southern views

As if I needed any further proof that I spend too much time on the Internet, I ran across an alarming article that describes a new fad – anus bleaching – which is popular among some rich, vain, mostly Hollywood women. And, no doubt, probably more than a few men.

(I won’t say what I was looking for when I found this outlandish website. That information is on a need-to-know basis.)

As incredible as this may sound, it seems that some spoiled, egocentric females are having their anuses bleached to match the paler tones of their pampered skin.

Geordie Shore’s video on bum bleaching
From series 6 of Geordie Shore – watch on Vimeo, (caution on the language)

You read that correctly. Despite pitiful third-world children still starving by the millions, some vain American ladies pay thousands of dollars to their analogist – or whatever they call themselves — to apply strong chemicals to said woman’s nether regions to lighten the dark skin around her rectolium.

Now, I’ve heard of women who were embarrassed by dark circles under their eyes. But what sort of prima donna narcissist is worried about her dark doody exit? And how did she even know it was darker than the rest of her body?

(I’ve known some vain people who would sneak glimpses of themselves in the mirror or a store front window, but this is ridiculous.)

While I don’t recall the exact verse in the Book of Revelations that says women bleaching their rectums is a sign of the Apocalypse, I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. If it’s not, it oughta be.

And if past experience is any indication, this pale anus fad will soon spread across the nation, hot on the heels of fake boobs, tattoos and metal studs through the tongue and other sensitive areas.

Women who spend a fortune on tanning beds or spray-on tans, will start spending even more money to have their anuses lightened. Just the modern version of “keeping up with the Joneses” – if that fabled family of upward mobility standard bearers now have fetching assholes.

Women in Frogeye, Alabama, and Box Springs, Georgia, will soon be horrified to learn that their bunghole is not up to date. No doubt, there will soon be a cell phone app that will determine if a female poop-chute needs a lighter shade.

A popular gift for females next Christmas could very well be a gift certificate for an butt hole lightening.

Sigmund Freud, referring to the years he spent studying the female psyche, famously asked this rhetorical question: What do women really want?
Well, Siggy – evidently many of them want a tan skin and a pale asshole.

But, all this rectal redecorating leaves me with a question: If a dissatisfied, self-loathing person has that bleaching process done to her anus and her life still doesn’t improve, is still not perfect despite her having a ravishing rectum, what the hell would she have done next?

There is not much left to be tampered with after rehabbing your rectum.

However, any female considering having their rectum bleached, should be aware that guys don’t care if that area of their body is not color coordinated. Their main concern is that it be accessible. Contrasting skin tones don’t matter. In fact, some might find that a turn-on.

Romeo: “Hark – what light is that in yonder window do I see?”

Romeo’s Friend: ”Hey pinhead – it’s just Juliette naked and bending over.”

Embracing my propensity to ride off in every direction, I also ran across another startling bit of information online. I learned, to my great surprise, that “Tonto” is Spanish for stupid or fool. Look it up if you don’t believe it. I did.
All those years the Lone Ranger was insulting Tonto every time he called his name. Who knew?

I’m sure the Cisco Kid knew and that devious Caballero never said a word. Probably didn’t want to call attention to the fact that he was here illegally and didn’t want to risk landing on Donald Trump’s shit list. Everybody is always out for himself.

Now if we only knew what Kemo Sabe, Tonto’s name for the Lone Ranger, really means. It could mean You Honky Bastard. Who would know?

The Lone Ranger: “Hey half-wit fool.”

Tonto: “What want, Honky Bastard.”

I wonder if Tonto’s anus was red? The Lone Ranger probably knew. I imagine it got mighty lonely out on the prairie at times.

After all, “Brokeback Mountain” was about two ostensibly macho cowboys camping out, and things getting out of hand – big time!

Macho is not a chronic, unchanging condition. Macho can be situational. Stuff happens.