KRAZYVILLE, Ore. Community leaders were sent in today to help the Yee-hawdists who have taken over bird watchin’ from the commie, big-gubment liberals at a Federal reserve in Oregon.
The local sheriff David Ward stated “we had to send someone in with a scissors to help because the I.Q.s are so low they would have died trying unsuccessfully to open the snacks we sent in.” A reporter for the Oregon Sentinel interviewed one of the Tali-banjo who said they couldn’t seem to figure out how to open the Zip-Lock bags containing the S’mores. Frustrated, he told the reporter “you kin see the food but you can’t git at it!” He called it another big gubment plot to starve them out. The reporter refused to reveal his source because, and I quote, “the source couldn’t remember his name.” Residents are hoping that the wives of Yokel Harem will be flown in, to show them how to turn on the oven, bring a change of underwear and help them through this siege.
At today’s press conference the sheriff, hoping to avoid any violence, said “We left a trail of Reese’s Pieces leading to their cars in hopes they will be able to find their way out – we’re doing everything we can for this bunch of morons. I just hope one of them saw the movie E.T.”
When asked how long they would be there, so it could be determined how many more S’more’s they would need, a Vanilla ISIS member stated “I dunno, we wuz expectin’ an armed standoff, but nobody bothered to show up. We’re doin’ lots of bird watchin’ and I hope to get a clean shoot at a Blue jay soon. We need to get some wild, free range, Blue jay meat into our survival-diet of Coca Cola and Stouffer’s lasagna soon. You city folk wouldn’t unnerstand – – this livin’ off the land and government subsidies is much harder than it looks.” The reporter agreed, “nobody understands.”
Shawna Cox, a supporter of the “Al Bundy Movement” stated in an interview “I’m just a mom, a grandma,” she said. “American. I bleed red.” She looked a bit confused when told that all Americans bleed red, and in fact all humans everywhere, including communists, bleed red. “Startled, she asked “everyone bleeds red? Even Mooslums and Obama?” She eventually wandered off muttering “That can’t be … I may have to re-think everything.”
Stay tuned, same Bat time, same Bat channel.