Uncommon Sense

Have issues? Got problems? Have questions about life, love, homework or even “Is a Republican saying ‘yes’ to Obama a sure sign of the Apocalypse? Write [email protected] for advice.

Dear Justplainwill:

My husband is so hardheaded. I cannot get him to see a doctor, even when he might be ailing. Unless, at that very moment, he is sporting an open wound and gushing blood like a BP Oil spill, he just won’t go. He just won’t. The last time he consented to see a medic was when we were already in the hospital emergency room and in triage.

I myself, have always scheduled regular visits to the internist and gynecologist in order to be reassured that all of my insides were functioning properly. Doing so gives me a sense of well being and I want my husband to have that same peace of mind. I’ve tried everything from withholding sex to threatening to make him watch movies on the Lifetime Channel. But he just won’t co-operate.

Other than pulling a gun and putting a bullet in him – thus making the doctor’s visit really necessary – tell me how can I get this silly bastard to do the right thing?

Ovum Hatch
Rash, Alabama

Dear Ovum:

This is a long-standing problem and you certainly are not the first wife, girlfriend, fiance, mistress or lady-in-waiting to have it.

Most guys wouldn’t dream of willingly going anywhere near a doctor and haven’t seen the inside of the physician’s waiting room in a coon’s age. Government statistics prove as much, offering that the ratio of women to men in waiting rooms is roughly 1,756 to 1. It’s just not something we relish doing. Deep in our gut, we know getting up on a medical examining table is the cosmic tripwire event that will unleash Armageddon. On the other hand, just waking up every morning is as a good a sign as we need to be certain everything on our insides is fine even if it feels like something in there is a burning, smoldering inferno. It’s also cheaper.

To be totally honest, husbands, boyfriends and the just plain bums among us have never been completely comfortable with the idea that our womenfolk were so all fired anxious to flock to the doctor’s office in the first place. The fact you people seemed to be so hell bent on going some place other than home and take your clothes off is downright alarming. It makes us scratch our head and wonder “…what the hell is really going on down at that doctor’s office anyway?” We haven’t made a big stink about it because we’re really afraid of what you might tell us if we start asking too many questions. (And even if what might going on over there is totally innocent or even er… “scientific,” all that flocking to any one place is how rumors, gossip and innuendo get started.)

It’s unfortunate Ms. Hatch, but as with almost everything else really problematical in life, the solution is in the hands of someone else – usually a crowd of Republicans. In this case, the answer lies with doctors themselves – ‘Doctor heal thyself,’ as it were.

Recognize Ovum, inside every grown male –no matter what race, creed, religious persuasion or color car he drives– is a little boy just yip-yip-yippin’ to bust out. Professionals refer to this as the ‘inner child’. Admittedly though, taking a truly professional approach when it comes to dealing with any allegedly grown man has never gotten anyone anywhere. (You can ask any successful used car dealer, winning NFL coach or any strip club owner.) As with any small boy, in order to get your man to do virtually anything, he must be baited—lured with something to hit, drink, eat or watch on TV.

In case you haven’t noticed –and apparently doctors haven’t – guys will flock to any place offering free food, cheap liquor, half-naked women and a flat screen TV. A golf putting green sometimes works. As an example, you can find all of these things in the Hooter’s business model and you never hear them complaining about not having enough men customers.

By the way, Ovum this same general approach also works for enticing your husband, boyfriend or garden-variety layabout to church services. Ministers and clerics have a similar problem on Sundays, when the women in attendance outnumber men by numbers that are…well, Biblical.

I hope this helps.

Your pal,

Dear Justplainwill:

I’m a beginning to get a little nervous that Mitt could actually win this thing. I took a good gander at him the other day and it dawned on me that he meets the two most fundamental requirements Americans insist on having in a President. First, he’s tall. Second, he has a full head of hair.

Just the notion of Mitt as POTUS makes my belly ache. I’ve been suspicious of him from the very beginning, ever since I learned he spelled his name with two “t”’s. One “t” seems more than enough. My daddy told me to always be wary of a fellow who takes more of anything than is needed to get the job done. Given that he’s also spending all those millions of dollars to get elected, drives around in two Cadillacs, and uses more of the alphabet than is needed to say “mit”, I figure Daddy was right.

My biggest problem with Mitt is that he promises that Obama-care would be repealed and replaced on Day One of his administration. Even though Mitt drones on and on about how much he knows and how good he is, he hasn’t given us one damn clue as to his how his replacement for Obamacare would work. I’m beginning to think that he doesn’t have a replacement. Or a clue! Justplainwill, I need health insurance of some kind. When it comes to helping sick folks, what does that Mitt Romney have up his sleeve?

Hydrangea Bush
Nuchols, KY

Dear Hydrangea:

From the looks of things, you might as well quit your belly-achin’ since there may not be a way to treat it.

After doing a little digging and researching, we’ve figured out that if Mitt wins, he will implement a national healthcare delivery system that will rival that of any country in the underdeveloped world. Of course, it will still be viewed as a beacon of American Exceptionalism by many third world potentates as well as by those on the right-wing of the plane that we ‘ll all be flying in.

Find below, a draft Talking Points memo on Mitt’s Healthcare program, expected to rolled out and implemented on Day Two of a Mitt Administration. (Somehow, the memo just fell into my hands…er…honest!)

To: GOP Campaign Surrogates and Romney Administration Wannabees
Fr: Mitt


This memo guides the reader through the roll-out of the campaign’s healthcare initiative: America SOS. It provides you with proven, successful talking points to use when you are appearing on the Sunday morning shows such as Beat the Press, This Weak, Face the Music and others. Please stick to the script and do not get off message.

Note that on Day 2 of a Romney Administration, I, President Mitt will implement a broad national healthcare initiative to replace Obamacare. It is simple, straightforward, and easy to remember. Best of all, it requires very, very little government spending.


The cornerstone of the new program is personal responsibility. As President Mitt, I will remind Americans that it is unpatriotic to “need healthcare in the first damn place.”Right-thinking Americans must strive to no longer get sick, have accidents, or get in the way of tornadoes, hurricanes, floods or forest fires. Americans will now engage in such activities at their own risk and will not be bailed out.” In order to support this aspect of the program, I will ‘incentivize’ the tax code so that the sick and infirmed will be taxed in proportion to their degree of illness, discomfort and their inconvenience to the rest of us.


When the opposition says: “This is just tomfoolery… and a damn ridiculous concept. It will never work.”

Your response: “We must reclaim the our roots. Go back to a time when all Americans took personal responsibility for everything and everyone’s life expectancy was considerably less.”

Note to campaign surrogate: Some people, particularly journalists and the liberals, will express their displeasure and question your sanity. You though, will firm your lip, stand your ground and respond “We’ve got to balance the budget. Whine if you wanna…but you’ve been warned, bitches.”


Not only are we going to cut fat from the budget, we are going to cleverly eliminate the concept of obesity from people! This is truly revolutionary. Specifically, on Day Three, I, President Mitt will re-define “what is” and “who is” actually fat. The Republican leaders of the Congress have agreed to legally mandate that those liberal insurance industry height to weight charts be thrown out and re-written. An American male, who is 5’10” and weighs 400 lbs and formerly deemed morbidly obese is now, under our new program, healthy, svelte and Hollywood movie leading man material. This is an innovative program. For too long, Americans have been held in the vise-like grip of those insurance height and weight tables. Our program changes all that. Forever! With the stroke of a pen, we will be transformed from one of the most overweight countries to one of the healthiest.


When the opposition says: “You can’t do that. It’s delusional, unrealistic and flies in the face of reality.”

Your response: “Of course, we can. It’s the same thing we did a few years ago on global warming –we just ignored the warnings and questioned the science. And if somebody wants to give us a hard time, we’ll leave the ‘height to weight’ tables just as they are and write legislation that declares that a foot is now equal to six inches and a yard is two feet. Clever, hunh?

When the liberals respond: “But ….”

You’ll have the last word by interrupting and saying: “Lookit, that Michelle Obama woman is constantly sashaying all over about the country complaining about how fat Americans are. She claims obesity is the root cause of all of our health problems from pink eye to toenail fungus. It’s downright shameful how she goes on. Lately, she’s taken to blaming American kids, saying they eat too much fast food, move too little and watch too much TV. She’s committing generational theft if you ask me. American kids have every right to be just as fat as their parents and grandparents. It’s their birthright.” (Fold your arms emphatically and say “Harrumph!)

As always, there will some people who will not cooperate and insist upon getting sick or suffering some kind of calamity. On Day Four of the Mitt Administration, I will announce that we are bringing out of mothballs, the hospital ship, the S.S. Hope. You recall the SS Hope was used to treat all the sicko’s in those unfortunate countries across the ocean. We’ll sail the ship up and down the U.S. coast treating people and dispensing medical supplies, just like we used to do for some of the other countries back in the Sixties.

Every week, the ship will be anchored in a new place along the coast and just offshore. Nearly half of all American live within 300 miles of an ocean. Sick Americans will thus have real easy access to medical services. Americans will come from all over to swim out to the ship to be treated. This part of the program will be called America SOS: America Sink or Swim.

When the opposition says: “You can’t expect people to swim out to some ship. Are you nuts…?”

You say “Remember silly, the boat will be anchored offshore, off the beach! There’s not an American, sick or healthy, who doesn’t love to go to the beach. And this will be like a free trip. Well, sorta anyway. I mean they’ve got to go right past the beach to get to the boat. Might as well stop and play in the surf a bit.”(You wink at the camera, as if you know something that nobody else does.)

When the opposition says: “What about Americans who don’t live anywhere near a coastline. Are they just ‘ship out of luck’?”

You say: Now (insert name here), that’s just crass. Of course not. Eventually, we’ll put the ship on wheels and drag it overland.”

The opposition will say: Hunh…so what will those Americans in-land be doing in the meantime?

You say: “Why (insert name here again) Americans in dire straits will be doing what they’ve always done –and this is the beauty of it: ‘They’ll waiting for their ship to come in.”

Hydrangea, from the looks of things, if Mitt becomes POTUS, you better plan on not getting sick, learn to swim or maybe learning “Better Health through Voo-Doo.”

Yours in good health,

Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.