Okay, what’s in the headlines today?  Well, let’s see.

Jumpin’ Jehosaphats: There is the idiot woman who was asked to leave a McDonalds because she claimed that the kangaroo, (yes, a fuckin’ kangaroo) she had with her, wrapped in a blanket and riding in an infant car seat, was her “service animal.” Like the rest of you I assumed it must be a “Seeing Eye Kangaroo” but that would be incorrect. She explained to the officer that the kangaroo helps her cope with “emotional distress” and showed him a doctor’s note stating she needed a kangaroo. I’m assuming it was a prescription for “Take one kangaroo daily or whenever needed, may cause excitability in others, do not drive or operate heavy equipment while on the kangaroo.”  You know, your usual kangaroo prescription.

Just how does that conversation go in your doctor’s office?

You: “Doc, I’m feeling a little blue.”
Doc: “OK, what’z the matter?”
You: “Well, my emotions are all out of whack.”
Doc: “Really, how so?”
You: “I’m all distressed.”
Doc: “Well, that’s serious.”
You: “Is there anything I can do about it?”
Doc: “Yes.”
You: “What do you suggest?”
Doc: “A kangaroo.”
You: “What the fuck?”
Doc: “If it gets worse, maybe two kangaroos.”
You: “Not an anti-depressant maybe?”
Doc: “Nope, I’m prescribing you a big-ass kangaroo; you’ll be feeling fine in no time.”
You: “I’m gonna need a second opinion.”

I don’t know about you, but aside from a kangaroo bounding all over my goddamed house, having a doctor that prescribes a kangaroo for my mental well-being would greatly increase any emotional distress I may have. At what point in your life do you get up one morning and say … “yeah, I need a fuckin’ kangaroo to make it through the day.”

And baby makes three … oops, four: Scientists in England have discovered how to make a baby using the DNA from 3 people … C’mon England, get with the program, it’s called a “threesome.”

Good As Gold: And then there is Lance … good old, honest Lance Armstrong. Lance hit a couple cars coming home from a party. Now Lance, the sweet, honest guy that he is, wouldn’t lie, cheat, or try to convince his girlfriend to take the fall for him, would he? Why, yes he would. Lyin’ Lance once again took the low road, this time tossing his girlfriend under the bus. According to reports – “Anna Hansen, who had previously told officers she was at the wheel, finally admitted to investigators that Armstrong was in fact the driver — and they had both agreed she should take the blame.” Both agreed? Really? How kind of you, Lance, to agree that someone else should take the blame for your fuckup. Where have we heard this story before? Lance is pretty much a disgrace anywhere wheels are involved.

Texass drives headlong into bassackwards again: Texass leads the nation in wrong-way crashes. While number of wrong-way crashes is falling in most other parts of the country, NBC Dallas-Fort Worth Investigations have learned that there have been almost 3,500 wrong-way crashes in Texass in just four years. When interviewed about the problem, Rick Perry, who was obviously very proud of his “Educashun Optional” state, was heard to exclaim “Hell yeah, we’re number one agin!”

Fly Hier Hilton: The classy Hiltons are in the news again. The Hiltons, not content with Paris displaying her breeding technique to millions online, now proudly points out that Conrad Hughes Hilton III, her whiney little brother, can carry on the vaunted tradition of self-centered, millionaire brats thinking they are way-fuckin-better than everyone else. Conrad, who faces charges of interfering with flight crew members, has turned himself in six months after he allegedly threatened to kill crew members and the co-pilot of a British Airways flight. Now, you or I won’t get six months to turn ourselves in for this kind of behavior; we will be immediately arrested and placed under the jail, never to be heard from again. Only the sissy, effeminate class gets this kind of special legal treatment. Though in all fairness, it could be due because it was  obvious that his threat was not one he was capable of carrying out. For if you take a look at “Hissy Fit Hilton,” you’ll quickly realize that he couldn’t mash a hamster, let alone whup someone’s ass. And killing someone with his small, girlish hands is downright laughable.

At one point, Hilton charged that flight crew members were “taking the peasants’ side” and warned that he would “fucking own anyone on this flight; they are fucking peasants.” According to the FBI, Hilton boasted: “My father (that would be multimillionaire, L.A. real estate mogul, and all-round terrific parent, Rick Hilton) will pay this out, he has done it before. Dad paid $300,000 last time.” It was not noted just what level of stupid it was that Rick Hilton had “paid out” the last time, though it’s a good guess that it was a doozy. For $300,000 I suggest that Rick may want to buy a new son instead of paying for the same old stupid one.

We’re all hoping that the Hilton family will never procreate again, and that sometime soon, Conrad will grow up, and dial 1-800-Grow-A-Pair.

Is there a vaccination for stupid? Rand Paul jumped knee-deep into stupid by claiming that “vaccines can lead to mental disorders.” Which I can only guess is an attempt to blame his own mental disorders on his childhood polio vaccination rather than admit he is simply an idiot. Now being an eye doctor you would think Rand Paul could actually read the tons of medical information disputing this brand of stupidity, but that’s Rand s problem in a nutshell: his world is all about believing what he wants to believe. The fact that it just ain’t so really doesn’t concern him. The “vaccines cause mental illness” idea is disputed by virtually all of the medical profession, the scientific community as a whole, and anyone else who isn’t a profound imbecile. Welcome to America, a fact-free nation, where the average Joe likes to pretend he is a scientist, a doctor or a Kentucky senator.

Presidential Politics: Mitt Romney pulled out of the presidential race … and praise was heaped upon him by his Republican rivals, though their flattery seemed to have an undercurrent of double meaning.

Jeb Bush, brother of the guy that sank our country like no other before him, and the son of Bush One, another recession president, released a press statement saying I know that Mitt Romney will never stop advocating for renewing America’s promise through upward mobility.” Privately Jebediah Bush said he misspoke and what he meant to say was “Mitt will never stop renewing America’s promise for Mitt Romney’s upward mobility – all the rest of you schmoes are here to work retail.”

Sarah Palin heaped praise upon the former candidate saying, “You betcha, he is a good, god fearing, rich as Croesus, liberal hatin’ man and is still a significant candidate.”   Her press secretary explained that to mean, “Even we don’t want that magic underwear wearin’ nutbag anywhere near the controls of the country, and he’s about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl.”

The flintlock wielding Kentucky Senator, Rand Paul, also chimed in on Mitt and tweeted, “I hope to work together with Mitt to lead our country forward.” This was a noticeable shift from his other recent social media postings saying that “Mitt Romney couldn’t find his ass with both hands and I’m pretty sure that vaccinations caused his conversion to Moron-ism.”

Mitch McConnell also sang the praises of Mitt stating, “I hate to see him go, Mitt’s a good man, and by that I mean, I hate the fuckin’ guy and I’ll vote Democrat if he ever runs again.”

Latino hopeful Marco Rubio was perhaps the most blunt. He was quoted saying, “He certainly earned the right to consider running, so I deeply respect his decision to give the next generation a chance to lead.” I found an experienced GOP translator who clarified Rubio’s meaning for me by grabbing his crotch while screaming, “Respect this an’ get out of the way, old man!” Republicans are so colorful when they eat their own.

Seattle wins one: Marijuana history is being made in Seattle: the first vending machines to dispense pot flower buds debuted Tuesday. A vending machine for pot? … OK, I’m sorry that is an absofuckin’lutely fan-damn-tastic idea! I want these installed in every police station in the country. It will go a long way to cut down on police brutality and profiling. I can hear police sirens slowly whining now – “Duuude, I just pulled you over cuz your car is a really totally awesome cool color, an’ your drivin’ is seriously excellent, you have a righteous day.” C’mon, tell me pot vending machines aren’t a great idea!

Just plain bitter: Sen. John McCain, in a very congressman-like fashion, lashed out at protesters at a hearing on global security challenges, calling them “Low-Life Scum.” Turns out McCain accidently saw his reflection while walking by a mirror and mistook his own image for “low-life scum.” Later he shed light on his outburst by saying “Clearly, I’m a pretty unpleasant person, so the mix-up is understandable.”

What is she into? Queen Elizabeth received many presents this year from her admirers – among them a riding crop, a coffee grinder, a mounted tiger and a bristle-brush boot scraper. I think we may be talkin’ 50 Shades of Grey here. Just what kind of sick perversions is this woman up to in the hallways of “Bucking-her-ham Palace?” This usually happens when you let royals inbreed a little too long.

And finally in sports: A Seattle Seahawks fan died because of his team’s loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX. Yes, Michael Vedvik, 53, of Kent, Washington, died a day after the Seahawks’ senseless loss to the Patriots due to the stupidest play call in the history of sports. His family published Michael’s obituary which said, “We blame the Seahawks’ lousy play call for Mike’s untimely demise.” My heart goes out to the family for the loss of their loved one, and the open and honest way they correctly place blame on the band of idiots that made that call. I’m surprised more Seattle fans didn’t die due to the Immaculate Interception. More mystifying is why they haven’t killed the coach.

So there you have it for February 2015. America is still on track, plugging along as usual, awash in a sea of stupid, much as we’ve always been. Now what do I feed this kangaroo?

Illustration: The illustration is, of course, by the author and master illustrator (for hire), Trevor Irvin of Irvin Productions.
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".