The Great Wall of Canada

Trump Tower, USA – In what insiders call a “tweak” to his campaign pledge to build a border wall to keep Mexicans from sneaking into America, president elect Donald Trump plans to move the wall to the Canadian border – to keep terrified Americans from getting out.

“It’s a testament to the power of his presidency,” said a Trump source. “He believes so strongly in our Democracy he wants to build a wall to keep it intact because, after all, isn’t Democracy government by the people?

“So, if everybody is running like hell, there goes the f-in Democracy, right?”

Great Wall of North America
The great wall on Canadian border will span 5,525 miles (the Mexican border only 3,201 – not so great).

Trump’s decision was partially driven by a recent internal poll that found there’s no longer a need to build the southern border wall because “not even Mexicans want to come to America anymore,” said a Trump Tower source.

“Eighty-seven percent of Mexicans said they would rather live in East Germany before they tore down the wall,” said the source. “The other 13 percent preferred Albania.”

There’s also anecdotal evidence that 47,314,229 million Americans are stockpiling food, fuel, water and yoga pants and planning to load up rented U-hauls to make a run for the Canadian border before the Jan. 20 inauguration.

“After the election, when Republicans repeal Obamacare, we figure traffic through Canadian check points will back up to Tennessee,” said a Trump source. “And, no matter how bad it gets, nobody wants to be stuck in Tennessee.”

The size of the American exodus is hard to measure, said Vladimir Vilichmyitch, head of the Department of Pogrom Dynamics at the University of Minsk.

“Our satellite photos show massive migrations to your northern border. What’s not clear is whether it’s moose or liberals.”

The logistics of the plan are still being worked out, said a Trump transition team source.

“The wall may have to be even higher on the Canadian border to keep Americans in because a lot of these are millennial rock-climber types who are just now figuring out they were idiots for voting for Jill Stein.”

Trump plans to fund the wall with the money he saves by abolishing the Environmental Protection Agency, and build it with the labor of thousands of older white male rust-belters who voted for him because he promised to bring back jobs.

“With those guys on the build site, it may take a while,” said a source.

Trump insiders said there were early indications Trump was changing his mind about building the wall on the Southern border based on a tweet he sent shortly after being elected.

“I’m hearing billions are leaving,” he tweeted.  “Billions! Sad. Move the wall!”


Images: The Great Wall of Canada via (thanks and apologies for adding the Donald on your wall); the Map of Great Wall of North America via TBWG (visual wall creation by – both inspired by a great blog over at
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.

  1. Great posting, Jeffry. You’re giving Borowitz a run.

  2. Eileen Dight

    Thank you, Jeffry. My laugh muscles needed that break. To see where he’s going just think like a businessman. Trump creates gaps in the market: a contract to rival China’s Great Wall (‘Trump Towers’ also feeds his ego: it will be visible from space). He’ll buy shares in concrete, subcontract the wall and fail to pay his contractors while tax payers foot the bill. Wall space used for advertising. At the gaps in the wall: franchises for hot dogs, tequila and sun cream. Trump Tours will bus unhappy Americans to Mexico and undocumented Mexicans will take their (extortionately expensive) seats on the return journey. He’ll put them in private prisons, take a kick back from the governors and set them to work picking fruit. The buses returning from Canada (without passengers) will carry prescription drugs to sell at America’s higher prices. Whatever is profitable for Trump is what we’ll get. No crystal ball necessary.

  3. Trevor Stone Irvin

    But are the Canadians gonna pay for it??? It’s beginning to feel a bit like Game of Thrones … winter is coming.

  4. Richard Eisel

    Outstanding! Funniest–and when you stop to think about it, saddest–satire in a while. Thanks, Jeffry!

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