Uncommon Sense

Justplainwill will now answer your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Do the oil companies really believe that the rest of us really buy that malarkey they put out about why the price of gas is going up? Write [email protected].

Dear Justplainwill:

Everybody is on my butt about the budget. The Sunday morning pundits, Republicans and even Democrats are carping. Naturally, those idiots at Fox News are giving me hell. They all say that $14 trillion is too much debt.

They also say that all I need to do to make the situation right is to do the same things that any American family, sitting around the kitchen table would do to balance their budget. Easy for them to say, they don’t have to maintain a fleet of Stealth Bombers, an Army or have to cut the grass at Yellowstone National Park. They also don’t have that Nosey Bill Clinton or that Crazy-ass Joe Biden inviting themselves over all the time and trying to tell them what to do … even when no one asked either of them a darn thing.

In my efforts to please everybody — ‘bi-partisanship’ they call it — me and the wife put the girls to bed early last night and then sat down to balance the damn budget. Let me tell you, this kitchen table budgeting approach is a lot harder than they said. Ever try to balance trillions of dollars, Justplainwill?

"Not tonight fella, not tonight. Tomorrow night neither, dammit!"

Anyway, by the end of the night, the budget is nowhere near being balanced, I’m pissed off, the wife is mad as hell and needless to say, by the time we turned in, I didn’t get lucky — or anything else.

Justplainwill please give me some tips on how to balance this budget like a typical American family.

Barry O.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Barry:

Don’t fall for that ‘kitchen table’ budget stuff. It’s a total setup. Total. The last guy to fall for this scam was Jimmy Carter. So I’d be careful if I were you.

But since you asked the question and since you are hell bent for leather on trying to please everyone, I’ll tell you how the average American family would handle this situation:

FOREIGN AID. You can do away with most of it. Tell the foreigners that you gave in church when they passed around the collection plate for the foreign missions. Besides, I have it on ‘good authority’ that most foreigners speak a foreign language. For all we know, foreigners are not asking for money, just directions to Disneyworld.

DEFENSE: You know that new sports

"Maybe when the girls are out of college..."

aircraft carrier, the shiny, black U.S.S. Jeremiah Wright model that you and the boys at the Pentagon have been secretly salivating over? Forget it… maybe we can afford it when the girls are out of college.

An alternative to fighting enemies with the latest high tech weaponry is to play a little Aretha Franklin or a maybe Barry White or Smokey Robinson over the back fence. Invite a few enemy leaders over to the house. You know, mellow out for a while. I’d wager that even Muammar Gaddafi likes to get down from time to time. I’m also betting that Hugo Chavez gets in a better mood after a few hits of Chivas Regal. You’ll get to really know him. You know …test his mettle. I figure that ‘a little Aretha’ will get him to come around to our way of thinking. Anybody who can listen to The Queen of Soul and Smokey but still want to fight ain’t really trying.

HEALTH ‘SCARE’: You will need to manage health care differently. Specifically, you’ll practice the Health Scare System. The average American adult male has done this for years: paying to go see a doctor only at the point of a gun brandished by the wife or when you’ve seen blood in the toilet and it scares you s%$&-less. Otherwise, tell sick Americans to “Buck up, fella. Dyin’ ain’t nothing but a thang!”

Also, consider the Voo Doo Option when it comes to health and healing. Voo-Doo is definitley a lot cheaper than an MRI, but approach it carefully. Those birther people might get the idea that you really are kin to some Kenyan witch doctor: prima facie evidence that you were not really born in this country.

POST OFFICE: Quit going to the mailbox, Barry. Don’t ever do it again. Everyone knows that no good news has ever come in the mail, only things that are marked “PAST DUE”, “SECOND NOTICE” or “OCCUPANT”.

Most good news comes in the form of a phone call in which the caller says something like “Mona, I just called the bank. The check for the rent cleared…just barely, but the damn thing cleared. Whew, that was close! We only have $0.87 left in the account but we can rest easy for another month.”

Or good news comes in the form:”The doctor’s office just called. I’m not pregnant. Whew! That was a close call! But listen Clarence, you’re gonna have to get that vasectomy. I can’t be worried like this anymore.”

The average American has a lot of these moments, Barry – and that’s when things are going well!  Note that you will necessarily need to change your current public campaign from “Winning the Future” to “Whew-ing the Future”. Lastly, as I think about it Barry, perhaps a better idea is to just eliminate the damn Post Office altogether. Turn ’em  into Starbucks locations.

RETURN MERCHANDISE: Leave the price tags on all of those knock-off Army and Navy uniforms that we recently bought at that clothing store in the outlet mall on the outskirts of Peking. After our guys have worn them once, return them to the store telling them that you’ve changed your mind and want our money back.

ENTERTAINMENT: In the typical American family this is often termed “cable –TV.” We can’t afford it. Steal …er, rather “re-route” U.S. cable TV from Canada or Telemundo from Mexico. Besides, have you seen what’s on American TV lately? The Charlie Sheen meltdown; Nene Leakes and Meatloaf on Celebrity Janitor or whatever that new Donald Trump Show is called. Canadian and/or Mexican TV can’t be any worse.

LEARN TO CUSS: Bill collectors will definitley be calling you. Learn to cuss — as in “Don’t call my #%&*$%^# house any more you sorry *&^%$#@#&. If I had the *&^%$#@*&^ money, I’d pay you. You’re just going to have to wait for your money like everybody else.” (I hear that Malia speaks a little Mandarin. You might ask her for some pointers on cuss words for dealing with those Chinese creditors.)

Barry, here is some additional unsolicited advice — a bonus as it were:

  1. Relax about the efing budget. None of your critics, particularly the Republicans, knows jack when it comes to making ends meet. Not one of these people has likely ever seen a kitchen table, muchless sat around one. As for the Democrats: they can hardly balance their own checkbook.
  2. $14 trillion my ass! Are you kiddin’ me? No one actually really knows what “a trillion” REALLY is. In all of human history no one has ever seen a trillion anything, much less counted to a trillion. Not one person. Not Bill Gates. Not Ben Bernake. Hell, not even Oprah. Psst! Just between you and me, I think that this whole idea of a trillion is an urban legend … a myth … like Sasquatch, Planet X or the fact that Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson were really the same person.
  3. Even if the notion of a trillion is for real, the bill is not coming due anytime soon. Look at all the damn zeros in a trillion, Barry. There are not enough places to the left of the decimal point in anyone’s computer to calculate that high. None of the computers. Not Chinese computers. Not even Bill Gates’ very own secret IPad. Hell, Barry, its going to take all of the programmers five years to even re-program the computers to count that high. You remember that Y2K thing a few years back? Right. Same thing. Five years, Barry. Five years. By then you’ll be firmly ensconced in your second term.
  4. Lastly, I’d consider completely changing the subject if I were you. Remember that Muslim outfit that Michelle likes for you to dress up in when you both are behind closed doors in the White House’s private quarters? You know, the one that you keep hidden under the bed (in the box next to Michelle’s skimpy Catholic school girl outfit) for when after the girls have said “Good Night’? Yeah, that one. Get it from under the bed. Now, put in on and have that White House photographer guy take a few pics. Now, after you’ve thrown the photographer out of your bedroom, discreetly hide the pics of you fully dressed in Muslim garb in your next iteration of the budget. When the Republicans and the idiots at Fox see it in a few days, talk about being scared s%^&-less, Mitch McConnell will likely have a heart attack and John Boehner will cry — and you won’t have to worry about them ever again. No one will likely bug you about the budget either –ever again. You will have had a few good laughs and VOILA! — your budget troubles are over. You can trust me on this Barry. Good luck with the budget … and Michelle.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Write [email protected].

Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.