gift that keeps on taking

republican-elephant-ornamentMerry Christmas and a happy GOP!

Has there ever a better time than now to celebrate America’s God and the birth of America’s savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord?

Has there ever been a better time than now to support the Republican Party, the one that believes in America’s God?

Has there ever been a better time than now to cash in on the biggest savings on The Savior you have ever seen!!


Where else are you going to find a Signed, Rand Paul, Curly Head, Deep Pile, Bathroom Throw Rug — for only $29.95? Or a Where’s Bobby Jindal? Coloring Book — for only $18.95?

Nowhere in the secular world of mall shopping. That’s where!

Call (800-DAH-LORD) right now! Or hop online (! Operators are standing by! Order in the next 24 hours and take an additional 20% off on these already outrageous deals — while supplies last!

Jesus saves! And so will you!

Home Security Gatling Gun: You never know when a Muslim might come knocking. This baby, a virtual museum-piece replica of the famous hand-cranked 1800s machine gun, is a conversation starter – and a dispute ender! It’s also a great work out, building up biceps, forearms and abs! And a whole lot more fun than a treadmill! Comes with 7,000 rounds of ammo and an Owners Manuel that will help you spot trouble when it moves in across the street! Reg. $13,999, reduced to $8,500!

Rick Perry Smart Glasses: Ok, Perry dropped out of the race – about two million years ago. Now, how smart was that? Since his money was running out and he had like negative 3 percent in the polls, pretty darn smart! And these rectangular, black-framed glasses will make you look just as smart! Perfect for job interviews, first-meetings, or defending yourself in court after indictment. Also great for not running into walls, and reading and stuff. Reg. $409.99, reduced to $37.50!

John Boehner Balm: We all know this guy’s story: He was in an impossible spot, caught in the crossfire between a failed Obama presidency and an extremist right wing of his own party that, although ideologically pure and correct, made for a lot of figurative lead flying and, in the end, John ate a few rounds. Can you blame him for quitting? Not really. But, still, what was the deal with his “tan”? Is it too much sun? An overdose of bronzer? Or the opposite of whatever that disease was Michael Jackson claimed he had? Doesn’t matter. Even in retirement John needs soothing. And this stuff will do the trick — ease the pain, calm the soul, and remove all visible signs of strain and duress with daily application every morning — for seventeen years. $19.95 12 oz. tube.

Mike Huckabee Big Boy Breathable Barbecue Overalls: Coming back from a barbecue never felt so good with these breathable, expandable, stain-resistant overalls that don’t pinch, bind, or remind you that you’ve packed on some pounds since the last election. Great for lounging around the house. Easy in and out wardrobe changes if you suddenly have to be somewhere in a hurry, like Kentucky, to comfort a woman who is just trying to stand up for religious freedom in America and is accused of “homophobia” and you’re like “whaaaaaaat?” $99.99

Scott Walker Steel-Toed, Right -to -Work Boots: It’s hard to believe this union-busting, recall-whupping Wisconsin Governor is not going to be the next president of the United States as all the guys on Fox News had promised. And, you can say what you want about him. He screwed up in the first couple of debates! He made some really stupid comments on the campaign trail! But you cannot blame his footwear. These boots, which he inspired by kicking union tail and taking names, are great for work, great for play, or great for just taking a hike the way Scott did! Reg. $219.95, reduced to: $14.95. While supplies last. (Made in China).

Lost in the GOP Polls Candidate Locator GPS: Where’d George Pataki go, and how about Rick Santorum, or is it Mick Santorum? With this Lost in the GOP Polls Candidate Locator GPS you can find your favorite long-shot candidates wherever they are on the campaign trail being ignored by all major press outlets and any campaign contributor with more than two bucks in his pocket. $79.95

Sarah Palin’s Grizzly Mom Camo Lingerie: Ultimately, the point of lingerie is a disappearing act. And this collection, inspired by the former vice presidential candidate, and darling of the GOP, Sarah Palin, is one step ahead of the nightie-and-negligee pack with an assortment of camo print undergarments so sneaky and discreet your husband won’t even be sure he saw them in first place! Now, how is that for putting the romance back in the marriage, grizzly mom? Nightie, Negligee, all sizes: $79.95. Undies, assortment of styles: $19.95. Garments come in two choices of camo print: Desert Storm, Navy Seal Night Moves.

The GOP Children’s Readers Collection: Who isn’t tired of showing up and screaming at school board meetings about Big Government Mandated school standards? It’s exhausting – and, quite frankly, futile! Instead, why not inoculate your children against Obama’s Socialist agenda by reading them bedtime stories? Here’s a starter set of three classics, with a modern twist! “Winnie the GOP.” “Jack and the Obamacare,” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Running Up a Huge Federal Deficit.” $119.00

Donald Trump’s Border Guard Apprentice Game: Trump, famous for his reality TV show where he fired people on the spot for screwing up, screens border guard applicants in this interactive game where you role-play as a wannabe Immigration and Naturalization Service agent whose job is to patrol the nation’s southern border while Trump dogs your every step. “Did you see that!? I saw movement! Did you see movement, you loser! That bush! Shrubs don’t have legs you idiot! Don’t they teach you that in boot camp! Shrubs! Don’t! Have! Legs!!! Memorize it! You idiot! You’re fired!” Hours of family fun! $399.00

Dick Cheney Reads Your Favorite Bible Passages DVD: There’s nothing quite like Dick Cheney reading the Bible, is there? Last year, who can forget his evocation of Psalm 23:4 — “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil” – in the “Cheney Reads the Old Testament” boxed set? This year he’s back, reading from the New Testament, the entire book of Revelation! Brace yourself for Revelation 9:2: “And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.” Already we’re peeing in our pants! Four DVDS, with commentary by Glenn Beck. $399.00

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.