In my dreams last night I imagined interviewing Trump on his last full day in office. He refused to answer any questions directly and just barked at me for asking anything he didn’t want to hear. He reminded me of a dog I once had who slipped into canine dementia and would often stand motionless not knowing what to do next except to howl.

After my interview was over, my thoughts ran to a quote from Jimmy Breslin about the presidency and the people who ended up in the office: “The occupant often makes you want to genuflect or spit.”

Questions I posed:

Me: So let me begin by thanking you for attending the funeral of Capitol Police officer Brian Sicknick who was murdered by a mobster who struck him with a fire extinguisher.

Trump: No, too busy to worry about such stuff. I have more important work to do.

Me: Oh, so sorry, my mistake, it was Pence who called the family to offer condolences to the family.

Trump: Look, what’s a vice president to do other than to sweep up the pieces. As I said, I was against the violence and said it was not the American way. OK, what else do you want me to do?

Me: For the past four years, some people have said you have followed a tortured and delusional path. They point the finger and say your “malignant narcissism” will never allow you to see the truth.

Trump: My what? What the hell are you saying?

Look, are you just like all the rest of those sniveling, wimpy newsmen who treat me with no respect and attack me brutally for no reason? People see through you as fake news. Don’t you get it?

Me: That’s not fair, I’m only posing questions.

Now we have the violence on 6 January and you don’t seem to take any responsibility for inciting the mobs. Some critics say you got yourself elected by summoning a digital mob through Twitter and Facebook and then wind up trying to reverse the results of an election by summoning an actual mob to Washington.

Trump: Not true at all. We all know the election was rigged. My followers were just trying to make a point to Congress that they were the last check point to stop this fraud.

And I don’t give a shit what that RINO columnist Bret Stephens says in today’s “New York Times.” I’m proud to be a political arsonist and will happily burn down the presidency if the deep state is trying to silence me. I’ll torch all my enemies, and my followers will cheer me on.

Me: On your last full day in office, I hear you’re preparing to grant presidential pardons to over one-hundred convicted felons. There’s also a story that you are accepting donations for your organization for some pardons. Some figures go as high as $50K.

Some commentators say that back in the early 16th century, Martin Luther presented his Ninety-five Theses against indulgences sold by the Catholic Church in exchange for forgiveness of sins. We all know how the whole business of indulgences played out in history.

Trump: I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to get at, but I’m a “law and order president.” Who the hell’s Martin Luther, anyway? I won’t allow the Democrats to accuse me of anything when they’re guilty of a huge hoax. And I sure as hell won’t put up with a bunch of pussy RINOs joining in the fight. Piss on all of them. I’ll see them in the primaries, because I ain’t going away.

Me: So what do you say when you’re told that this is reportedly a country of laws, not men.

Trump: Of course, it’s a country of laws. Laws the way I interpret them. I got rid of that spineless Barr and I’ll get rid of anyone else who gets in my way.

Me: So getting back to the pardons.

Is your personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani in store for a preemptive pardon? You remember, of course, he’s the one who called for “trial by combat” to incite the mob on 6 January.

Trump: Rudy’s a patriotic American who can smell phonies like you from miles away. He’s been on to this hoax since November and has been prevented from outing the fake reporting. He’s most deserving of praise and a pardon for anything the Democrat’s charge him with.

Me: And how about members of your own family, including your son-in- law? There has been much speculation about their complicity in wrong doing.

Trump: How dare you insinuate anything about my family. Just because some reporter says Ivanka and Jared wouldn’t let the Secret Service guys who protect them use one of their six and a half bathrooms, you claim they’re criminals. This is the kind of shit that people howl about. So what if it cost the government a couple hundred thousand for that potty apartment. Those Secret Service guys gotta quit drinking so much coffee.

Me: And what about yourself? Of course, issuing a self-pardon might be seen by Republican senators voting at the impeachment hearings as a sign that you’re guilty as charged.

Trump: What a load of shit. I’m guilty of nothing other than protecting the United States of America from falling to liberal elites, the press, and Antifa. You can all go to hell.

Me: I understand, too, that you’ve demanded a big military send-off when you depart aboard Air Force One early on Wednesday. Will you have your Marine One chopper make a ceremonial detour flyover of the Capitol building?

If you do, wouldn’t that send a signal to the same people who broke into the Capitol that you haven’t forgotten them and that the flyover is a sign to encourage them to “fight like hell.”

Trump: Why should I tell you what I’m going to do on Wednesday morning? I wish it were a hot afternoon right now and we were having this interview outside. I’d make you sweat like I did that little prick Stephanopoulous. Me and my people aren’t going to disappear, you get that?

Me: What do you think you’ll miss most after you leave the White House? All those high-minded cultural events? Remind me again what artists you invited to perform? Kid Rock? Kayne West? John Rich?

Trump: Look, I like what I like. So I’m not JFK who invites Pablo Casals or whatever his name is in to play. Who enjoys that shit anyway?

Me: Talk a bit about your cabinet and who were your favorites.

Trump: My cabinet was top notch from education through commerce to HUD to defense and state. I think they did a fine job. Education in this country has never been so good, thanks to Betsy. I had to fire a couple, but they had it coming. Besides, I’m up for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Me: What about your current relationship with Mike Pence? He was always willing to do whatever you asked. Do you think you put him in an impossible position on 6 Jan? He had no power to invalidate the Electoral College vote.

Trump: Bullshit. He showed what a sissy boy with no balls he was when all he had to do was simply say “Hell no, these tallies are false. A hoax.” He deserved getting the shit scared out of him.

Me: What are your presidential library plans? Stories have circulated over the past four years that Melania and Ivanka don’t get along. And now we read that they’re supposed to be co-planning the design of the building.

Trump: More personal shit you throw at me. Ivanka and Melania have a close and loving relationship and will help build the best presidential library in history—there’s never been a presidential library like the one I’m going to have. So back off. It’s going to be HUGE!

Me: How do you see Melania adjusting after she is no longer First Lady? There is some speculation that she might want to create a new life independent of you.

Trump: How dare you! Melania and I are quite close and she is content with whatever we do next. She’s exceptionally bright and more knowledgeable and articulate than the entire “New York Times” editorial board. Those failing losers. And both my sons are too, and run circles around you critics.

Me: Do you see scholars such as the ones who compiled your just released 1776 Commission’s sweeping attack on liberal thought having a main role in the library? As you know, they call for a “patriotic education,” defend America’s founding fathers against the taint of slavery, and liken progressivism to fascism.

What do you say when most serious historians dismiss the report as laughable?

Trump: More fake news from liberal so-called scholars who can barely pay their rent. The men and women who wrote the 1776 report are true patriots who should be praised, not criticized.

Me: Some people here and abroad now see you as a man not in control of his emotions, irrational and constantly flailing out in anger, babbling and believing his own nonsense and lies. What do you say to them?

Trump: I say piss off. I wish I could just get my hands around their necks. My people know who they are and will be holding them accountable.

Me: Some say you have had certain advantages that money brought you, somewhat tainted money that you inherited. Others laugh and call you a mediocre businessman at best. They say your long string of bankruptcies is your biggest accomplishment. The IRS is looking at your tax filings and the state of New York is likely to bring charges against you soon. How do you respond?

Trump: I say to hell with them. The IRS are witch hunters and Cuomo hates me. So they make up lies. I’m invulnerable, invincible. Remember, I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and get away with it. Come after me if you want. You’ll lose, since you’re all losers.

Me: You’ve been accused over your life of being a man with an unquenchable appetite for attention and praise, that you have never had any sense of what is truly valuable – showing respect and empathy toward others, treating everyone honestly and without deceit, honoring your country and your family, providing for the betterment of society, and instilling moral values and ethics into your children. How do you respond to these accusations?

Trump: I think this interview is about over. Of course, I love everyone and have done more for society than anyone, including that semi-communist Roosevelt. And look what I’ve done for the Blacks. More than Lincoln, for sure. And my children are all well respected by everyone. No one doubts their honesty.

Me: So as you depart the nation’s capital on Wednesday, some people will ask if you remember the words of the Athenian lawgiver Solon who told the proud King Croesus: Count no man happy until his end is known.

Are you a happy man?

I ask because many people, especially clinical psychologists see you as what they call a malignant narcissist, one who is thoughtless, selfish, one without a sense of conscience and incapable of human emotion.

Trump: Athenian who? You little shit talking to me, your president, in such a disrespectful way. I’ll see that you’re investigated and put in jail. Now, get out of my sight.

Me: So be it, but do you realize that on Inaugural Day, some think there will be a loud sigh across the nation that you are gone. In comparing you with Obama and Biden, many think you are not even remotely on the same plane as your predecessor and your successor.

Trump signaling to his security detail: Get him out of here. Whose fault is it that I’m talking to him?

Here interview abruptly ends. I am escorted out.

As my friend Eric said so eloquently later today, “Tomorrow he becomes just a sad little ‘shitstain’ sitting wherever a ‘shitstain’ like him sits, raving only to himself and whoever’s unfortunate enough to find themselves in his immediate company.

“I read once that one of Andrew Jackson’s favorite pastimes post-presidency was to sit at home and read old newspapers from his time in office and bitch and rail to the rafters. I hope this sorry little weasel spends the rest of his worthless life tormented by the knowledge that Garth Brooks agreed to play the Biden inauguration at Jill Biden’s personal request.”

In conclusion, I return to Jimmy Breslin’s observation: On your name and so-called legacy, I spit.


Image Credit: the feature caricature of former President Donald Trump was created by DonkeyHotey (Flickr/Creative Commons).

David Evans

I'm retired from another life and live in the mountains of eastern West Virginia with my muse Jody along with one remaining dog.  We've decided no more dogs and cats.  Losing them is just too painful. Being independent and no longer in the reins of someone else's driver, I now have the chance to revisit the many people and places that have enriched my life. The good folks at Wesleyan College in central West Virginia guided me to a graduate degree in fine arts in early 2018.  My plan is to use some of the skills I learned from two years in this creative writing program to tell my story.