life in the key of stupid

A 16-year-old is avoiding all jail time for killing four people and injuring nine in a drunk-driving accident after his lawyer successfully argued the teen suffers from “affluenza.”

Affluenza, you say? You aren’t familiar with that disease? Well, you should be. It is a deadly affliction spreading rapidly into the wealthy conclaves of gated communities … and sadly it strikes only the wealthy.

affluenza-teenAffluenza is a new legal defense for rich people, meaning that their sense of entitlement prevents them from being aware of the consequences of their actions.

Apparently, poor-ass, entitlement-free teenagers are required to know the consequences of their actions before they do anything unbelievably stupid. But rich-ass folk aren’t even aware that there are laws, let alone laws that rich-ass folk are required to follow, and thus deserve a pass for killing people.

The judge agreed with the defense that the kid had contracted a virulent form of “affluenza.” So, because his parents gave him everything he wanted, the dumb-ass believed that “being rich” meant that he doesn’t have to face consequences for his actions. This is a philosophy espoused by René Descartes, filthy rich younger brother – “I’m rich, therefore fuck off”

The Centers for Disease Control has labeled this as a “parent-borne” illness mainly spread via the transfer of cash and credit cards to your beyond-stupid offspring. If your Daddy is a Wall Street banker or your Mommy is a 6 figure CEO they are likely carriers. The only known cure is immediate bankruptcy and being forced to drive a 1982 Chevy Malibu.

So to sum up, if you contract:
Affluenza – I be rich, no jail for me, and Daddy buys me new car because I’m sad
Poorfluenza – Court appointed lawyer sucks – my poor ass is goin’ to jail

Other things rich people suffer from:
Empathy Collapse Disorder – Seriously … you can’t afford three lawyers?
Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Aversion – i.e Fear of Food Stamps.
Rich as Croesusitis – Symptoms include: cursing at the homeless, blaming liberals for all evils, ass tattoos of Scrooge McDuck.

Well, our finely-tuned judicial system prevailed once again and instead of a 20-year sentence, Mr. Affluent got probation. (Oh, and horrors, was sentenced to therapy, too) Let’s be reasonable people, he suffered the hardships and indignities of massive wealth and entitlement, and he wasn’t punished for his previous appalling behavior, so why should we pile on and punish him for killing a few people now? Let’s save that kind of punishment for poor-folk who don’t know any better. His attorney and a judge wisely thought that taking away his Xbox for a couple months was horrendous penalty enough. It looks like he will receive treatment at very expensive treatment facility in California. Really???! It’s like he won the Super Bowl of the Judicial System. “Hey kid, you’ve just killed four and injured nine, where are you going on vacation? – I’m going to Disney World and then a $450,000 dollar a year rehab treatment facility in California!”

Let’s not blame the kid or his parents as this is probably all your fault – Remember it takes a village to raise a drunk, self-absorbed, lawyered-up rich jerkoff.

But let’s just say, sometimes, there ain’t nothin’ better than being a rich-ass white kid when you kill a few people.

Image: screen grab from CNN - click here to view video via
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".

  1. We’ll hear from this brat down the road when he again does something horrible. Maybe he’ll run over his lawyer and the judge next time.

    1. Well, I would hope for a slightly better solution. The attorney was simply doing his job. I don’t think anything can be done about an attorney doing his/her utmost to successfully defend a client. That is an integral part of our system.

      At very least I would like to see the judge’s ruling overturned and this kid serve whatever would be A) appropriate time for killing 4 and injuring nine that is equal to what other less affluent people receive as punishment. B) and since he is a minor and his parents responsibility they should pay compensation to the victims which I assume a civil suit will do. C) I would like to see the judge’s credentials reviewed by the Bar Association or some judicial body.

      Not that any of this would alleviate any of the destruction he has wrought – the damage he’s done is permanent. The current ruling simply adds massive insult to injury.


  2. Anoni Muss

    An idea for a book: Next time we hear the boast that “American Justice is the best in the world” let’s write up all the examples that it isn’t. It would constitute a page-turner.

    1. That would be an awful long book … just sayin’

  3. i think it’s more about being rich than being white. It’s not the 90’s anymore. Besides, most persian money makes white money look like a kids first bank account.

    1. side thought – who did he kill? where they more rich white people? if so, who cares cause “fuck those people”.

  4. Practically speaking, there is very little difference between a gated community and a prison, other than the superficial optics and who controls the keys. Accumulators locking themselves away is probably preferable since some of their stash gets spent.
    In this case, since the killings were the result of gross negligence, rather than intent, the juvenile would probably be eligible for release from a juvenile facility in a couple of years. Five years on probation might make a difference, if youth accounts for the irresponsible behavior. But, given the parental attitude, it may be genetic.
    What we have to realize is that the accumulation of dollars is neither a sign of wisdom, nor virtue. Humans are symbolic creatures. That’s what makes some of them different from squirrels.

    1. Eileen Dight

      Spend a month in prison and tell us again how similar it is to a gated community.

  5. How about this: if this is a real thing that is really affecting the minds of the wealthy, it’s time to round them all up and put them in a psychiatric hospital. There we can study them, and hopefully find a cure. Because if the rich are literally incapable of understanding the consequences of their actions then that means they’re a danger to themselves and others. That’s the standard for when someone is committed, whether they like it or not.

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