in the wake of paris

Dangerous BS Emissions from GOP Candidates Cause EPA Action

President Barack Obama issued an executive order Tuesday requiring the Environmental Protection Agency to crack down on Republican BS emissions that have risen dramatically in recent weeks.

“We are facing a crisis in this country and what we need to get through it is clear thinking and what we need for clear thinking is clean air and what we’ve got it too much BS,” said Obama in a morning press conference.

“I’ve asked the EPA to step in and start fining offenders. At this moment, Donald Trump owes us $7.6 million. Fortunately, he can afford it. The fine is based on pure metric tons of BS per thousand parts oxygen – or something like that.”

The EPA said BS emissions have reached record levels since the ISIS terrorist attacks in Paris, as Republican politicians have blamed the Obama administration for the failures of French intelligence, and sought a political edge in the presidential race.

According to the agency the last time BS (H2SO4BS419) levels were this high was during the Ebola crisis when some Republicans said the blundering of the Obama administration and the CDC were going to bring the disease back here and kill Americans, which never happened.

“That BS was so bad you had to scrape it off your shoe,” said an EPA spokesman.

Other historically high BS levels, according to the EPA, were when President George Bush hoisted the “Mission Accomplished” banner after attacking Iraq; and when Ronald Reagan said back in the 1980s that “trickle-down economics” would help the middle class.

“The stench from trickle-down BS has never completely gone away, frankly, although the EPA has done everything it can with particle precipitators,” said an EPA spokesman.

“But the pieces of Reganomics BS were just simply too huge and our particle precipitators kept gumming up and breaking down. It’s cost the nation trillions of dollars.”

Historically, the highest Democratic BS emission level was when President Bill Clinton claimed he didn’t have sex with Monica Lewinsky.

“That one became known as Code Orange BS,” said an EPA spokesman. “We came very close to issuing an alert advising children, the elderly, and people with respiratory problems to stay indoors.”

According to the EPA, Republicans have always been the nation’s leading producer of BS. They’ve ramped up emissions up since the Syrian-led Paris attacks that killed 129 and injured scores more.

Last week, the Republican-led house passed legislation last week to bar Syrian refugees from the U.S. Leading GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump has called for all Muslims in the U.S. to be registered. And Trump, and others, have proposed closing mosques.

Obama has decried all those measures as hysterical and un-American, and called for calm and increased vigilance against terrorists at a time when many fear the next ISIS attack will be on U.S. soil.

Republicans scoffed at the president’s executive order, saying they would fight it with experts they’ve hired from Volkswagen.

“This is nothing less than an attack on emissions freedom in America,” said Texas Senator, and GOP presidential candidate, Ted Cruz.

Cruz is the single largest producer of BS emissions in the U.S., according to the EPA. His annual BS output exceeds the total produced in an average year by all the cattle passing gas in his home state of Texas.

“You could harness Ted and light Wichita,” said an EPA spokesman.

Scientists said Republican BS emissions also contribute to global warming and climate change. If their BS emissions are not reduced between now and the 2016 presidential election sea levels could rise as much as six feet.

“There goes Rubio and the Miami vote,” said a GOP consultant.

Image: Dangerous BS Emissions from GOP Candidates Cause EPA Action - a composite image created for from the base image of Fox Bus/WSJ GOP Debate lineup (Left to Right: John Kasich, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul and Carly Fiorina) by DonkeyHotey via flickr and used a creative commons license.
Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott

Jeffry Scott is a former staff reporter for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution where, over the course of 24 years, he covered two of the biggest trials in the city's history -- the racketeering trial of former mayor Bill Campbell, and the trial of courthouse shooter, Brian Nichols -- and wrote features on travel, food, politics, movies, TV and advertising, and covered breaking news on the metro desk. He left the paper two years ago and is living, quite happily, in St. Petersburg, Fla., as a freelance writer.