Fact-Based Satire


“I could not have done it without you, Progressives. I may not agree with you on politics but thank you so much anyway. You handed me a tremendous victory!”

Trump, Fox News, November 4, 2020

No one could have foreseen the events of yesterday, election day. Trump… the President most despised by Progressives in over a hundred years… has been re-elected in an historically close election. Trump praised all those in his base who voted for him, as well as those voting for the Green Party candidate saying, “Good for them; people should vote for someone they really believe in. They voted with their heart. And, they got me instead.”

Also, he addressed those apathetic Democratic voters who stayed home. According to Trump, “The Democrats never really got their base riled up enough to vote. There was a lot of dissension in their ranks with many of the far-left socialists opting to stay home. Sleepy Joe just didn’t motivate the others enough.” 

Progressives have been all over social media for many months, complaining that Bernie Sanders, their pick for the Democratic candidate, had not been chosen and that the DNC rigged the election. Bernie had clearly endorsed Biden, but not campaigned much due to COVID-19. Said Bernie: “I can’t believe it. My people have not only let me down, they’ve let the entire country down.” 

Biden actually won the popular vote by 2 million, but lost in the Electoral College where it takes only 270 Electoral votes to win. The last two GOP Presidents, W and Trump, have each won this way. The GOP also maintained a bare 51-49 majority in the Senate, with several losses blamed on Progressives staying home in some very close battles.

Two thirds of the states were previously viewed as sown up one way or the other for a particular party in the 2020 national election and their were no surprises in these states. Here is a breakdown of the remaining 17 swing states and how they voted for President:  

  • For Trump: Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Iowa, Maine, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Virginia and Texas.
  • For Biden: Colorado, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Minnesota.

On the bright side for Democrats, the wins in most of these states were once again by a razor thin margin. Democrats had high hopes for Pennsylvania, Florida and North Carolina in particular, states where the Green Party candidate did well. Pundits indicated that if Biden had gotten these votes, he would be President today. A similar situation occurred in the 2000 Presidential election where Ralph Nader won enough votes in Florida to assure a Bush victory. 

In his speech this morning, Trump indicated that he expected to appoint 2 or 3 very conservative Supreme Court Justices However, he also stated that he would not be bound by any SCOTUS decisions, but would take them into consideration, while he was President. Trump also set a goal of having at least 50% of all Federal judges appointed by him in either his first or second Administration, even if it meant expanding the number of judges nationwide. 

He further indicated that he would be abolishing the position of Inspector General for all Federal agencies in that it was a “waste of taxpayer money”. He also instructed AG Barr to identify intelligence agency personnel who were not following Trump policies, indicating that he had also instructed each department head to terminate the employment of any and all employees who were either appointed by the Obama Administration or who expressed any support for the Democrats, saying “I have full and complete authority now; they work for me or not at all”. 

He also stated that he would renew his plan to immediately stop all immigration and deport all illegal immigrants, including “Dreamers”. Trump declared that he would reallocate money Congress had allocated for the UN, the EPA and the military to accomplish his goal of a border fence. He further stated that he would be issuing a series of Executive Orders repealing all remaining environmental regulations issued in the Obama Administration.  

He said he would be looking into ways to issue Orders to slash corporate income taxes to half what they are now, rather than bringing legislation to Congress where the Democrats retained control of the House. He also stated that he intended to continue to bring legal action to neuter the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) and would instruct his agencies to ignore portions of the law which go against his upcoming directives.  


Author’s note: This column may be a satire, but it will undoubtedly come true if Progressives continue to say that they will either vote Green or stay home.

Image Credit: the feature image is a composite of caricatures created DonkeyHotey of Joe Biden and Donald Trump (Flickr/Creative Commons).

Jack Bernard

Jack Bernard

Jack A Bernard is a retired SVP with a national healthcare corporation. He was Chair of the Jasper County, Ga Board of Commissioners and Republican Party. He was also on the Board of Health for Jasper County and is currently on the Fayette County BOH. Bernard has over 100 columns published annually, primarily in the South.