Save Us From Ourselves

If you are among the twelve undecided voters left in America, it is not too late to make an educated selection at the ballot box on November 6th. While the eenie-meenie-minie-mo strategy would likely prove to be just as effective 50% of the time, making your choice for President based on any one of the six following criteria will allow you to logically explain to your uninterested friends and family why you chose the lesser evil that you did.

  1. If you are rich, vote Romney. If you are poor, vote Obama.
    You would think this one goes without saying, but you would be surprised at the number of poor white folks with Romney stickers patching up the bullet holes on their double-wides. Romney has promised to help Americans out by cutting the tax rates on capital gains and investments, so if you don’t know what capital gains are, or your investment portfolio consists of losing scratch-off lottery tickets which you hope to mail in for the second chance drawing just as soon as you can afford the postage, vote Obama. He will use higher taxes on the rich folks’ investments to give you what you need—like food stamps, college loans, maybe even a decent paying job rebuilding America’s crumbling infrastructure.
  2. If you are from the Deep South, vote Romney. If you are from California, New York, Massachusetts, or Illinois, vote Obama.
    Nobody wants to be an outcast. If you vote for Obama in the Deep South, even if he wins, your neighbors will hate you. You won’t get invited to any catfish fries or raccoon huntin’ trips. Besides, the southern states are already decided for Romney. A vote for Obama in Georgia is as good as a used wad of chewing tobacco. The same reasoning goes for voters in states that are decided for Obama. Even if you don’t like the guy, put on your “Forward” t-shirt and smile. You want people to like you, don’t you? Let’s be honest: you waited this long to start thinking seriously about the election; your popularity is obviously more important to you than the fate of the nation.
  3. If you are an Evangelical (i.e. closed-minded, white) Christian or Mormon, vote Romney. If you are anything else (religiously speaking), vote Obama.
    This criterion is logically supported by the same in-crowd mentality as #2, but it must also say somewhere in each respective group’s holy scripture that followers shall cast their votes a certain way. Nothing else could rationally explain the polarization and lack of independent thinking among these lemmings.
  4. If you hate foreigners in America, vote for Romney. If you hate foreigners in other countries, vote for Obama.
    Romney has made it clear that foreigners who came to America seeking a better life for themselves and their families need to show themselves the exit door by “self-deporting.” He won’t even waste American tax dollars helping immigrants get out of the country, let alone helping them to stay in it. If you agree that America’s long history as a land of opportunity for all is a black eye on the Statue of Lady Liberty, then Romney is your man.
    Obama, on the other hand, has made killing foreigners in other countries a staple of his White House tenure. Although his dozens (probably hundreds) of drone strikes overseas have eliminated many terrorist targets, the destructive nature of bombing remote villages from robot planes has also eliminated many non-terrorist women and children—or as some might say, “potential terrorists.”
  5. If you want a leader who will compromise in order to accomplish things, vote for Romney. If you want a leader who will not bend to the will of his opponents, vote for Obama.
    Much has been said recently about the ineffectiveness of Washington and the do-nothing Congress that has failed to serve the American people by passing crucial legislative measures to get the country back on track. Some attribute this systemic problem to a lack of leadership from the White House, and it is obvious that for anything to get accomplished in Washington over the next four years, the President should be willing to work with the other side. With that in mind, one should note that Mitt Romney is always willing to compromise on his policy positions. Forget that Romney labeled himself as “severely conservative” during the Republican primaries; the moderate Romney that showed up for the Presidential debates had clearly compromised on his entire economic plan. Romney has also proven that he will compromise 180 degrees on some issues, gun control and healthcare mandates being two shining examples of Romney’s unparalleled flexibility.There are some Americans who view compromise as a sign of weakness. If you are one of these people, Obama should be more to your liking. In 2010, the Republican congressional leader Mitch McConnell laid out a clear agenda for Congress to pursue over the following two years. He said, “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.” However, the President chose not to reach across the aisle to help his opposition accomplish their mission. Instead, Obama chose to completely obstruct the Republicans’ plan by accepting his party’s nomination for the 2012 Presidential election. Obama’s choice to dig in against his opponents shows he will not easily cave to outside pressure when it comes to defending his principles.
  6. If you want a President that you could have a beer with, vote Obama. If you want a President that you could have a caffeine-free Coke with at a $50,000 per plate fundraiser, vote for Romney.
    This issue is all about the likability/relatabillity factor. The who-would-you-rather-have-a-beer-with question has been a feature of prior elections, but Romney’s personal beliefs and unfamiliarity with at least 47% of Americans necessitates a new version of the old question. Regardless of how you answer, you will not likely ever get to enjoy a beverage with either candidate, but at least you can say you voted based on your all-important “feeling” about your favorite politician.

So there you have it: six possible factors that will determine the next four years of American history. If you are still undecided, don’t forget to bring a coin to flip with you on Tuesday!

Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer

Jason Palmer is a full-time instructor of composition and American literature at a small college in North Georgia. He is also the editor of and regular contributor to The McLean Parlor.