Today I’m announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. It’s fitting that I begin my candidacy in the historic setting of my upstairs studio. I am honored to be surrounded by so many supporters and well-wishers, and by that I mean my two cats. (My wife has yet to sign on to my campaign but give her time).
I’m working on a campaign slogan—it’s a toss-up between:
- No Experience Whatsoever
- Did you see the other guy? What a Douche!
- America’s Dude
I’ve concluded that this country can’t survive by running on stupid anymore. Yes, I realize that stupid has worked for us for a long time, but it’s time for change, great change. Putting it mildly I will change your lives for the better whether you like it or not. All that stupid stuff you’ve been doing, that’s out. Like your parents, I’m going yell at you, ground you, and take a lot of shit away from you. Why? Because you don’t listen, know how to make your bed or take care of your toys. If pushed, I will send you to your rooms without dinner. When you are shit-for-brains-stupid I’m going to slap the crap outta you … no, I won’t slap you personally, but I will send a well-paid government bureaucrat to your house to do it. If you are Republican-stupid, I will add insult to injury and send a liberal, democratic socialist bureaucrat to slap you. That alone will be the largest jobs creation bill in history, because a whole lot of you, need a whole lot of dumb shit slapped outta ya.
Clearly, I’ve locked up the Republican, Libertarian and Nut-Bag vote, as I have absolutely no experience in governing what so ever and that simply makes those people orgasmic. I’ll have to work harder for the Democratic vote. My cat (and campaign manager) Mr. Frumpakins tells me Democrats regard experience as a plus, and insist on hearing specifics –picky SOB’s, those Democrats.
No debates. I’m not going to stand on a stage and talk to stupid people; life’s too short for that.
My first act as “El Presidente Mucho Grande” will be to make purchasing matching pajamas for the whole family including pets from that stupid PajamaGram Company illegal. Grown men wallowing about in matching Pj’s is a sign of extreme mental illness, but forcing a dog to wear matching Pj’s is an appalling atrocity and against everything that PETA stands for. It will still be legal to put miniature reindeer horns on kitties as cats are pretty silly lookin’ to begin with.
I will change the Constitution. No, Congress won’t object, because I’m going to fire the whole lot of them. All except Al Franken; he makes me laugh so he can stay.
First change to the Constitution: If you use a cell phone while driving, your automobile will be taken away and given to a homeless person to live in. There will be a lot of happy homeless people living in Mercedes and Acuras under my administration. If I see any of you texting while driving, I will open up a can of whup-ass on you like you’ve never seen before. Don’t even think about tweeting.
The 1st amendment prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion etc., etc., etc. – I’ll let most of this slide for now, except for the Scientologists, who are simply loons.
The 2nd amendment will be changed to read: Nope, you’re not old enough, and you don’t really understand why we have this one.
The 4th amendment prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures – I like this one. Because I probably have some embarrassing shit somewhere that I don’t want “searched and seized.” we’ll keep it.
The 6 th amendment guarantees the right to legal counsel and will be amended to read: All laws and contracts will from this day forward be written in clear, easy-to-understand, English, so legal counsel is not required in order to comprehend a phone bill.
The 8th amendment is tricky – it prohibits excessive fines and bail by defining them as cruel and unusual punishment. But we’re OK with waterboarding? Now that don’t seem right. Remind me, didn’t we hang some Japanese War Criminals for waterboarding our soldiers back in WWII?
The 17th amendment – is gonna change. It currently establishes the direct election of United States senators by popular vote. Well, ya’ll can’t be trusted to elect anyone with a lick of common sense, so senators will now be chosen by me, based on their IQ scores and how fast they can do the 40-yard dash.
The 19th amendment is confusing- It prohibits the denial of the right to vote based on sex. Does this mean I should have sex before voting … or don’t have sex before voting? Can I have sex while voting? This needs to be cleared up.
The military will get a few tweaks. If the military wishes to invade a dangerous place, like Alaska, it will be required to raise the money by having a bake sale. Politicians, military generals and right-wing nut-bags will be drafted first to serve in the front lines, regardless of age. Only if and when they are all dead, will the general public be drafted into service. By eliminating the politicians, military generals and nut-bags first, we may end the need for war all together.
The term “enhanced interrogation” in the army manual will be changed to, “Asking very hard questions in a funny, high-pitched voice.”
I’m going to tax the hell outta your church, synagogue, mosque, temple, tepee or cult. Your mythical god business, which has been causing problems for centuries, will pay its fair share from now on. I’m going to install parking meters along all the pews, so bring lots of quarters. If any member of your cult (do you hear me, Catholics?) lays a hand on any kid I will burn your institution to the ground.
To stave off worries of national security, I will put George W. Bush in charge of vetting every single new immigrant coming into this country. As we are all well aware, George can look into a man’s eyes and search his soul, just as he did Vladimir Putin. So if anyone can spot a “terr-ist,” it is George. What could possibly go wrong?
If you, or any of your family, came over on the Mayflower, you will be classified as illegal immigrant boat people and sent back to England.
I will deport the Koch Sucker brothers.
Chris Christie will be anchored outside the 8-mile limit to greatly expand our off-shore holdings.
I will re-energize the entire educational system by bringing back wood shop and metal shop into all schools. A few missing fingers is a small price to pay in order to once again become the world’s manufacturing behemoth. High schools across the U.S. of A. will proudly produce bazillions of hammered aluminum pencil cups and wooden napkin holders. Proficiency in dodgeball will be required of all grammar school age children. Recess will be mandatory and I will bring back dangerous playground equipment by Congressional decree. That should go a long way in order to butch-up our nation’s sea of jello-assed, video-gaming, ass-hats. (Are you feeling me?)
Being a very famous artist before my run for President, means there will be greater emphasis on “the arts” in schools. Drawing nudes, making clay ashtrays and taking art appreciation will take up a much larger portion of the SAT testing. I’m thinking of eliminating the math portion altogether. So think hard about getting a potter’s wheel and going to a figure class or two.
On the national front: Texass will be physically removed from the United States, as there is nothing to be done about those people. I’ll have Mexican migrant workers dig up, box, and FedEx the entire state back to Mexico. Mississippi will be given a “time out” and made to stand in the corner to think about what it’s done.
I may give the lower half of New York State and all of New Jersey back to Canada to cut costs and reduce traffic congestion.
All airlines will be required to install full-size, relaxed fit, La-Z-Boy recliners in all aircraft. Those micro-bags of peanuts and pretzels – gone. “Edible” meals will be served on any flight longer than 15 minutes in duration. Any pilot who flies into turbulence will lose their pilot’s license. (Full disclosure, flying and turbulence scares the ever-livin’ shit outta me – So Air Force One will now be “driven” down America’s highways rather than “flying” over them).
I’m going to take away all your guns because you don’t understand that a “responsible gun owner” doesn’t strap a 9mm Glock to their hip in order to go grocery shopping for shallots. I may let you have a B. B. gun when you are mature enough not to put your eye out with it.
All drivers over the age of 60 will be re-tested monthly; all drivers under 60 the same. The national speed limit will be reduced to 20 miles per hour. Why? Cuz you’re killing 300+ hundred people a day, that’s why!
If you are a global-warming denier, your forehead will be tattooed with the words, “I’m a fucking idiot” and you’ll be made to work in a solar panel factory for the rest of your life.
I will give free Davey Crock-o-Shit coonskin hats to all Libertarians and force them to enroll in night classes until the day they can pass a 7th grade civics test – though I have little hope any will ever graduate. You can’t do anything with stupid.
On the up side there will be Free Pizza & beer Fridays for everybody, brought to you by the 1 percent who haven’t paid their fair share in decades. Yep, you heard me right, I’m going all democratic socialist on yor ass and redistribute some shit. Donald Trump will personally deliver your pizza to you in 30 minutes or less, driving a Chevy Citation, or he gets no tip.
Home Depot will be required to have an actual employee in every isle at all times during hours of store operation. Any Home Depot employee who can’t immediately locate a 5/8 reverse thread screw or a chrome toilet flange will be stripped of that ugly-ass vest and fired on the spot. Oh, and rude customers who think it’s “OK” to discourteously chew out store employees? You will be administered blunt force trauma with a sack of marbles in the parking lot and issued a coupon for one free concussion evaluation … You got that? Use common courtesy asshole, it’s the law!
Men will not be allowed to wear yoga pants under any circumstances.
I will change the tax code and GE will be made to pay all the taxes it owes, and then some, for being a bunch of douche bags.
I will give myself a raise, and if you complain I will give myself another, bigger, raise.
Jobs, Jobs, Jobs: I will energize the job front by reinstating FDR’s Civil Works Administration. Hundreds of out-of-work blacksmiths and TV repairmen will be retrained to rake leaves. We have a severe “leaf retention problem” across the United States. Every year billions of leaves lose their balance, fall off trees and die, mostly during autumn. Leaf suicide has reached epidemic proportions. At the very least, we need them raked up and I sure as hell don’t want to do it.
On the “Pro Choice” front I will make sure if Barbara Bush ever gets pregnant again, she will be getting an abortion, –maybe two, just to be sure.
Your evening news, which is beyond abysmal, will be replaced with the World Championships of Strip Poker. That should put the ratings where the networks need it. Any politician on Meet the Press who tries to dodge a question will be covered in honey, ushered into a room full of bees and forced to stay there until they answer the question, in full, honestly. Fox News will be re-named “Bullshit for Stupid People” and only allowed to air at 3:30 am in Alaska. No one gives a shit about Alaska, so no harm done.
My administration will be filled by top-notch advisors from all walks of life, meaning mostly childhood buddies whom I smoked cigarettes and a lot of pot with. Yeah, I inhaled like my life depended on it; get over it.
My foreign policy is still evolving … but I can tell you this, I will make Cuba Americas 51st state. Cigars on the beach, anyone?
I will have France give America cooking lessons so we can stop putting that horrible shit we call food into our mouths anymore.
Any hard questions I can’t answer will be fielded by Paul Krugman, who on his worst day knows more about everything, than all of us put together.
Finally Dickless Cheney will be water-boarded, tried and convicted and hung as the war criminal he is.
Now, to those who aren’t fully on board with me: No matter how much you disagree with my policies, methods, or waist size — no matter how inexperienced I am, or how badly I could fuck things up — you have to admit that I’m lightyears better than anyone else running.
So, open those wallets; my Super Pac awaits. Vote early and often; ballots from long dead relatives will be accepted.
A new America awaits you.