classified funny


Trump - Leaker in chief or KGB/FSB operative - you make the call

Well, tie me to an ant hill and slap jelly in ma ears … Vladimir Putin, former KGB chief, thug and Dictator in Chief of Russia has offered to vouch for Donald’s Trumps innocence and honesty during a high stakes classified information swap-meet in the oval office. Vlad says he can prove that Donald is telling the truth.

Well! Jeeeesh, that’s relief!

Show of hands, who, republican or democrat, with even a smidge of common sense feels more secure and that Donald is trustworthy?

Com’on people get those hands up where I can see them.

Granted, Russia is a place that has built an entire governmental system around doctoring documents and making people disappear. They’ve hacked the Democratic Party and who knows who else. They have planted thousands of false stories across the internet and in social media in order to disrupt and misinform Americans and others. They actively support terrorist regimes with military hardware and manpower. (Though we have pulled that last one too … just sayin’) But does any of this mean they aren’t nice guys? … Boys will be boys you know.

So, the questions is, how does sending us a document that verifies what conversations that took place on U.S soil, in our White House, where Russian press and photographers were allowed access, but the “free American Press” were not, and where Donald leaked highly classified information to operatives of an enemy state — clear Donald’s name?

That is a tall order – and Putin’s behavior does leave me with some misgivings. When was the last time that anyone in Russia, let alone their supreme dictator vouched for the honesty and veracity of an American president or any American politician? I seem to recall them calling us liars, deceivers, imperialists and other such names … never honest and above reproach … so that’s not good.

This week alone Putin called Americans “stupid” and “dangerous and corrupt.” If you are trying to get on my good side, that approach is a tad harsh and gettin’ off on the wrong foot if you ask me … But should Putin be given the Good Ol’ American benefit of the doubt? Or should we rely on getting a few more facts … fake or otherwise?

Maybe I can help.

Due to my deep intel contacts and my past life in Dark Ops – I’ve managed to get a copy of Vladimir’s letter “clearing the Donald.”

I couldn’t get Putin’s final version as I had to sneak out of the Kremlin on short notice (man they post a lot of guards there).

So this is only a first draft. There is some redaction and a few handwritten notations by Putin, but I think you will be much relived after reading it.


Russian Symbol - hammer and Sickle


From the Desk of:
Vladimir Putin – Despot and Ruling Czar of Russia
666 Kremlin Way, FSB Headquarters
Russkieville, Russia

My dear capitalistic American pigs people,

This is you buddy Vlad talking, and I just want to clear up any misconceptions about Donald being a deeply placed mole and feeding us valuable intelligence. As you know Donny is a tad on the slow side and not much of what he’s told us, aside from the nuclear launch codes, the location of your subs, when he was going to launch those cruise missiles at Syria, and where he buys his Spanks for Men, has been of any use at all. I mean please, I could have learned all that in the White House cafeteria over a bowl of borscht.

Last week, at the meeting in question, Donny kept your newz folks out, and let our Comrades of the Commie Press in, only because we do a lot better job of reporting the American news than the Fake New York Times or that walking corpse, Charlie Rose.

We have a tape … er, transcript of the meeting in question, it went as follows:

Russkie Ambasador: Hey Dumby, whatz shakin my man?!

Donny: Not much you Russkie Bioches. The American press are assholes late, so let’s keep ‘em waiting in the hallway (sounds of laughter and giggling as the door open and closes).

Russkie Ambasador: Well, let’s get down to business. We need to know what ffffffffff fffffffff fffffff ffffffffffff ffffffffff ffffffffffff fffffffffff fffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffff fffffffffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffff fffffffffffffff ffff fffffff ffffffffffffff said and who that was sent to.

Donny: No Prob my brother, Flynn flew to fffffffffffff, fffffffffffff and contacted fffffff ffffffffff fffffff ffffff my insurance agent for a quote.

Russkie Ambasador: Do you think we could contact you Jimmy Johns again to find out if fffff fffffff fffffffff Sandwiches will be available at our next meeting?

Donny: Sure no prob, Jared will take care of everything. Oh guess who was spying on ffffff ffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffff FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFFF FFFFFFFFF FFFFFFFF my grandkids? It was fffff fffffffff Hillary!

Russkie Ambasador: Dumby, we’d like to present you with a small token of our appreciation. It’s a little button to wear on your lapel … make sure you wear it at all times … Ah, … for good luck (more giggling and laughing from the Russian delegation and press).

Donny: Very awesome dude, it’s a great pin, you make the best pins … Americans can’t make their own pins … Sad!

End of transcript (Russians adjust Oval Office taping equipment for Donald and leave).

So you see nuthzink happened …

And doesn’t Donny have such nice Communist block wife? I bet he did some grabbin’ there ha, ha! She reminds me of Natasha on the Rocky and Bullwinkle show. I just love it when she says “Boris, kill Moose and Squirrel.”

So you see American imbeciles, patriots, nuthinzink to see here. Everyzing ezz on up an’ up. Go have a vodka and forget about this … we’ll take care of everything, including your next election.

Your BFF,

Vlad the Impaler



Image “Trump - Leaker in chief or KGB/FSB operative - you make the call" is by Trevor Irvin and licensed by at Daryl Cagle's using contributions from generous readers such as you.
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".