satire on the trail

Left to right: Rick Perry, Charles Manson and Ted Cruz

Convicted psychotic mass murderer Charles Manson announced Monday he is throwing his support behind Texas Senator Ted Cruz, which came as a shock to GOP analysts who had long expected Manson to back Trump.

“I believe he’ll bring order to this race and this country that, frankly, has been a little helter-skelter during the Obama administration,” said Manson from Corcoran State Prison in California, where he is serving a life sentence for the infamous Tate-Labianca murders in the summer of 1969.

The announcement came only hours after former Texas governor Rick Perry announced his endorsement of Cruz.

“I’ve always liked Rick, trusted his judgement, and felt like we were kind of kindred spirits,” said the insane mass murderer of Perry, with whom Manson has very little in common, said GOP officials, except they’ve both been indicted.

It’s not clear if other members of the Manson Family support Cruz or Trump.

Through a spokesman, Squeaky Fromme said she is “torn between the two GOP front-runners.” Last week, former Alaska governor and 2012 Republican vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, endorsed Trump.

“It would be hard to top that Palin speech if I decided to back the billionaire,” said Fromme, who was convicted of attempting to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.

“She nailed it.”

GOP analyst Charles Clanton said the endorsements may persuade some of the militia-type outlaw terrorist fringe of the Republican Party, such as the Bundy boys – who have seized Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon, at gunpoint — to support Cruz.

“But it’s a pipe dream to think that’s enough to swing Iowa in Cruz’s favor because, sadly, there are only a few thousand of those gun nut psychos in the Republican Party and it is not in their nature to participate in caucuses,” said Clanton.

“They’re kind of a hole up and barricade and eat snack food loner loser crowd.”

Analysts expect other endorsements this week as candidates jockey for any edge in the Feb. 1 Iowa caucuses.

Conservative media star Glenn Beck announced he is also backing Cruz. Former Flint Michigan lead-poison-in-your-water-decider mayor, Dayne Walling, is throwing his weight behind Chris Christie.

Un-convicted Trayvon Martin killer, George Zimmerman, announced Monday he is backing Carly Fiorina.

“She’s a straight shooter!” he Tweeted.

Image: Left to right: Rick Perry, Charles Manson and Ted Cruz - a composite image created by from  fair use sources, except that Manson is SNL’s Taran Killam.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.