To the firm of Santorum, Romney, Gingrich, Paul & Perry,
Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of temp in your Company, Our U.S.A. Inc., for I have decided to join the great and honorable establishment known as America Incl. Although I doubt that you’re the least bit interested in my reasons for this sudden and startling departure I will, out of respect, explain.
I was thrilled when informed that I’d finally (after four years of fees, lawyers, travel, repeated fingerprinting etc.) completed the interviews and examinations and been accepted by The Company. (Allow me to digress for a moment and say that you might want to review that whole process with an eye to streamlining it and injecting some sanity. I mean, really – has anyone ever actually checked the “Yes” box on the form that asks such questions as “Are you a drug-pushing prostitute?” or “Have you ever either knowingly or unknowingly committed genocide?” “Unknowingly”? Well, I suppose that accidents do happen).
Back to my resignation. I had been led to believe that The Company was an exemplar of tolerance, progressiveness, compassion and innovation: that it was, in fact, the single best Company in the world. Maybe I fell for the “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, yearning to breathe free…” corporate tag-line. While I did (and do) find that to be true of your Workers, I have grown disillusioned by Management.
I’ve just received notice that all Workers will, in the future, be subjected to random drug testing and medical examinations. The purpose of these violations is, apparently, to ascertain which Workers might be using various forms of birth control or engaging in sexual activities that don’t meet your lofty standards of comportment. Along with this shocking news came word that you were seeking to overturn the resolution that came about during the prolonged argument between the two Workers, Roe and Wade. Are you in any way aware of how such action would corrode the morale of the Workers and might well lead to violence and further divisiveness?
The talk around the water-cooler is that you want to allow each state’s government to act as moral arbiters: wresting such matters as same-sex marriage and abortion from the august Supreme Court and depositing them in the hands of far less trustworthy state “leaders.” I can’t help but wonder how the “no sodomy” rule would be enforced. Cameras? Reports from neighbors trimming their hedges close to one’s windows? Special drive-by squads armed with binoculars? And what would the punishment be? Public flogging? Detention in one of our spacious jails?
I’d rather hoped that Mr. Trump would be chosen to represent The Company – at least he gives a boatload of entertainment bang for the buck. Ms. Bachmann would have kept comics provided with material for years (comics need to eat too, you know). Sadly, however, neither of them made the cut and now you are left with your wobbly pillars of smug self-righteousness and eternal moral umbrage. (Mr. Gingrich is going to have to work hard to fashion himself into an icon of the ethical high-road but he seems like a determined and enterprising sort).
I should warn you that those Workers within the Company who possess an IQ that exceeds that of dirt are beating the jungle drums of discontent. Oh, sure, there are a few who salivate about “stockin’ up on ammo” and “Takin’ back Amurica” but we tend to disregard them (and steal their Slim Jims from the lunchroom).
And so, Sirs, I will clear my desk, pack up my flags, tax files, energy and allegiance and move on over to America Incl. I’d like to say that I wish you the best of luck – but I don’t. Quite frankly, you scare the **** out of me.