Opposites Attract

OppositesWatching Meet the Press yesterday, I almost choked on my breakfast when I heard Paul Ryan say with a straight face, “Immigration is a good thing.”

Those GOP strategy meetings last week must have simply encouraged Republicans to start saying the opposite of everything they have said for the past 20 years or so. Not a bad political strategy in my opinion, but America already has a party for liberals.

The Republican Party also seems to be distancing itself from the fringe elements that have been dictating its wayward course. After all, does anyone believe that Sarah Palin’s “separation” from Fox News the day after the strategy meetings was a coincidence?

The re-branding of the GOP now has me wondering what might be next for America’s fast-sinking political ship. Here are some things we might be able to look forward to:

Instead of tax breaks for the wealthy to “encourage growth,” Republicans will consider a plan to pay down the national debt by levying a new slander tax on Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity every time one of them insults someone he disagrees with.

Instead of serving as a television surrogate for conservative Republicans, Ann Coulter will now be asked to do some community outreach in America’s Black Muslim communities.

Taking advantage of public outcry over gun violence, NRA-backed congressmen will now visit the grieving families of the 30,000 Americans killed by guns every year. They will be cancelling all campaign fundraising events in order to make time for this new duty.

Instead of cutting funding for public education, Republicans congressmen and senators who attended public schools will now supply their former schools with pencils, paper, and other supplies directly from their offices in Washington. They will also be sending personalized thank you cards to the former teachers who helped enabled them to become such cunning individuals.

Instead of fighting to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Republicans will now revert to their original position on mandated health care as issued by the Heritage Foundation in 1989.

Instead of accusing the President of “not leading” in the turbulent revolutions of foreign countries, Republican politicians will now personally lead an armed resistance to fight against the likes of Bashir Al-Assad, right alongside members of Al-Queda.

In order to stop offending women with careless comments regarding rape and abortion, Republican leaders will be required to complete a sensitivity training course taught by Rachel Maddow.

Instead of simply parading out every minority representative of the Republican Party onto the stage at the Republican National Convention, Reince Priebus has suggested that his black and Hispanic colleagues invite their “amigos” and “homies” to add a little diversity to the delegates on the floor.

Instead of trying to limit access to voting among elderly and minority constituents, Republicans are proposing to offer free copies of Atlas Shrugged to anyone who would like to vote without government issued identification.

These are just a few of the solutions the GOP may be rolling out in the coming weeks, but if they prove to be successful, the 2016 ticket of Christie and Rubio can’t lose.

Image: Created for LikeTheDew.com from photos licensed at YayMicro.com.
Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer is a full-time instructor of composition and American literature at a small college in North Georgia. He is also the editor of politicdiscourse.com and regular contributor to The McLean Parlor.