Standoff continues. Patridiots not budging, holding firm on demands of more clean underwear and Febreze. Feds yet to show up or give a damn.
No shots were fired again today to the deep disappointment of the Yee-hadists within the Patridiot’s compound. “We are at serious risk of not being taken seriously” one Patridiot exclaimed. “Christ, they may think we’re some sort of hippie, peace-nik group if there ain’t a little blood shed soon” another one complained.
“Now I know how Davy Crockett must have felt before any of the Mexicans showed up at the Alamo.” claimed Burfurd T. Mudflap.
The strain of nothing happening was obviously taking a toll. The guards watching the perimeter have spent tension filled days napping and playing Chutes and Ladders. The group’s leader, Alamo Bundy, was pretty sure that nothing will happen again tomorrow. Bundy stated that they are going to meet with the locals soon “to see of any of them are willing to attack us … We’ll give them the first shot and we could even pay them to make it worth their while.”
When this reporter asked a local enforcement officer, who was eating lunch at Denny’s, “Sir, what will your next move be?” The officer grimaced, plucked at his teeth with a toothpick, and responded “whall, I might go catch a movie, or get some groceries, I’m a tad low on milk.” When I pressured him about the non-deadly standoff he said “Oh that … They’re fine, I think some of the locals put together some care packages so they wouldn’t starve, not the brightest bunch you know.”
Back at the Patridiot headquarters it was a hubbub of no activity. Everyone was on pins and needles, and by that I mean there was a lot of sewing and cross-stitching going on. A grizzled bear of a man, identified only by the name of “Sweet Pea” proudly showed us the embroidered pillow he just finished with the phrase “Live Free or Cry.”
This is your reporter signing off at Malheur National Wildlife Refuge covering the largest, dullest, non-deadly, non-event in U.S. history.