Southern Funnies

Justplainwill will now take your questions. Need answers about life? Love? Happiness? Homework? Or even ‘really now, does anyone with a lick of sense take Nene Leakes seriously’? Write Justplainwill.

Dear JustPlainWill:

It is said that when one door closes, the universe opens another one.  Is this true?


Woodstock, NY

Dear Moonbeam:


There really is balance in the universe — an ebb and flow as it were… a yin and a yang. So yes, when the universe closes one door, it usually does open another one. Of course, the new door is usually across the street at someone else’s house.

Universally yours,

Dear Justplainwill:

I think that they must be  stalking me.

Why is it that every person talking loudly on a cell phone is always within earshot of me? Always, Justplainwill, always! Usually, it’s some idiot going talking about their ‘baby mama’ drama.  Or they are giving somebody a word for word, blow by blow, instant replay of how they triumphantly just cussed out their ‘baby daddy’.  Or some corporate lout is trying to impress everybody with how important he is. Anyway, whoever it is goes on and on, ad nauseum, blasting out their personal business for everybody to hear.

These loud talkers are relentless. They’re everywhere…and they seem to be closing in on me. Is self-immolation my only option?

Desperate in Atlanta

Dear Desperate:

Loud-mouthed cell phone talkers are the worst!  Their conduct is tantamount to public urination. Typically it’s somebody, who (1) thinks that they are in some kind of ‘a tight’; (2) who exposes their ‘personal business’ to the rest of us and then (3) dumps their personal waste in some unprotected communal area – like ‘the public.’

Clearly, all personal waste elimination should be done behind closed doors.

This includes loud cell phone use.

Not a great seller

As for a solution to the problem, Justplainwill once invented the CELL PHONE HELMET. Sadly it has not been a big seller as an after-market product.

Accordingly, I suggest that you do what I now do. Relax and use these maddening occasions as free entertainment. Just go with the flow! (After all it’s cheaper than cable and we were talking about public urination, weren’t we?) You can also use the garbage being spewed out to confirm your initial, secret suspicions about the obnoxious cell phone loudmouth. As an example, before loud cell phone talking was invented, it used to be that if you wanted to know if some guy was an idiot  or if some  morally challenged girl was ‘a straight up ho’ you had to depend upon gossip, rumor and innuendo. These days, both of them are blasting it all about for all to hear on a cell phone Now you have no doubt.

Otherwise ‘Desperate’, you might want to invest in a fire retardant suit. Cell phone abusers are like cockroaches. They going to be around for a long time and like cockroaches, will also likely survive thermo-nuclear war.

Telephonically yours,

Dear Justplainwill:

Where do babies come from? I am seven years old and I need to know. I can’t find it Wikipedia. I asked my father, who told me to ask my mother. She gave me some song and dance about the stork. Obviously my parents are both stupid. Can you tell me Justplainwill?

Kid  in California

Dear Kid:

That ‘cabbage patch, delivered by the stork’ stuff is tired, worn out and patently untrue. It is a circa 1950’s metaphor, used by parents to avoid telling kids the real facts. The whole thing is shameful, really.

The truth, kid, is this: If you look closely at the bottom of your baby brother’s left foot, you can often see a tattoo that says “Made in China.” (If you don’t see it there then either you’re not looking hard enough or your baby brother is counterfeit. The latter is a problem also associated with Chinese manufacturers. But, I digress…)

Yep, babies are made just outside of Peking, like most everything these days. You can verify this by trying to lift a recently made baby. You can hardly lift him can you? (“This baby feels like lead!!”, is a common exclamation of those people performing this simple test.) It’s likely the very same lead that they use to put in the toys “Made in China” for the American market.

As is shown in the accompanying picture, today’s babies are downloaded via the Internet. This too is a change from the past. It used to be that the only thing that a baby downloaded was a diaper.

Kid, you should also note that babies being made today are new and improved versions of the babies of my day. Today’s babies arrive complete with Social Security Number, PDA’s, Facebook accounts, and websites. They are smart* too: often they can already cry in French. To wit: Like the new Buick’s, these are not your father’s baby (although your father may possibly dispute this claim.)

Lastly, be aware that today’s babies arrive with a certificate which tells the new parent that ‘Your New Baby is a Genius’ and is smarter than everybody else’s baby. And while babies are still not self-cleaning, I am told that the Chinese designers are working on this too.

I hope this has been enlightening for you.

Your friend

*kinda like today’s smartphones.

Write [email protected].

Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.