Dick Cheney, former vice president, Torturer-in-Chief and current CEO of Evil Inc. was given a heart transplant today. The medical professionals involved were confused by the need for this, and one was quoted as saying, “he’s lived for 71 years without a heart, why does he need one now?”
There were some complications during surgery, as the donor heart was heard kicking and screaming, “No, please no, god no, I don’t want to go in there!” The donor heart was finally tazered into submission, wrapped in barbed wire, and thrown into the dark, cold cavity where Cheney’s heart would have been, had he been born with one.
After much difficulty, the heart finally began to pump, slowly pushing the toxic, black, tar-like substance that the Cheney family calls “blood” through Dick’s spider-like circulatory system. The lead surgeon said “I’ve never seen anything like it; It was like opening up an EPA Superfund cleanup site. The smell was overpowering and there were dead crows, toxic pools of sludge everywhere, and his lungs kept emitting a dense, foul cloud of black smoke with every breath.”
The surgery for all its difficulty was a success and Cheney awoke in the ICU sporting his usual lopsided, child-eating grin exclaiming “my god, so this is what it feels like to be human?” In a news conference he told reporters “This must be what it felt like when Ebenezer Scrooge awoke from his visits with the three ghosts … well except Scrooge hadn’t been responsible for killing people, torturing anyone, fouling huge swaths of the planet, or avoiding his country’s draft … Scrooge was merely a skinflint.” Cheney went on to say “by those standards Ebenezer was really just an amateur asshole.”
The V.P. of the Dark Arts hopes to live for many more years and indulge in his usual recreational activities of cheating at bridge, enhanced interrogation and shooting his friends in the face. He hopes to possibly get back into politics, “You wouldn’t believe how invading another country illegally gets the heart pumping” he said grinning from ear to opposite jaw line.
Upon hearing of this successful transplant, the Bush family asked doctors if perhaps a brain donor is available for poor George.