satire on the campaign trail

GOP candidates led by Trump vs Cruz's birth certificate

Stepping up his birther attacks on Ted Cruz, Donald Trump is demanding proof of the Texas Senator and GOP presidential candidate’s DNA and has hired “to prove, once and for all, he is one of us.”

“I look at the guy and I think a face like that can’t possibly be a real American,” Trump said in a Thursday press conference. “And he doesn’t look Canadian either, which is where he was born, and his father was a Cuban?

“I mean, this guy’s family tree is monkey bars!”

Trump operatives have been following Cruz around Iowa where he’s campaigning hoping to obtain hair samples and flakes of skin from the Texas Senator who is known to shed in public.

“Lots of, huge vacuuming going on, we’re going to make follicle collection great again!” said Trump, laughing.

Trump said, even if Cruz is a “natural born citizen” because his mother was a U.S. Citizen, and he therefore is eligible to be president, there are still questions about how Cruz’s mother, after giving birth to him in Canada, entered the U.S.

“Did she sneak across the border? I’m just saying I’d love to see this straightened out. I’d hate to have it hang like a cloud over the Iowa caucuses next month.”

Trump’s campaign released satellite footage of what appears to be a mother and small child crossing the nation’s northern border, and bypassing security checks.

“It’s hard to say from outer space, but that could be Mrs. Cruz and that little bundle could be your GOP presidential wannabe who wasn’t even born in this country and apparently entered it illegally because there’s no wall,” said Trump.

The political fact-checking site, Politifact, later said the video was actually shot in Minnesota and it was of a woman carrying a duck home for dinner, which is a tradition in that state.

Trump said he’s not ready to demand that Cruz release his long-form birth certificate, as he did when he questioned whether Barack Obama was born in the U.S.

“That’s a lot of paper work and he’s busy on the campaign trail along with his children, who he has going door to door in Iowa begging for donations. You know how people have a hard time saying no to young children.”

Genealogical experts said it’s not clear what Cruz’s DNA results might produce.

“It could be a pastiche of ambiguity,” said University of Arizona researcher Will Bedwood. “Or it could be he’s got one of those crazy Bundys hiding in the wood pile.

“Wouldn’t that be a hoot?”

GOP analysts said Trump’s ploy could backfire if Cruz demands Trump’s DNA.

“I’m not going to make a hair joke, and I’m not going to talk about any other members of the animal kingdom, if that’s what you’re getting at,” said Steven Alford, a political consultant with America Now, America Tomorrow, America Forever.

“Can you please keep this campaign coverage on the high road?”

Alford then coughed, repeatedly.

Reporters in the room said it sounded like: “Ba-Boon, Ba-Boon. Ba-Boon.

Image: GOP candidates led by Trump vs Cruz's birth certificate is a composite image created for from two illustrations (GOP Lineup & Impassioned Supporters) by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.