Southern Views

Following the Silvio Berlusconi trial in Milan is a real revelation. This is what a real sex scandal is. Not a pathetic one dress/one stain deal like Watergate or whatever we ended up labeling the “Starr crossed” fiasco of the Clinton years.

(Photo by Ricardo Stuckert/PR)

In Italy, when they decide to hold a sex scandal, they do it right. It involves, or is alleged to involve, septuagenarian Prime Ministers, the leading economic and political figures of the nation, beautiful young women by the score (each with a professional angle to play, no relatively innocent young interns here), promises of careers in stage and screen and under-age prostitutes. In Italy such scandals apparently center around “Bunga-Bunga” parties where beautiful young women dine, dance and cavort with gentlemen of advanced age. At the end of the “Bunga-Bunga” portion of the evening, the Prime Minister is alleged to have selected “one or two” of the ladies for a private session of cavorting that lasts the rest of the night.

While nothing that has come out about the Berlusconi scandal, so far, would shock anyone who ever attended a quiet dinner in the Jungle Room at Graceland when the King was in town, these revelations do serve to remind Americans how far we have fallen behind in the political sex scandal business. This need not be so. The fact is, we have a long and illustrious history of scandalous mixing of politics and sex.

Right from the beginning, when George Washington was having so many extramarital liaisons he may well have, quite literally, been the “father of his country,” America showed real promise. Though it seems Abigail kept a close eye on John Adams’ zipper, the very next president has been demonstrated by DNA testing to have had a long sexual relationship with his slave and sister-in-law, Sally Hemmings, half sister of his wife. We have had a President who had a lifelong “spousal” relationship with a Senator from Alabama back when neither Presidents nor senators were female. What can one say about President Harding but that he was a good man at a party and was never far from a paramour, even keeping one in a closet in the White House. Franklin Roosevelt had a long-standing affair with a lady other than his wife, as did President Eisenhower. By all reports, John Kennedy then came along and broke tart records set by Harding that most historians believed to be unassailable.

Yes sir, we Americans have a sex scandal record in the highest office in the land that we can be proud of. At least we did. Not so much anymore. Now days we are governed by what the Governator might call “girlie men” Presidents. Even Clinton, perhaps especially Clinton, falls in to that category. Clinton, for all his reputation to the contrary, was never more than a “slam bam, thank you ma’am” kind of guy. There is nothing inspiring about any of his alleged “conquests.” It seems Clinton enjoyed the guilt more than he did the sex, enjoyed getting away with it if he wasn’t caught and surviving it if he was caught, more than the deed itself. Carter, both Bushes and Obama never rate a credible mention in the sex scandal department. I would like to think Reagan would have spread some legs had he been a bit younger and less senile upon entering the White House, and had Nancy not been imitating Abigail Adams in regards to his zipper. But the fact is, even the most flamboyant and unscrupulous President in our history, Lyndon Johnson, never seemed to engage in any extramarital fornicating while in office.

With the exception of one, pitiful, pathetic little blow job, there has been nothing in the way of presidential philandering since Kennedy. This is a very sad state of affairs.

I do think there might be light at the end of the tunnel. Word has reached me, unsubstantiated word as yet, that South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley is writing her memoirs. Since she is not yet thirty-five, this seems like a strange thing to do. After all, while she has, no doubt, lived a frolic filled life, she has not yet entered into her prime “cougar” years and I fear a memoir penned so prematurely would miss the best parts of the story. However, I am assured that her decision to begin so soon is not a sign of an intended retreat into the nunnery but a step toward raising her national profile. Would that this be so.

Governor Haley is a young woman of, alleged, prodigious appetites. I have no personal knowledge of her appetites but can vouch for the fact that she is an impressive woman of considerable life force when observed in person. I can see why and how the courtiers hanging about the Haley Statehouse could find themselves amenable to her desires, should she have any. Should she ascend to the office of the President, I have no doubt she could be the very person needed to lead our great nation out of our long, dark sojourn in this Puritanical wasteland.

If even half of the rumors and salacious gossip rocketing around the lobby of the Statehouse, and the great and small rooms in which elected leaders and their corporate masters meet to decide our fate, are true, Governor Haley is just the woman for the job. Indeed, if even one quarter of these tales merely approach truth then we may well have a leader the caliber of a Catherine the Great of Russia at our disposal, ready to serve and ready to be serviced.

I am not, of course, saying these rumors, tales and allegations are true. It hardly seems possible that they all could be. Still, when confronted with the growing national sex scandal gap between our great nation and the rest of the world, the very existence of these tales and their young, frisky and beautiful heroine gives me hope for the future.

When I say hope, I mean real hope, not Obama type hope where one is supposed to be happy being screwed. No I mean real hope, the kind of hope that emanates from a woman who, if she is going to screw you, really knows what she is doing.

Mike Copeland

Mike Copeland

I am old enough to know better. I have a B. A. from Birmingham Southern College and a Master's in City Planning from Georgia Tech. I have worked in SC State government for over a decade leaving as the Deputy Executive Director of the State Budget and Control Board, the state's administrative agency. I have owned the Fontaine Company since 1984 and am the managing member of a management, marketing and consulting company.

I am the author of several novels, some of which you may buy and read if you are of a mind to do so.