WTF Politics

Texas Governor Rick "Potato Head" PerryIt seems the man can’t help himself. Perry has reached the topmost bar regarding presidential debate flubs with his now classic “oops” moment not being able to remember which departments he wants eliminated. Perry and Paul seem to be competing on which of their pretend candidacies can eliminate more federal departments. Not that any of this matters, because fortunately neither one will get the chance to do so.

In his latest WTF moment, in a vain attempt to recall the names of the Supreme Court justices, Ricky somehow comes up with “Montemayor?” He goes on to blast the court as “eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges.” Unfortunately, never having majored in math, Rick is embarrassed to ­discover there are actually nine justices on the Supreme Court. This without taking a moment to realize that the current court has ruled heavily in favor of many of the GOP’s more bizarre ideas, such as the “Mysterious Corporate Person” ruling, which made the unaccountable GOP very happy. I suspect Rick would secretly be perfectly content to give the court one more non-accountable, non-activist, environment-hating, immigrant-loathing, hanging judge who believes in creationism.

Crib note found in Rick Perry’s hotel room before the debate:
Sotomayor, Ginsburg, Kagan = icky, horrible, socialist, American-hating, female, activist judges with funny-sounding names.
Scalia, Thomas, Alito, Roberts = really good guys you can take on a hunting trip.
Breyer, Kennedy = not sure who these guys are??? Ask Ron Paul.

In New Hampshire Perry stumbled again by saying “Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote.”  Now most people know that the voting age is 18 in this country. Possibly he confused it with the drinking age, which is 21 (full disclosure: I started much earlier). But occasionally when you go around swaggering, bragging and drinking too much, you can mix things up. Maybe forego those early morning mojito’s before press conferences … just sayin’.

(And just to pile on — the election isn’t on the 12th.)

Now some defend Perry by pointing out that others (meaning Obama – they don’t mention the wild bullshit fabrications of, say, Newt Gingrich) have also made gaffs on the campaign trail, which is rightly so. But had Obama made this many f-ups, he wouldn’t have graduated magna cum laude at Harvard, let alone be sitting in the Oval Office, now would he? So that argument, as Texan’s say, “don’t tote much water, do it?”

With this in mind, here are a few tips you’ll need if you choose to run for public office.

If you run as a Democrat you will need to:

  1. Get straight A’s.
  2. Go to a real school, preferably Harvard.
  3. Have an above average IQ.
  4. Understand Constitutional law
  5. Make sure you’re not a Muslim.

If you run as a Republican you will need to:

  1. Attend a community college or live in Alaska.
  2. Get within spittin’ distance of a C average.
  3. Join a fraternity so someone’s Dad can hook you up with a job if the president thing doesn’t work out.
  4. Avoid military service if your name is Newt or Cheney.
  5. Don’t write a book revealing reasonable positions that you will have to take back later.

If you run as an independent, you will need to:

  1. Grow a pair and stop pretending that you aren’t a Republican.

If you run as a Libertarian, you will need:

  1. A musket
  2. A coonskin cap.
  3. To be able to carve your initials in a tree.
  4. To comb your hair with a wagon wheel and own a blue ox named Babe.

If you run as a Black or Log Cabin Republican:

  1. You may want to get help … that is sort of like being a Jewish Nazi. That level of self-loathing isn’t healthy.

Back to Perry. Never one to shy away from a lit microphone, he went on to refer to the “New Hampshire caucuses.” Which they are not, they are primaries. I’ll give him some room on that one cuz I think the word caucuses is a confusing, silly sounding word.

Perry then went all “Presidential Lite” after stating the U.S. was at war in Iran, instead of Iraq. I’m sure they are both much the same place to him because they touch. If we would just change the maps to say “IraqIranistan,” we could simply bomb the shit out of everything all at once and only have one war.

But maybe we should cut him some slack; Perry graduated in 1972 with a Bachelor degree in animal science with a 2.5 GPA. Folks, that may not sound like much to you, but that’s smokin’ hot smart in Texas. If Iran ever starts launching cows at us, we’ll need a solid Texas C+ student in the White House (déjà vu all over again.)

I suppose we really shouldn’t delve into Ricks political positions, his obsessive use of the death penalty (not to mention his Christian base, which cheers whenever this is mentioned) or his personal beliefs, because no one would believe it. That said, in 2006, Perry said that he “believes in the inerrancy of the Bible and that those who do not accept Jesus as their savior will go to hell.” (Now that’s a lot of people in hell, and I hope he has a government housing program for that.) He later clarified, “I don’t know that there’s any human being that has the ability to interpret what God and his final decision-making is going to be.”

I not only have no idea how you reconcile those two statements, but when I was a kid those were the type of observations that the local nut-job was in charge of, not your president.

As my grandmother used to say, “Normal people don’t say things like that.”

But apparently that’s how far we have come as a people. This is what we now accept as presidential caliber material to be running this country … tater-head stupid.

Image: Composite photo created for ('t wasn't Mr. Irvin or it would have sooo much better).
Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".