Southern Funnies

“Gawd, am I glad to be home.”

“You look stressed. Was the drive back that bad?”

“I’m not really tired. It just looks that way. Booger drove like a maniac. Smells good in here. We havin’ pork chops?”

“I thought that you said that Booger drives like an old lady.  By the way, the people at the golf course called. They’ve  found your lost six-iron. ”

“Yippeee. Oh!  Man! Wow!  That’s the club that I hit the hole-in-one with. Man, am I glad to find it.  Anyway,  Booger does drive like a little old woman… most of the time. But he was anxious to get home. His grandson, Brian is coming for a visit.”

“You think that maybe he was also trying to get home to hear the big announcement?”

“What big announcement?”

“You know… on Oprah. She just made the big announcement. A coupla hours ago.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. She’s been teasin’ it all weekend.  You could hardly watch the football playoff games except for Oprah butting in with a tease.  Said it ‘shook her to her core’.  Man, that’s some shakin’. She find out that she’s really one of those Kardashians?  She announce that she’s learned to control the weather too? Did Rush propose to her and now, they are going to own every damn thing in America?”

“No silly.  She…”

“No, no, no.  Let me guess. She’s found a worm hole to a parallel universe and has located her exact twin, who also has a best friend named ‘Gayle’?”

“Well, actually, you’re kinda close.”

“Wha..!? Huh… really?”

“Well, you are… in a way. Oprah’s discovered that she has this younger, half-sister named ‘Patricia’. Her mother had her in 1963, while Oprah was living with her father in Memphis or somewhere. You know, Oprah’s Mom and Dad were divorced and Mom is living in Milwaukee.  Oprah didn’t know that her Mom was pregnant. She was on welfare at the time with no means of support. So she gives Patricia up for adoption just after she delivered. Oprah never knew.”

“And Oprah’s mother never told anyone?”

“Nope. Not until now.”

“ You’re kiddin’? A kind of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’, I guess?”

“Billy, you’re being mean.”

“No, I’m not. I’m happy for Oprah.

“Yes you are being mean. You guys just don’t like Oprah.”

Never cried...

“The woman’s got a lot to answer for in my opinion? I mean it was Oprah who unleashed Dr. Phil on all of us. Any of her so-called ‘favorite things’ have a ‘Winchester’ or ‘Black and Decker’ logo on it? I don’t think so, Missy.  None of that stuff that she gives away can be used by guys. None of it. And wasn’t it Oprah who used to say that it’s OK for men to cry? Well it’s not, dammit.”

“She also says that you guys need to express your emotions more …you know, get more in touch with your feminine side.”

“You’re my feminine side.  And no one ever saw John Wayne cry. Hell, Jim Brown never winced. Never even said ‘ouch!’ Not one time. Not ever.”

“Her ratings are better than the both of them.“

... never even said 'Ouch!'

“Hey, don’t say anything negative about Jim. He was the greatest football player ever. Ever!”

“You’re impossible.”

“I’ve heard that before. So Ol’ Oprah has found her long lost sister, huh”

“Well, actually her long lost sister found her. Patricia says that she’d been tryin’ for a couple of years. You know celebrities are always havin’ people to come out of the woodworks claimin’ that they are related.”

“Sounds like Patricia was pretty classy about the whole thing.   I never saw it coming. Never saw anything in the tabloids when I’m standin’ in line at Serenghetti’s. I gotta give Patricia credit. I guess you could say that she had some kind of ‘amazing grace’. ‘Course, I wonder if she’d have gone to all that trouble if she had found out that she was related to Ted Bundy? Or Jeffrey Dahmer? Or Dick Che…..”

“Stop it, Billy. Ewwwww. You are impossible . You really are. Why don’t you just go over and pick up your six-iron …..and be glad that you found something that you lost.”

“I’m ‘just sayin…’  I am happy for Oprah…and Patricia…and all of ‘em. I really am. I like happy endings. I really I do. I do have one question though.”

“Yeah, what is it mister?”

“How does ‘best friend’ Gayle feel about all of this?”

© Copyright 2011 Will Cantrell

Will Cantrell

Will Cantrell

Will Cantrell (a pseudonym) is a writer, storyteller, and explorer of the milieu of everyday life. An aging Baby Boomer, a Georgia Tech grad, and a retired banker, Cantrell regularly chronicles what he swears are 'mostly true'  'everyman' adventures. Of late, he's written about haircuts, computer viruses, Polar Vortexes, identity theft, ketchup, doppelgangers, bifocals, ‘Streetification’, cursive handwriting, planning his own funeral and other gnarly things that caused him to scratch his head in an increasingly more and more crazy-ass world.   As for Will himself, the legend is at an early age he wandered South, got lost, and like most other self-respecting males, was loathe to ask for directions. The best solution, young Will mused, “was just to stay put”. All these years later, he still hasn't found his way but remains  a son of the New South. He was recently sighted somewhere close to I-285, lost, bumfuzzled and mumbling something about “...writing' his way home.” Of course, there are a lot of folks who think that “Cantrell ain't wrapped too tight” but hope that he keeps writing about his adventures as he finds his way back to the main highway.