gift that keeps on taking

republican-elephant-ornamentMerry Christmas and a happy GOP!

Has there ever a better time than now to celebrate America’s God and the birth of America’s savior, Jesus Christ, our Lord?

Has there ever been a better time than now to support the Republican Party, the one that believes in America’s God?

Has there ever been a better time than now to cash in on the biggest savings on The Savior you have ever seen!!

OMG!

Where else are you going to find a Signed, Rand Paul, Curly Head, Deep Pile, Bathroom Throw Rug — for only $29.95? Or a Where’s Bobby Jindal? Coloring Book — for only $18.95?

Nowhere in the secular world of mall shopping. That’s where!

Call (800-DAH-LORD) right now! Or hop online (BuyDahLord.org)! Operators are standing by! Order in the next 24 hours and take an additional 20% off on these already outrageous deals — while supplies last!

Jesus saves! And so will you!

Home Security Gatling Gun: You never know when a Muslim might come knocking. This baby, a virtual museum-piece replica of the famous hand-cranked 1800s machine gun, is a conversation starter – and a dispute ender! It’s also a great work out, building up biceps, forearms and abs! And a whole lot more fun than a treadmill! Comes with 7,000 rounds of ammo and an Owners Manuel that will help you spot trouble when it moves in across the street! Reg. $13,999, reduced to $8,500!

Rick Perry Smart Glasses: Ok, Perry dropped out of the race – about two million years ago. Now, how smart was that? Since his money was running out and he had like negative 3 percent in the polls, pretty darn smart! And these rectangular, black-framed glasses will make you look just as smart! Perfect for job interviews, first-meetings, or defending yourself in court after indictment. Also great for not running into walls, and reading and stuff. Reg. $409.99, reduced to $37.50!

John Boehner Balm: We all know this guy’s story: He was in an impossible spot, caught in the crossfire between a failed Obama presidency and an extremist right wing of his own party that, although ideologically pure and correct, made for a lot of figurative lead flying and, in the end, John ate a few rounds. Can you blame him for quitting? Not really. But, still, what was the deal with his “tan”? Is it too much sun? An overdose of bronzer? Or the opposite of whatever that disease was Michael Jackson claimed he had? Doesn’t matter. Even in retirement John needs soothing. And this stuff will do the trick — ease the pain, calm the soul, and remove all visible signs of strain and duress with daily application every morning — for seventeen years. $19.95 12 oz. tube.

Mike Huckabee Big Boy Breathable Barbecue Overalls: Coming back from a barbecue never felt so good with these breathable, expandable, stain-resistant overalls that don’t pinch, bind, or remind you that you’ve packed on some pounds since the last election. Great for lounging around the house. Easy in and out wardrobe changes if you suddenly have to be somewhere in a hurry, like Kentucky, to comfort a woman who is just trying to stand up for religious freedom in America and is accused of “homophobia” and you’re like “whaaaaaaat?” $99.99

Scott Walker Steel-Toed, Right -to -Work Boots: It’s hard to believe this union-busting, recall-whupping Wisconsin Governor is not going to be the next president of the United States as all the guys on Fox News had promised. And, you can say what you want about him. He screwed up in the first couple of debates! He made some really stupid comments on the campaign trail! But you cannot blame his footwear. These boots, which he inspired by kicking union tail and taking names, are great for work, great for play, or great for just taking a hike the way Scott did! Reg. $219.95, reduced to: $14.95. While supplies last. (Made in China).

Lost in the GOP Polls Candidate Locator GPS: Where’d George Pataki go, and how about Rick Santorum, or is it Mick Santorum? With this Lost in the GOP Polls Candidate Locator GPS you can find your favorite long-shot candidates wherever they are on the campaign trail being ignored by all major press outlets and any campaign contributor with more than two bucks in his pocket. $79.95

Sarah Palin’s Grizzly Mom Camo Lingerie: Ultimately, the point of lingerie is a disappearing act. And this collection, inspired by the former vice presidential candidate, and darling of the GOP, Sarah Palin, is one step ahead of the nightie-and-negligee pack with an assortment of camo print undergarments so sneaky and discreet your husband won’t even be sure he saw them in first place! Now, how is that for putting the romance back in the marriage, grizzly mom? Nightie, Negligee, all sizes: $79.95. Undies, assortment of styles: $19.95. Garments come in two choices of camo print: Desert Storm, Navy Seal Night Moves.

The GOP Children’s Readers Collection: Who isn’t tired of showing up and screaming at school board meetings about Big Government Mandated school standards? It’s exhausting – and, quite frankly, futile! Instead, why not inoculate your children against Obama’s Socialist agenda by reading them bedtime stories? Here’s a starter set of three classics, with a modern twist! “Winnie the GOP.” “Jack and the Obamacare,” and “How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Running Up a Huge Federal Deficit.” $119.00

Donald Trump’s Border Guard Apprentice Game: Trump, famous for his reality TV show where he fired people on the spot for screwing up, screens border guard applicants in this interactive game where you role-play as a wannabe Immigration and Naturalization Service agent whose job is to patrol the nation’s southern border while Trump dogs your every step. “Did you see that!? I saw movement! Did you see movement, you loser! That bush! Shrubs don’t have legs you idiot! Don’t they teach you that in boot camp! Shrubs! Don’t! Have! Legs!!! Memorize it! You idiot! You’re fired!” Hours of family fun! $399.00

Dick Cheney Reads Your Favorite Bible Passages DVD: There’s nothing quite like Dick Cheney reading the Bible, is there? Last year, who can forget his evocation of Psalm 23:4 — “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil” – in the “Cheney Reads the Old Testament” boxed set? This year he’s back, reading from the New Testament, the entire book of Revelation! Brace yourself for Revelation 9:2: “And he opened the bottomless pit; and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace; and the sun and the air were darkened by reason of the smoke of the pit.” Already we’re peeing in our pants! Four DVDS, with commentary by Glenn Beck. $399.00

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Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.

10 Comments
  1. How about a similar piece on the Democrats?

    1. Trevor Stone Irvin

      Earnest, question.

      On several occasions you’ve asked the writer of a piece that has a subtle, or more
      often, an obvious liberal slant, to write an equally subtle or obviously
      slanted piece with an opposite a right-wing slant. Why?

      Where do you find the republicans, right-wingers, religious nutbags, birthers, and libertarian writers
      and pundits who give equal time to ridiculing their own idiocy after trashing the left?

      Do you go to
      right-wing websites and ask the writers to craft pieces expounding the virtues
      of the left or ridiculing their own positions?

      If a writer writes a glowing
      piece about the democrats, do you feel they should be compelled to write a
      glowing piece about the right, or vice-versa?

      Jest wonderin’

      T

      1. Trevor, good question. Actually I am a retired mediator. I have a trained habit of sitting in-between differing parties and have tried to help each side sort out their differences etc.(mediation, not arbitration) Having done this for a number of years, I no longer allow myself to adopt the position of one side or the other upon their immediate presentation of the facts as they know them. I do venture onto the sites of left, right, and elsewhere. Yes, and at various times, I do ask the right wing to consider how the situation appears from the other person’s point of view. It is quite difficult to become aware of how someone else sees something if we mock and poke fun at them, left or right. In a mediation setting, each side has an opportunity to present their understanding of how this conflict came about while the other party agrees to listen silently until the first is satisfied he has concluded. Then the other side has the same opportunity. It is vital to parse the rhetoric, mocking, disdain, anger etc. from the conversation if we are to get close to understanding.
        On the other hand, I understand that satire etc, and just might be taking partisan articles too seriously. But it just so happens that I have an equal number of friends on the left and the right who meet twice a week to talk politics, religion and other bull shit. What we agree on foremost is that insulting the other side does nothing to further our friendships and usually leads to an alienation where some only sit with people they know will agree with. I am not saying that the writers in The Dew “should” be compelled to write anything. As Joe South sang, “walk a mile in my shoes.”

        1. Trevor Stone Irvin

          Unfortunately I think even the tiniest mediation and compromise has long been lost on the right. And they make it very easy to make fun of them, slow moving targets and all that.

          And if somebody walks a mile in your shoes, you’re probably not gonna get your shoes back … just sayin’.
          Regards,
          T

          1. I had high hopes when I read your comment to which I responded honestly, sincerely and candidly. I mean no insult to point out that your broad generalizations about the right are the very types of ad hominem comments which do little more than isolate us from each other.
            Merry Whatever you celebrate.

          2. Trevor Stone Irvin

            Sorry, hopes get dashed everyday … I responded honestly as well. Occasionally broad generalizations are correct.
            Happy whatever you celebrate.
            Regards,
            T

          3. Adding further to the debate, we all should read an article by Kevin Baker in today’s NY Times for an historical look at politics in our country.

            I quote one passage in particular:

            “Our elections are once again fought out in ways that seek to demonize the opposition. Where once unscrupulous demagogues used to try to draw voters to the polls by invoking secret plots by the Masons, or the pope, to take over America, we now find ourselves right back in the demon-haunted world, deluged with conspiracy theories about Shariah law, Planned Parenthood or Benghazi. It’s no longer enough, for instance, to criticize President Obama’s policy on Syria and the Islamic State. Instead, as nearly every Republican candidate asserted in last week’s debate, he doesn’t want America to lead or be strong.

            “Such rhetoric is, for starters, horribly dangerous. It is not far removed from the sort of invective Joe McCarthy used to fling around — or the sort that was flung at Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel, before his assassination in 1995. But it makes one wonder, as well: After such bile, what cooperation?

            “We are divorced — physically as well as psychologically separated from one another — and in this state we can hardly expect to work together. The bottomless cant of the Republican primary field can exist because there is no need to temper it. If nothing changes, this current division is likely to play out in the same way party politics used to, back in the 18th and 19th centuries, with one party simply crushing the other into extinction — or in a protracted, exasperating stalemate. It almost destroyed our nation then, and we cannot afford it now.

            “It may be that what we are witnessing, in the proliferation of all these wildly disparate, anti-establishment uprisings from the likes of the Tea Party, the Occupy and Black Lives Matter movements, Bernie Sanders’s democratic socialist campaign, and even Mr. Trump’s revolting circus, is a revival of that now much-abused word “populism.” Many of these movements are rough-edged; some can be downright ugly. It is difficult to see the reincarnation of the original populism in the New York born-and-bred Mr. Trump, huckster and privileged heir to a real-estate fortune.”

            Political Party Meltdown

            By KEVIN BAKER

            The strategists who wanted greater ideological purity may have gotten more than they bargained for.

  2. Jeffry Scott

    Ernest, I thought about making this catalog bipartisan — but it just doesn’t work, or I couldn’t get it to work. The Republicans open disdain, even contempt, for any religion other than Christian (except for the last presidential election where they were all in for Mormon), is just too ripe for comment and satire.

  3. Seems as though even “a double-digit IQ and proud of it” observer of this country’s political circus would have to recognize and come to grips with the well-known fact that the republicans have chosen their way as the only way and nothing but the way. Nothing is acceptable to them beyond their distorted view that government is best that governs not at all. They have centered their policy of the past nearly 8 years only on saying “NO” to anything Obama has proposed. You would have had to have been living on Uranus not to be aware that the words “compromise” or “negotiate” are such foul sounds to republicans that their mothers would every right to come after them with a bar of soap to scrub out their mouths with a wire brush. All well and good to say the world would be a better place if we all stopped to consider how the s____ smells from the other side of the barnyard before complaining. Trouble is this is not such a world. The republican notion of “governing” rather than just throwing bombs is absent from their design, and the faint and partially erased figure of bi-partisanship can now only be glimpsed behind a central prismatic smear. If you want to dance, you need a partner. As for giving equal play to both sides, why would any sensible person choose to invite a card-carrying member of the Flat Earth Society to a debate about science?

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