satire on the campaign trail

Ted Names Carly is a composite image created for from images by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license

Texas Senator Ted Cruz bucked all political convention Wednesday by naming Carly Fiorina as his running mate instead of one of the five women he’s run around with on the extramarital sex circuit, according to rumors reported in The National Enquirer.

“You figure they had leg up on Fiorina,” quipped one Cruz source. “Turns out maybe Ted isn’t as big a leg man as everybody thought.”

Indeed, according to another source close to Cruz, the conservative evangelical Christian senator chose Fiorina to quash rumors of his extramarital sexual escapades by “picking a woman nobody in America could imagine even Ted Cruz would have sex with.

“Her abominableness gives credence to his denials.”

Political analysts called the Fiorina selection an act of desperation after Trump trounced Cruz in five primary states Tuesday and is threatening to win enough delegates to lock up the Republican nomination before the convention in July.

“He wants to change the narrative, from being the ugly, obnoxious and disgustingly duplicitous and morally repugnant jackass to the cool and enviable guy who already has his date lined up for the Big Prom,” said GOP analyst Fred Chalmers. “Which works, until you get a look at her.”

Trump, who has harshly criticized Fiorina for her physical appearance, tweeted: “Glad to see Lyin’ Ted’s VP is a woman with a face that could make a train take a dirt road. Because that’s where his campaign has been since Iowa.”

Democratic analysts praised the Cruz move.

“It will force Trump to heap all his misogyny on Carly instead of Hillary,” said Robert Alderman, a Democratic pollster. “Bada bing, bada bing!”

None of the five women rumored to have had sex with Cruz would comment unless a reporter agreed to pay their going rate of $375 an hour to “escort” them through the facts.

Unfortunately, that’s against the editorial policy of LikeTheDew.

Ted Names Carly is a composite image created for from two images (Ted/Carly) by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.