satire from the darkside

Walmart funeral page - atlanta braves casetWalmart, swashbuckling privateer of American commerce, is casting its grappling hooks at the lucrative, always in demand, funeral industry. Is anybody surprised?

According to Wily Ebeneezer, Walmart Director of Roughshod Practices, the mercantile behemoth’s version of Area 51 in Rigor Mortis Springs, Arkansas, has developed discount funerals for their thrifty-minded customers. (And ain’t they all?)

“We look at this way,” Ebeneezer explained. “If people will buy the cheapest unsafe tires available to put on their family car, why would they squander the family fortune burying grandma, if they had a choice? It’s this cheapskate consumer we’re after, and we haven’t been disappointed yet.”

However, the nation’s funeral homes are not taking this attack lying down. Bones Klitchkow, Sergeant at Arms for the Brotherhood of Embalmers, is outraged.

“How would you like some minimum-wage doofus embalming your mother?” Klitchkow demanded. “Just because a person is good at ignoring customers in a busy store doesn’t mean he or she can pump chemicals into a corpse. This is an art form. You’re either born with it or you can’t do it.”

Walmart’s Ebeneezer dismisses this criticism. “We’ve worked this down to a science,” he said. “A stiff, er, dearly departed, comes into our receiving dock behind the store, is hosed down, fumigated, and filled with preservatives on the lube rack; dressed with the best stain and wrinkle-resistant polyester garments made by virginal Asian children from the Clothing section; beautified and perfumed at the Cosmetic counter, placed in a economical wooden Cambodian coffin, and then sent though the express checkout on a shopping cart and out the door.”

“Good to go in less than an hour,” Ebenezer chuckled. “And all for less than the cost of a deep-fat turkey fryer, or two all weather truck tires.”

Company officials say the funeral cost will be even lower after Walmart customers are offered the opportunity to sign up for their new discount mortuary service, to be called “Sam’s Adios Club.”

And, if requested, Walmart greeters will start performing a short, tasteful eulogy as the box goes out the door.

“Where will it end with this bunch?” Klitchkow wonders. “Walmart has taken over just about everything now except proctology exams.

“But, yet and still, I’d be real careful about bending over in a Walmart store,” Bones Klitchkow warned. “Prostates are like children – you don’t want just anybody fondling them.”

Image: From an actual Walmart product web page (adjusted by to fit image area) - promotional use.