Several shootings lately. Today it’s in Virginia at a Richmond Greyhound Bus Terminal.
Fortunately, no need to panic. As quick as you can scream “Active shooter, shelter in place!” the news stations pounced, emphatically stating “this is not terrorism!”
Whew, for a minute I thought this was something serious.
The local news and CBS categorically stated “There is no link to terrorism that we know of. We don’t think the shooter is a terrorist, a jihadist, or has links to any extremist Islamic falafel restaurant. The good news is, we don’t think there is an iPhone involved. He’s just an everyday, disgruntled asshat, with a weapon, that he is using in a very alarming way.”
Well, color me very relieved. I’ll just belly-crawl up to the ticketing counter and continue booking my passage to someplace where I won’t receive a new 9 millimeter orifice.
When the swarm of local journalists realized that there were no burkas involved, thus nothing to fear, they nonchalantly waltzed into the bus station and started interviewing people while the shooting continued. Jimmy Whazzhappnin, a passenger waiting to depart, sat calmly while bullets whizzed and clinked all-around. Unperturbed, he said “Naw, nuthin’ to see here. This here is an “everyday” shooting, not some dangerous, explodin’ Jihadist shit. So I’m not too concerned, a good guy with a gun will show up pretty soon and put an end to this – though I wish he’d hurry.”
A female reporter from the radio station W-DUC, who was wearing a snappy little flak jacket number with a Peter Pan collar, said “my first response was this was a dangerous terrorist situation. But upon investigation it turned out to be an everyday, non-extremist shooting. I don’t know why they sent me to cover this.
Several witnesses were not convinced. Alice Runnforit, from Eufala Florida, stated “I’m confused, what’s the difference if you’re shot by an Islamist extremist, Dick Cheney or a local, shit-fer-brains asshole? To me the outcome looks pretty much the same and they’re all friggin’ terrifying.”
Reality check: A State trooper, Chad Dermyer was killed during this non-terrorist event. Two civilians were wounded. Chad Dermyer, just 37 years old, leaves a wife and two kids behind because we’ve armed every gun loving jackass we possibly can. We’ve embraced the purely American fantasy that every Joe Shmoe who likes to strap on his Glock while shopping for arugula makes us safer. Now we’re ramping up to arm college students, what could possibly go wrong? Dermyer and other troopers were at the bus station to train for what is called a counterterrorism and criminal interdiction unit and still there was still loss of life. But you and your Rambo fantasy think you can do better. Of course all the statistics defy that childish logic … but Americans don’t care. They won’t take this death seriously. They will obscenely “pray” for the victims, spout some horseshit NRA catch phase, and tune into the next non-terrorist event.
Unlike the idiot news services that insist this isn’t terrorism, it sure looks like it to me. Brainless, self-inflicted terrorism.
Back to you America, where it seems the good guys with guns, once again, were someplace else, delusionally contemplating their fabulous John Wayne-like genitals when shit hit the fan.