Hillary was dead, not dead dead, but dead as a hammer in the world of politics. The Electoral College was dedicated to its duty, and voted according to expectations, with its members then checking themselves into rehab.
It was in this world that The Donald lived. High potentate, head banana, big-wig and man in charge, living large in The Tower while waiting for the residents of the public housing to move out so he could move in, if he decided he wanted to downgrade.
The Donald slept the sleep of the always right in his splendorous surroundings, never expecting anything to upset his world. Then there was a knock on his bedroom door and a rotund figure resembling Newt Gingrich appeared.
“I am the Ghost of Election Past,” the figure said, as The Donald struggled to put on his toupee in case there was a camera in the room.
“Why do you trouble me? The election is over and I won.”
“I’m here to show you shadows of elections past, so you can learn from them.”
“I don’t need to learn because I already know everything,” replied The Donald. “I’m qualified for every job in the world because I’m super rich?”
“Then why didn’t you release your tax returns?”
“What’s the point?” said The Donald. “I haven’t paid taxes in years so why release blank pieces of paper as it would just confuse the liberal mainstream media.”
The Spirit said, “Well, you didn’t win the popular vote.”
“I would have if the election hadn’t been fixed,” said The Donald. “The people love me.”
“Yeah, some do,” said the Spirit. “You were supported by the KKK.”
“Never heard of them,” replied The Donald. “And I have an e-mail from a good authority on the Internet that I would have won the popular vote if the fix had not been in.”
“Who sent you that?” asked the Spirit.
The Spirit sighed and said, “My time grows short, and it seems history is not your strong suit.”
“I love history, everyone knows I love history,” said The Donald. “I just don’t believe in it.”
The Ghost of Election Past drifted away and The Donald fell asleep but was soon jolted awake as if suddenly finding a tax loophole. A specter stood in the corner.
“Why are you here,” the Donald shouted with anger. “I’ve already won so leave me alone.”
“I’m here for your good,” said the Spirit of Election Present. “The first thing you need to learn is there is a difference between running for office and running government.”
“I’m going to run government like a business,” replied The Donald.
“It’s generally not a good thing when government declares bankruptcy,” said the Spirit. “We could end up owning Greece money.”
“When I finish cooking the books we’ll own the Acropolis,” said The Donald. “I’ll come out smelling like a rose.”
“What about the day- to-day business of running the country?” queried the Spirit.
“I have great people in charge and they will run the government,” said The Donald. “I don’t have time to piddle with details.”
“Like security and intelligence briefings?”
“I don’t need details,” yelled The Donald. “Just tell me who to bomb.”
“You need to see the world from a broad spectrum,” the Spirit replied.
“Like what?” asked The Donald.
“Like health care, global warming, and protecting the environment for future generations.”
“Healthy people don’t need doctors so I’m going to replace Obamacare with gymnasiums all across the country,” said The Donald. “And regulations to protect the environment are bad for business. So what if a little river catches on fire every now and then, and as long as the air isn’t the color of my hair I don’t see a problem.”
“What about the status of the United States in the eyes of the rest of the world?” asked the Spirit.
“I’m making America great again and the rest of the world will know it,” yelled The Donald.
“Because I said so,” grunted The Donald.
The Spirit of Election Present sobbed then drifted away.
The Donald was angry his sleep had been interrupted and was about to call for his private security force to keep everyone out, when another specter appeared. It was tall and gaunt, with hollow bloodshot eyes.
“You don’t look so good,” said The Donald.
“I am the Ghost of Elections Yet to Come, and this last one drained me a bit,” said the Spirit.
“It stunned me also,” said The Donald. “I ran for a joke, to have some fun and rant, and it never dawned on me that I could actually win.”
“Voters are strange creatures, who will often vote against their own best interest,” said the Spirit.
“But I have succeeded and set a precedent for future generations,” said The Donald. “I’ve proven that it is true anyone can grow up to be president if you can fool enough people enough of the time.”
“I’m afraid the Ghost of Elections Past will have a lot of explaining to do in four years,” said the Spirit. “The decisions you make affect many, including yourself.”
“How?” cried The Donald. “I’m rich.”
“I see chaos,” said the Spirit. “Your international investments ruined by a mindless runaway banking system leaves you broke, living in a trailer in Michigan without health care. Bungling foreign policy results in stupid wars for no purpose, while leaders throughout the world play the newest craze in games, Pin the Tail on The Donald. Melania will be working in a beauty parlor and your children will be stealing doors from Trump Tower to use for firewood. The Flat Earth Society is granted non-profit status and hundreds of members of the Electoral College are found at the bottom of the Grand Canyon waiting for the spaceship to take them to the third star in Orion’s belt.”
“Then I’ll change,” said The Donald, working to produce a fake tear on his cheek. “I won’t be the man I was, whatever man people thought that was, I’ll do better and be a beacon for the future.”
“Let us hope so,” said the specter as it dissolved into mist.
About that time, an aide walked in and reminded The Donald he was late for his lunch with Putin.
“Suddenly I don’t feel like I can afford it,” said The Donald.
“Don’t worry,” said the aide. “He’s buying.”