Very Common Sense

Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even, “Who does Herman Cain really think he’s foolin’ anyway?” Write Justplainwill.

Deer Jesplanewool: Sum dam phool at my kid’s skool has came up wit the torrible idear for the teecher to grade the payrints. They sez thet theys want us payrens to be more invelvid in they’s  kids larning. I mean I got me thangs to do. Dis is the stoopidesst ideer I’ze ever herd of. Besides, me an my kid does utter stuff, likes smoke, drank and git drunk together. What duz you thank, Jesplanewool? Abner, Jasper, Tex.

Dear Abner:

I see your point. It is clear that a lot of people should be even less involved in their kid’s education — or life. It’s also obvious that some people shouldn’t have had kids in the first place. Abner, look at the idea of teachers grading parents as the government’s way of telling you that they’ve finally figured out who’s messing up the gene pool — and that the authorities are likely on their way. Think of it as an Early Warning System, similar to NORAD … except in this case, it’s NO WAY.

On the lookout for you,


Dear Justplainwill:

Is Martha Stewart part of the solution or part of the problem? She’s pretty annoying, if you ask me. What do you think Justplainwill?

Rachel R.

New York

Dear Rach:

I know what you mean. Martha is infuriating. First, she’s on all channels … every single one. She’s like kudzu. She’s every dam where.  A guy turns on the television and there she is looking right back at you, preaching about how to make doilies or quiche or anything else that’s totally useless. (In order to make quiche, you have to break eggs, mince 87 different kinds of vegetables. I mean you gotta bake that stuff. It takes time, you know!? Heck, most of us need that time to look for jobs on the Internet.)

At the next National Convention of Advice Givers, I plan to have a sit down with her and make it clear that if she insists on meddling in people’s lives then she sure as hell ought to tell them how to do useful stuff like maybe making their own electricity.  The rest of us are in a recession, after all. At the very least, Martha should be teaching people how to steal cable from their neighbors or glom off their internet, something useful like that. You’d think the woman would want to be more helpful.

Your buddy,


Dear Sir:

Do any companies ever really read the resumes that are sent to them over jobsites on the Internet? I have sent out thousands of resumes and not one has ever been selected for consideration. Not a single one. I have excellent qualifications for the jobs for which I am applying. Mr. Justplainwill, I have been laid off since the Bush Administration –the first one — and I really need to a paycheck.


Atlanta, Ga

Dear Larry:

First of all, who the hell are you calling ‘sir’? I may be getting old, but you don’t have to go around calling it to everybody’s attention. I just bet that you’re also one of those young smart asses, who goes around holding doors open for everyone who looks like they shouldn’t be making a lot of long range plans. Jerk.


Now, to answer your question: Yes and No.

In an effort to get to the heart of the matter, your intrepid advice columnist recently visited with the Director of Human Resources of one of the Southeast’s leading companies. Below is a partial transcript of that visit.

JPW: Harry, how do you select which resumes that you are going to consider  for hiring?

Harry: It’s simple, Justplainwill. We scan each piece of paper that we get using artificial intelligence.  The computer looks for certain key words on each page. If we find just two of ‘em, BINGO, we got a hit, and we select that resume.

JPW: So you’re looking for magic words, eh?

Harry: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

JPW: Doesn’t seem like you people get many hits. What are the magic words?

Harry: Will, I could get in a lot of trouble for this, but since it’s you, the words are:‘Beelzebub’, ‘Mashugana’, ‘foreplay’, ‘Alcatraz’,’ porn-star’ and ‘motherf(*&%r.’

JPW: What!? Motherf(*&%r? Mashugana? Come again!

Harry: It’s corporate policy, Will. Most of your better companies do it the exact same way.

JPW: But the chances of anyone having one of those words in their resume, let alone two is…

Harry: That’s the way it is, Will. Like I said: Corporate policy.

JPW: But…but…

Harry: When we get a hit, we call ‘em and tell them to come out for an interview.

JPW: And then you start the formal ‘HR process’ to hire them, right?

Harry: You’re expecting wayyyyyyyy too much, Will. I mean, who’s got that kind of time?

We’re in a recession, you know. We have to reject people real fast.  No, we tell the idiots, who actually come out here that we were just kidding. Well, we don’t use those words exactly. We tell them that there’s a hiring freeze on … ’announced just this  morning’. Or we tell ‘em that they are over-qualified for the job. Like I said, most of your better companies do it the same way. There really no secrets in this business. None…

JPW: So the chances of …

Harry: … winning the Powerball lottery are better than getting hired or having an actual resume being selected. And that’s the way it works, Will. The country has a high rate of unemployment. Our company is proud that we’ve done our part to keep it that way. This is a great country, just the way it is, and we’re are going to do whatever we can to keep it that way.

Larry, by now you get the idea. I am not saying that your resume will never get selected, but I wouldn’t be making any plans to go to any employee picnics anytime soon, if I were you.  Or if you do, plan on the festivities being held next to the Ganges River in India, where all the other jobs have gone.

Your friend,


Write [email protected].

Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.