on the campaign trail

Ted "Inigo Montoya" Cruz

Iowa City, Iowa — Fresh off a bruising debate with Donald Trump, Texas Senator Ted Cruz said he is left with no choice but to carpet bomb Iowa.

“That state is as threatening as ISIS because it could destroy America by not allowing me to be elected president,” said Cruz during a campaign stop with his two young daughters who were working the crowd asking for donations and posing for pictures with complete strangers who gave them candy.

“When I’m done, these Iowa voters will wish to God they had never even heard the idolater names of Trump, Rubio, and What’shisface,” said Cruz.

It’s not clear who Whatshisface is, and Cruz refused to say. But GOP consultant Ralph Davidson said “it’s obviously not Jeb Bush, because he’s ‘Whogivesadamn.’”

Other GOP consultants said Cruz’s carpet bomb strategy could be risky because it will take out thousands of innocent people.

“You’ve got somebody who is a big supporter of Rand Paul and suddenly they’re blasted into oblivion?” said GOP strategist Ned Cochran. “That’s not what America is about. We don’t do that to people. We’re selective about who we obliterate.”

As the campaign heads for Iowa caucuses, Feb. 1, other candidates are revealing strategies to get out the vote, assuming all the voters haven’t been preemptively incinerated or vaporized by Cruz’s vow to carpet-bomb the state “until the corn glows.”

Mike Huckabee is going door to door to drum up votes and selling cleaning products to raise money. His big seller, said a spokesman, is a toilet bowl cleaner guaranteed not to cause rump rashes, unlike harsher chemicals, such as Clorox.

Rand Paul has been working shopping malls and washing cars. Dr. Ben Carson is going door to door and offering free brain surgery to anybody who will vote for him.

Unfortunately, polls show the only people who would vote for Dr. Carson are brain damaged, so that strategy to perform surgery to restore human intelligence could backfire.

“Hell, they could vote for Bernie Sanders,” said GOP analyst Earl Bussington

Carly Fiorina said she planned to lay off anybody who doesn’t vote for her. Chris Christie said he would eat all the food in the state and leave everybody starving if he doesn’t win, which people who have followed Christie in buffet lines said is entirely possible.

Donald Trump has offered anybody who votes for him preferred non-voting stock in the next casino he builds in Atlantic City and then file for bankruptcy so the campaign won’t end up costing him a cent. Rich Santorum is going door to door with an offering plate and performing communions — for $5 a pop.

Marco Rubio’s plan is to go door to door boring voters into submission with yet another story about how poor his parents were, then putting all the expenses on a GOP credit card and explaining it all away later with great charisma and rhetorically brilliant bullsh-t.


Image: Ted "Inigo Montoya" Cruz by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.