To fend off the inevitable criticism from Democrats, liberals and the media that the next GOP Speaker of the House is so delusional he or she must be on drugs, the new Speaker will first have to pass a urine test.
“That should settle the matter that they’re not on drugs, even all those guys in the Tea Party Freedom Caucus,” said a GOP insider, who compared the plan to being pulled over by a cop.
“So you’re weaving like crazy, and blowing through red lights, and stop signs and you almost ran over a couple of pedestrians and, sure, one of them was pushing a baby stroller in a crosswalk and screaming in pure terror,” said the insider. “Does that necessarily mean you’ve been drinking? No, not necessarily.”
Exactly that kind of reasoning pervades the GOP’s search for a new Speaker, said sources.
House Majority Leader from California Kevin McCarthy was considered a moderate and the leading contender to replace John Boehner as Speaker, until this week he accidentally revealed the reason Republicans are so obsessed with investigating the 2012 attack on Benghazi that killed four Americans.
It’s all about derailing the presidential campaign of Democrat Hillary Clinton, who was Secretary of State at the time, McCarthy told Fox News host Sean Hannity.
“Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right?” McCarthy said. “But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she is untrustable.”
The blunder has the GOP reassessing the efficacy of its urine sample program. “The thinking now is that we may have to get at least two samples from McCarthy,” said a source. “One for each personality.”
Republican Congressional aides have, in the meantime, been scurrying all over Washington, and the nation, to discreetly collect samples from all 246 Republican members of Congress before the GOP is expected to name Boehner’s successor next week.
“There is a certain amount of trust that it is indeed their own urine that they are providing,” said an insider. “Otherwise, the logistics of chasing all over town and far corners of the country to watch all of them — you know what I’m saying.”
Republican senators are not included in the sample collection. But some expressed concern that subjecting members of Congress to the same screening most Americans face when applying for jobs is an intrusion on their personal rights.
“This is a clear attack on urine freedom,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz, before he realized it was his own party calling for the urine samples, and not a requirement of Obamacare.
“I take that back, I take that back,” he said during a hastily called press conference. “No, not my urine, I never gave them my urine. What I said, ok? What I said. That’s what I take back. Not my urine.”
Congressional aides also expressed relief that they did not have to take back Cruz’s urine.
All Republican members of congress have also been sent job application forms that include a brief multiple-choice quiz on key campaign issues, civics, American history, and the Bill of Rights.
“We’re trying to avoid a Rick Perry oops moment for the next speaker when he’s asked something like what is habeas corpus, and he answers ‘a family of illegal immigrants?” said a source.
“We’re hoping whoever we pick bats at least .300 on the Constitution. Those are Hall of Fame stats.”