A Cure for Dumbass?

Geek & Freak - illustration by Trevor IrvinHuzzah, Huzzah, Huzzah!

A cure for dumbshit is on the horizon! Double your IQ, double your fun. Right now, it’s all a little theoretical, but the good news is it has absolutely nothing to do with injecting stem cells or homeschooling.

Read the msnbc article about this mammoth breakthrough.

Turns out, the key to increased intelligence is achieved through longer neural pathways. Stretch those little suckers out, and you won’t have to live on planet dumbass anymore. The upside of a doubled IQ will be substantial. The physics homework you were helping your kid with will finally make sense … to you. You will be able to remember Ohm’s law and apply it, when just for laughs, you decide to field-strip a high voltage, direct-current generator. You will be able to weave a convincing narrative about repairing a limited slip differential with a pencil and a paper clip into your dinner conversation; and better yet, you will no longer do stupid things. Reality TV and watching fat people diet and cry will be a thing of the past. People won’t talk on their cell phones while driving, young adults will have the intellectual capacity to negotiate a 4-way stop … and no one will drink that shitty Yeungling crap anymore.

Imagine it: “life coaches” and yoga instructors going public and sayin’, “yeah, we’re sorry, we made all that crap up … here’s your money back.” No more presidential debate “oops moments.” Doubling Rick Perry’s IQ means he should score about 65 and be able to realize he ain’t presidential caliber material in the first place. And your children will stop jumping off bridges just because their friends did.

From the msnbc article:
“No one knows why some brains construct much longer-range connections than others. When understood, it is theoretically possible to increase IQ,” said Richard Haier, a neuroscientist and professor emeritus at the University of California at Irvine.

“They have discovered that the brains of people with high IQs tend to be highly integrated, with neural paths connecting distant brain regions, while less intelligent people’s brains build simpler, shorter routes.”

I know what you’re thinking: isn’t a “simpler and shorter route” a better way to get somewhere? No, it isn’t. You just think it is because you’re as dumb as a drawer full of socks. If you doubled your IQ, you would understand that when traveling to your annoying aunt Edna’s house in Macon for an extended weekend, you will want to take the longest route imaginable as to spend as little time with Edna as earthly possible. What I’m sayin’ is you want to drive to Macon via Idaho. You will see a lot more, have a better time, and learn something new along the way … same thing with your brain.

I’m guessing that the brains of most football coaches, Regis Philbin, and orthodox Jewish Haredim leaders, (who think spitting on 8 year old girls who don’t meet their dress code standards is ok) have “simpler, shorter routes” of, say, about a nanometer in length. A nanometer = 1.0 × 10-9 meters, but if your IQ was doubled you’d already know that. I’m almost positive that my neural pathways are hundreds of miles long, pretty much assuring that I’m a geni-ass. My wife disagrees, but what the hell does she know.

I suspect most politicians have a single, heavily potholed, neural pathway, running from their craniums down to their hindquarters and thus inspiring the ancient Greek phrase “Assidromian Containus Cranium” (“head up ones ass” for you people who didn’t pass freshman Latin.) People like my sister’s husband may be somewhere in-between. If not possessing long neural superhighways, complete with suspension bridges, cloverleaf’s, and mass-transit connections, like some of us have, my brother-in-law’s noggin may instead have a short, cracked sidewalk, a dead end into a cull de sac, and/or a handicapped ramp.

Dramatically increasing ones IQ is an exciting prospect, adding more proof that large swaths of the general population (you know who you are, cough, cough, homeschoolers and Texans) have a complete absence of neural pathways. Their skulls contain the biological equivalent of a brick. It’s now clear that without multiple and intricate neural pathways, it really isn’t a brain; it’s simply a bad cut of meat.

There is an untidy consequence in all of this; scientists seem to think that with increased intelligence there will be a sharp decrease in religious faith. I give that one a great big … well, Duh!

I think society will benefit when all our brains are zipping around with 200+ IQ’s. Republicans will forgive Bill Clinton for his loose zipper problem. Democrats will forgive George Bush, accepting the fact he didn’t know any better. Dinner parties will be filled with snippets of conversation such as, “Can you believe we bought all that crap about supply-side economics? How utterly absurd.” Your idiot hippie brother will ­buy a lawn mower, and will now be smart enough to convert it into a green, solar powered, marijuana dryer. Your wife will have the “Sexy Bitch” tramp-stamp she got in Pensacola in 1982 removed with the new Tatt Be-Gone gel she invented by combining ordinary kitchen cleanser and some nucleic acid that was lying around, the profits from which, put both of you on easy street. Leaf blowers will be outlawed.

This is the first technological advance in decades that gives me even the slightest a glimmer of hope. To be honest, I’m ready to give up on all that stem cell shit, and I couldn’t give a crap about a 4G or even a 10G phone.

Unfortunately, Dow Chemical has not yet invented an IQ pill small enough to be ingestible. Currently it’s the size of a library—actually, it is a library, and if you’re smart enough to read everything in the library you won’t need any more neural pathways. Unfortunately, conservative legislators are moving quickly to block the development of the “Smart Pill” because the concept of smart simply scares the living shit outa’ them.

In the interim, let’s get to work right away on an exercise regime that increases the neural pathways to tightly integrate our brains. Maybe a TV show to start the day would be good, something like a “Jack LaLane for the Brain.” It would feature kids from the genius bar at Apple, in black turtle necks and spandex, exhorting the slow-witted to “strengthen and lengthen” their neural corridors. “Okay, people, bend and flex, place your fingers on your temples … now stretch those neural pathways. Think, people, think! No, pain, no gain. Do you want to remain a blithering idiot forever? Yes, you, Jackass in the back row with the cigarette, you need it the most.”

In the meantime, you may want to buy a pair of fake glasses; at least you’ll look smarter.

Illustration by Trevor Irvin and he does this for living, so hire him for something.
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the startup...it all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".