Author’s Note: This conversation never took place, but it certainly could have.
Ivanka: Hi, Daddy. You don’t look well.
Trump: I always look great, and it’s only because of me that you got your good looks. I’m the most handsome man on the planet. In any case, I look very well for someone who just had a heart attack.
Ivanka: Well, that’s true, but aren’t you going to make an announcement rather than just continue to say that you went into the hospital for “phase 1” of your physical? You realize that makes no sense?
Trump: It doesn’t have to make sense. If I say it, it’s the truth for those dummies out there. Anything else is just “fake news.” Anyway, my TV network will back me up and the people who watch it don’t watch any other news source. Fox is Trumpworld. My supporters will believe me rather than what they hear or see. They cheer me when I say that at my rallies, which are the biggest the world has ever seen.
Ivanka: Daddy, that gets me to why I came over to see you. I’m starting to worry. Witness after witness has come out publicly and said that you held up $400 million in aid to the Ukraine, our ally, to force them to start a bogus investigation into Biden, your most formidable opponent in 2020, and you didn’t release it until a few days after the whistleblower called you out. It looks really bad, like bribery and extortion.
Trump: The Ukraine is just another s***hole country. If the Ukraine wants my money to fight my friend Putin, they have to do what I demand.
Ivanka: But the money isn’t yours. Congress appropriated it to ensure national security, not get you elected. It’s not your right to stop the funds from going there. Is it?
Trump: I’m President; I can do anything I want. Who’s going to stop me? Those gutless GOP politicians? It’s not their party, and they better darn well know it or retire like Speaker Ryan did. It’s mine and I tell them what to do. They work for me, and I can fire them just by campaigning against them in the primaries
Ivanka: But what about separation of powers? We have three branches of government with equal and separate authority.
Trump: McConnell is scared to death of me, and I’m stacking the federal courts with my guys, regardless of their qualifications
Ivanka: Don’t you worry that your base may figure out what’s really going on? That you say things that are not accurate and are inconsistent with your actions?
Trump: You mean like they did with immigration? I had Trump Tower in Manhattan built by illegal Polish immigrants. I got my wife her citizenship as well as her elderly parents. But I tell these rubes we have too many people coming into the country, and the dummies believe anything I say. I’m playing the base the same way I played my partners in the Atlantic City casinos who got left holding the bag when they went bankrupt.
Ivanka: So far, that’s been true. But what if it ever changes? What if the base stops supporting you and the GOP politicians start to think for themselves?
Trump: You’ve got to understand how this really works, baby. I told Rudy to get it done so I can blame him if there’s a problem. Remember how I set up my last lawyer, Cohen? That jailbird thought he was so smart, but he was just a sucker. And so is Rudy. It’s win or lose; there’s no gray. And, I always win