Uncommon Sense

Dear Justplainwill:

I’m frustrated!

I have spent the last fourteen years serving humankind – as well as humankind’s Indianapolis branch – by being, many people say, the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen. Sadly, after giving the Colts the best years of my life, I have suddenly been cast adrift.

The only thing I was told when given the pink slip by management is that over the past year or so, I have become ‘a royal pain in the neck’ (their term, not mine) and that my services were no longer needed. Go figure.

Being the greatest quarterback the world has ever seen, I do have some options, however. There are several football teams that seem to have a deep and abiding interest in me wearing their logo on the side of my helmet. These teams include the Redskins, Dolphins, Broncos, Seahawks, Cardinals, Jets, Titans and Forty-Niners. My current dilemma is figuring out for which of these teams I should now work.

 As a certified spiritual adviser and known meddler in affairs that you know absolutely nothing about, I figure that you’re about as well qualified as anyone else to tell me what I should do. Please help me, Justplainwill. Please help. What should I do?

Peyton M.

Formerly of Indianapolis

Dear Peyton:

 Life’s a bitch.

As a man, who has similarly given the best two years of his life to eight different wives on ten different occasions, I know what its like to be told by ‘the management’ to pack up all your sh*t and be off the premises by five o’clock. Believe you me, I know what this feels like … and you definitely have my sympathies. (You can also take solace in the fact that the Colts are the very same idiots who once traded Johnny Unitas, the very first greatest quarterback that the world has ever seen – to the San Diego Chargers. Apparently some people NEVER learn.)

All that said, my sage advice is to forget the Colts. You will no doubt remember the 1960’s movie (title)  that posed the question: They Shoot Horses Don’t They? Well now you know.

They shoot horses, don't they?

Anyway like I said, forget the Colts! Forget football! Who needs it!? From the looks of things, you’re a smart guy and what really smart guy really needs to spend his autumn Sunday afternoons having his ass chased up and down the grid-iron by the likes of Ray Lewis or Troy Polamalu with intent to maim or otherwise do great bodily harm? Frankly, you wouldn’t catch me purposely being chased by any of ’em unless I was armed with a Louisville Slugger… or maybe a Glock.

 Instead of ever putting on a pair of football cleats again, I’d pursue more non-violent vocational opportunities. Here are three:

 NFL Commissioner: I’ve always said that the job should be held by either you, God or Oprah. The salary for this job is $20 million per year, even more than what you made as a Colt, what God currently makes but certainly less than what Oprah brings home. What sweet revenge it would be on those fools in the Colts front office for you to ascend to this lofty position. That’ll show those equines up in Indiana.

Broadway/Show Business: I’ve seen your commercials in which you pitch pizzas as well as those in which you are shilling for consumer electronics made with cheap foreign labor. Methinks you have a gift. With your great comedic timing, you could be a late night talk show host or even your own situation comedy (perhaps titled “Where’s Peyton?”). Maybe you could even take that Ashton Kucher’s place on Two and a Half Men. I’ve seen his work too and he’s no Charlie Sheen. You could save that show, Peyton.

Other: Peyton, if you are just bound and determined to stay on this ‘helping humankind’ kick, you should forget joining the Redskins or Dolphins or Broncos or Jets or any of ’em. Setting out to serve mankind has never gotten anyone anywhere.  Such ambition only leads to ruin. You’ll only end up hurt, heartbroken again –or dead.  (You’ll remember what happened to Gandhi well as Martin Luther King when they tried to help mankind – and remember Ray and Troy are still waiting to kick your ass as soon as you step on the football field again.) Rather, the team you should join is the Republicans… as a Presidential candidate.

 And while I, being a lifelong Democrat, would hate losing you to the other side, it seems to me that you’ve got more sense than all those other Republicans candidates combined. You’ll get a lot of votes and you’ll take the pressure off the other Republicans who’d be forced to dropout of the race. Just think Peyton, Mitt could then quit pretending to be conservative;  Newt could quit pretending to be contrite, cheerful and Catholic; Santorum could quit pretending to live in the twenty-first century and Ron Paul could just …well, quit pretending altogether. As for the rest of us: we’d have traded one pain in the neck for four pains in the ass.

That”d be a service to mankind if I ever saw one.

Your pal,


Got questions about life, love, money or even”What the hell does the name ‘Mitt’ mean?” (Ans: Latin or Gaelic for ‘not really a conservative’).Write [email protected]

Photo of Peyton Manning by minds-eye via Flickr photostream, used with Creative Commons 2.0 License.  Photo of colt by Derrick Coetzee via Wikimedia Commons.
Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.