yourself as a “Mexican import.”

Wishing you well,

Justplainwill

P.S. I am sure that there is a new “app” for this on the latest Ipaid.



________
Write Justplainwill@likethedew.com.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ofD9t_sULM



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Martha, Mashuganas and Motherf@#$&%s https://likethedew.com/2011/02/06/martha-mashuganas-and-motherfrs/ https://likethedew.com/2011/02/06/martha-mashuganas-and-motherfrs/#comments Sun, 06 Feb 2011 12:48:52 +0000 http://likethedew.com/?p=18595 Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even, "Who does Herman Cain really think he's foolin' anyway?" Write Justplainwill.

Deer Jesplanewool:
Sum dam phool at my kid’s skool has came up wit the torrible idear for the teecher to grade the payrints. They sez thet theys want us payrens to be more invelvid in they’s  kids larning. I mean I got me thangs to do. Dis is the stoopidesst ideer I’ze ever herd of. Besides, me an my kid does utter stuff, likes smoke, drank and git drunk together. What duz you thank, Jesplanewool?

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Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even, “Who does Herman Cain really think he’s foolin’ anyway?” Write Justplainwill.

Deer Jesplanewool: Sum dam phool at my kid’s skool has came up wit the torrible idear for the teecher to grade the payrints. They sez thet theys want us payrens to be more invelvid in they’s  kids larning. I mean I got me thangs to do. Dis is the stoopidesst ideer I’ze ever herd of. Besides, me an my kid does utter stuff, likes smoke, drank and git drunk together. What duz you thank, Jesplanewool? Abner, Jasper, Tex.

Dear Abner:

I see your point. It is clear that a lot of people should be even less involved in their kid’s education — or life. It’s also obvious that some people shouldn’t have had kids in the first place. Abner, look at the idea of teachers grading parents as the government’s way of telling you that they’ve finally figured out who’s messing up the gene pool — and that the authorities are likely on their way. Think of it as an Early Warning System, similar to NORAD … except in this case, it’s NO WAY.

On the lookout for you,

Justplainwill


Dear Justplainwill:

Is Martha Stewart part of the solution or part of the problem? She’s pretty annoying, if you ask me. What do you think Justplainwill?

Rachel R.

New York

Dear Rach:

I know what you mean. Martha is infuriating. First, she’s on all channels … every single one. She’s like kudzu. She’s every dam where.  A guy turns on the television and there she is looking right back at you, preaching about how to make doilies or quiche or anything else that’s totally useless. (In order to make quiche, you have to break eggs, mince 87 different kinds of vegetables. I mean you gotta bake that stuff. It takes time, you know!? Heck, most of us need that time to look for jobs on the Internet.)

At the next National Convention of Advice Givers, I plan to have a sit down with her and make it clear that if she insists on meddling in people’s lives then she sure as hell ought to tell them how to do useful stuff like maybe making their own electricity.  The rest of us are in a recession, after all. At the very least, Martha should be teaching people how to steal cable from their neighbors or glom off their internet, something useful like that. You’d think the woman would want to be more helpful.

Your buddy,

Justplainwill


Dear Sir:

Do any companies ever really read the resumes that are sent to them over jobsites on the Internet? I have sent out thousands of resumes and not one has ever been selected for consideration. Not a single one. I have excellent qualifications for the jobs for which I am applying. Mr. Justplainwill, I have been laid off since the Bush Administration –the first one — and I really need to a paycheck.

Larry

Atlanta, Ga

Dear Larry:

First of all, who the hell are you calling ‘sir’? I may be getting old, but you don’t have to go around calling it to everybody’s attention. I just bet that you’re also one of those young smart asses, who goes around holding doors open for everyone who looks like they shouldn’t be making a lot of long range plans. Jerk.

 

Now, to answer your question: Yes and No.

In an effort to get to the heart of the matter, your intrepid advice columnist recently visited with the Director of Human Resources of one of the Southeast’s leading companies. Below is a partial transcript of that visit.

JPW: Harry, how do you select which resumes that you are going to consider  for hiring?

Harry: It’s simple, Justplainwill. We scan each piece of paper that we get using artificial intelligence.  The computer looks for certain key words on each page. If we find just two of ‘em, BINGO, we got a hit, and we select that resume.

JPW: So you’re looking for magic words, eh?

Harry: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

JPW: Doesn’t seem like you people get many hits. What are the magic words?

Harry: Will, I could get in a lot of trouble for this, but since it’s you, the words are:‘Beelzebub’, ‘Mashugana’, ‘foreplay’, ‘Alcatraz’,’ porn-star’ and ‘motherf(*&%r.’

JPW: What!? Motherf(*&%r? Mashugana? Come again!

Harry: It’s corporate policy, Will. Most of your better companies do it the exact same way.

JPW: But the chances of anyone having one of those words in their resume, let alone two is…

Harry: That’s the way it is, Will. Like I said: Corporate policy.

JPW: But…but…

Harry: When we get a hit, we call ‘em and tell them to come out for an interview.

JPW: And then you start the formal ‘HR process’ to hire them, right?

Harry: You’re expecting wayyyyyyyy too much, Will. I mean, who’s got that kind of time?

We’re in a recession, you know. We have to reject people real fast.  No, we tell the idiots, who actually come out here that we were just kidding. Well, we don’t use those words exactly. We tell them that there’s a hiring freeze on … ’announced just this  morning’. Or we tell ‘em that they are over-qualified for the job. Like I said, most of your better companies do it the same way. There really no secrets in this business. None…

JPW: So the chances of …

Harry: … winning the Powerball lottery are better than getting hired or having an actual resume being selected. And that’s the way it works, Will. The country has a high rate of unemployment. Our company is proud that we’ve done our part to keep it that way. This is a great country, just the way it is, and we’re are going to do whatever we can to keep it that way.

Larry, by now you get the idea. I am not saying that your resume will never get selected, but I wouldn’t be making any plans to go to any employee picnics anytime soon, if I were you.  Or if you do, plan on the festivities being held next to the Ganges River in India, where all the other jobs have gone.

Your friend,

Justplainwill


________
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