Breaking Newz: A quickly unfolding scandal has revealed that Hillary Clinton colluded with millions of democrats nationwide to vote against Donald Trump during the 2016 elections.
In a statement today, Satan’s BedBug, Kellyanne Conway, said “We hope it is clear to America now how unfairly Donald Trump was treated. When Donald Trump ran for president, Hillary purposely tried to win. We see this as proof she colluded with American Democrats to derail our campaign. We hope each and every one of them will be brought to justice and punished for their crimes. And by locking up millions of democrats the Trump administration will create thousands of new prison jobs.”
Hillary has been caught on tape talking to unnamed voters on the campaign trail sayin’ that “Donald Trump is unfit to hold the highest office in the land.” While no one, not even the Trump campaign, disagreed with her assessment – it looks like Hillary herself was holding the smoking gun.
Some of the most damning evidence is a tape where Clinton, at a Michigan campaign stop, says multiple times “Vote for me.” It can’t get much clearer than that. Most Russian journalists see that as evidence she tried to win.
The Washington Post was quoted saying “What would have happened if she had won? Would there be two presidents? Wouldn’t her winning be unfair to the other candidate even if she got more votes? Thank goodness we have the Electoral College so we can select who we want. We feel Clinton’s actions if not illegal, are pretty un-American.”
The Clinton campaign illegally obtained opposition research from ABC news of Donald Trump screaming at a campaign rally “smash his face – don’t worry I’ll pay your bills” and giggling about “grabbing pussies with my tiny hands.” It is thought that Hillary obtained this information by watching a newscast in a Holiday Inn lounge. Also in attendance were several foreign born Mexicans who were “cleaning up the gin and tonic Hillary threw at the TV.” It still has to be determined who cleaned what up, and when did they clean it?
The FBI is looking deeper into this story and a special prosecutor has been selected. Trumps newly pardoned selection for the FBI, Charles Manson, said today “there may have been other democrats trying to win elections around the country and we need to put a stop to this. I will take this as far as I have to. It appears Bernie Sanders was in on this too.”
Mitch McConnell, who is still looking for the rest of his face that he left somewhere, thinks this goes much, much deeper. In chambers today, he stated, “The American people need to know the truth, we think this corrupt desire to defeat our candidate goes even further – There is evidence that Barack Hussein Obama did this same thing to Mitt Romney.”
Al Franken has been subpoenaed to appear before Congress and was quoted saying “can’t these stupid fucks take a joke?”