Today something happened that rocked my world. I know what you’re thinking, but no, it wasn’t due to jamming knitting needles in my ears to prevent listening to the sea of stupid rolling from the mouth of Donald Trump. It wasn’t due to the reports of Ben Carson digging his way into another intellectual manure pile by saying all you have to do to stop a mass shooter is to for everyone to agree to rush the shooter all at once. (How much you wanna bet you’ll find Ben at the back of that line of people “rushing the shooter”?) Or even Ben’s bizzaro story about an armed robber who supposedly stuck a gun in his ribs while standing in line at a Popeye’s organization. That crafty Ben needed no sissy gun control laws to defend himself. He deftly deflected all harm away from his person simply by pointing and informing the armed gunman that “who he was really looking for” was the defenseless, pimple faced cashier behind the cash register. In street vernacular Ben said, “That bitch got the Benjamin’s, not me.” Can you say what-an-asshole?
No, we are experiencing a cover-up even more profound than Watergate… Today they told Miss March to cover up and get dressed. Yes folks, Playboy is going nude-less.
I can handle the idiotic rhetoric of that posturing imbecile Huckabee, or Jeb’s massively insensitive response to mass killings as “stuff happens” … I can live with Bernie Sanders looking like my crazy uncle … I don’t care if Hillary did kill Vince Foster with the candlestick in the conservatory. Hell, I expect that kind of stupid from today’s world. But no nude Playmates? That’s just downright mean-spirited.
The final vestiges of all we hold dear to this American way of life was turned on its head today when (I’m weeping softly while telling you this) Playboy decided to cease putting pictures of naked women in its magazine. The sacred, eye-blistering, goddess of the month foldout is no more. The New York Times reported that “Playboy’s owners say the internet has made nudity outdated, and pornographic magazines are no longer so commercially viable.” Did you hear that? Listen to it again – nudity, the most wonderful thing on earth is outdated and no longer viable. If nudity has become passé, please kill me now. Billions of young men, (and a few women) world-wide spend 100 percent of all their energies and waking hours (not to mention most of their sleeping hours) hoping to grow tall enough to get a date, or get married, where the implied social contract leads them to believe (often inaccurately) that they may eventually see, maybe even touch, a live, nude woman. Before that magical, long-awaited day occurred, Playboy was their only salvation. Alas no more.
Adding insult to injury, Playboy states “The photos will have a more Instagram feel to them.” Wow, I instantly lost interest.
Playboy states that nudes will no longer be included, however they will continue to “show women in provocative poses.” That seems to be going backwards. Provocative could mean anything. To a man, any woman, anywhere, in any pose, is provocative. To a guy, the Sears catalog, a real estate flyer and every commercial featuring any woman, of any age, are all insanely provocative. In other words men are absurdly, and irrationally hopeful, that “provocative” will eventually lead to “naked” which frankly was the entire appeal of the Playboy magazine. Think about it, the human male is the only life form on the planet to whom a cheap, vinyl, inflatable woman is not only provocative, but for some, an actual relationship. All I’m saying is downgrading “nude” to “provocative” may not sell the number of magazines they hope to.
Now granted, I’m getting’ old. I haven’t bought a Playboy or any dirty magazine in years … OK, in decades, and apparently nobody buying their magazine may be part of Playboy’s circulation problem. But just knowing I could buy one is what has kept me alive all these years. Once again technology is the culprit. Guttenburg’s technology was the key to Playboy’s success, but Babbage ensured Playboy’s eventual undoing. It just doesn’t help that there is an instantaneous porn delivery device on every desktop and inside of every iPhone, delivering a brand of porn that requires treatment at the burn unit after viewing.
So, what have we lost with this? How about all those great articles and news stories? Without Playboy the truly important news of the day will go unreported – how else will we discover that Jimmy Carter had “committed adultery many times in his heart?” Which by the way DOES NOT COUNT, because Jimmy, adultery requires the participation of an actual woman. If “thinking” about something qualified as the actual act I would have put Hugh Hefner to shame a long time ago.
Did you know that The Library of Congress actually produces a braille version of Playboy? – Yep! Is that not the greatest achievement imaginable? You can “read” the foldout with your hands people. Your freakin’ hands! In my day kids went blind on purpose just to be able to get a subscription to the braille version.
Will Madonna be able to find another medium in which to take off her clothes? What will future Lindsey Lohan’s do when their careers implode? Who will tell us how to dress, what to think and what to drink? What will we do without those wonderful ads? All those pseudo-sophisticates wearing plaid sport jackets, turtle necks, while sipping Cutty Sark and standing knee-deep in a white shag rug?
It’s a new world out there people – we really are reading it just for the articles.
Damn you, Gloria Steinem, damn you.