Got problems? Have issues? Questions about life, love and happiness? Quit banging your head against the wall. Write Justplainwill.

Dear Justplainwill:
Billboards all over the country are advertising that Jesus is Coming on May 21, 2011. Should I repent? Do I still have to keep paying my bills?
Eddie L.
Lithonia, Ga.

Dear Eddie:

I’ve seen the billboards but I don’t think that there’s… er, well… a snowball’s chance in hell that there will be a “big event” this year. This is likely a scam run by people trying to sell a bunch of factory overrun Second Coming T-shirts. I could be wrong about this, but I don’t think so.

Also, when was the last time that you tried to get a permit from City Hall for a large public gathering. Since Jesus was not born here – an immigrant, as it were – I suspect that City Hall would give Him a hard time about immigration status –you know, ‘controlling the borders’ and all that.  I’ve done some checking and found out that Madison Square Garden, the World Congress Center and the other popular public gathering venues are previously booked all the way through December 21, 2012. This is the very time when the Mayans said that the world is coming to an end.

As far as paying your bills is concerned, those people over at the electric company get pretty touchy about non-payment. Unemployment. Illness. Deluge. Ice storm. Leg amputation. Foot fungus. Volcanic eruption. Impending asteroid. Apocalypse. None of these excuses has ever worked for me and I don’t think that the Second Coming is on their list of acceptable reasons for not paying your bill.

Lastly, as you may be aware, Republican political leaders indicate that their main mission in life is to deny certain leaders from having a Second Term in office.  God only knows how they feel about a Second Coming.

Your friend,

Dear Justplainwill:
I am often asked who were the real heroes of the American Revolution. I say that it was the Founding Fathers. What do you say?
Glen B.
Mount Vernon, Washington

Dear Glen:

It’s obvious, it was the Founding Mothers, the wives of the Founding Fathers. As you may know, Martha Washington, the wife of the first ‘George W.,’ was the first woman to let it be known that “If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.”

Progressively yours,

Dear Justplainwill:
I am a top official of a well-known Southern state. As a result of the 2010 census, our state is getting  more Congressional districts. Yippeeeeee! The problem is that we have to re-draw our Congressional boundaries. Do you have any advice for me on how to do this?
Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Nathan:

More Congressional districts? Re-drawn Congressional district lines? And you’re actually going to go through with it?!? Your kiddin me… right!? You should be warned that such activity normally results in an actual increase in the number of politicians and the number of people running for office. Jeez, Nathan. This only encourages the bastards already in Congress. It’s like giving matches to an arsonist.

Nathan, if you are just hell-bent on making more trouble for the rest of us, I suggest that you first take a look at the current map of Congressional districts. Look at that mess! My own Congressional district seems to start somewhere just east of the Alabama state line, meanders haphazardly eastward throughout middle Georgia, drunkenly staggers southward towards Baxley and ends somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean somewhere in the West Indies.

The second thing I’d do is drop the obvious Drunken Sailor Approach to re-districting.

I’d also suggest that you fire your current gerrymandering adviser, Jim Beam.

Very cautiously yours,

P.S. As an aside Nathan, I am not a real big fan of census-taking either. Not to be a naysayer, but in 2010, counting all the folks in America just could not have been a difficult task. It seems that most Americans were already in line at the unemployment office anyway, which in many places was in the same mall as the U.S. Census office. How difficult is it to go next door and ask the people at the Department of Labor “How many folks y’all got today?” The population count is the same number. How hard is that?

Lastly, I am sure that most census workers are nice people and all but at the end of the day, ‘tallying up’ folks almost always results an increase in the number of politicians. Seems to me that you should only count stuff, if the stuff being counted results in an increase in things that need to be increased – i.e. bank tellers during the lunchtime rush, real live customer service people anywhere or Starbucks locations. Doing anything that will result in increasing  the number of politicians is roughly akin to  increasing the number of Crips and Bloods.

Dear Justplainwill:
I think that the undertaker might be stalking me! Every year, on January 2nd, I receive a calendar from my local funeral parlor. Their motto is “We love to mourn.” By sending me the calendars are they telling me that my days are numbered. Am I paranoid?
Betty W.
Los Angeles, CA.

Dear Betty:

I don’t think that you’ve got much to worry about… at least not for now. It’s when the undertaker starts sending you gifts such as candles and hour glasses that you have to worry…you know, receiving gifts that have the lifespan of say, a mosquito.

Betty, I have a great uncle, who is 102. Earlier this month, from his local funeral emporium, he received a book of matches! If that wasn’t bad enough, along with the matches, he received a carton of Camel cigarettes  and a complimentary book entitled “100 Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking!” And you think you,ve got problems!

Forever yours,

Write [email protected].

Just Plain Will

Just Plain Will

J. P. Will is a noted counselor, spiritual adviser and advice giver to the stars as well as the star-crossed. A former goat-herder and Arctic explorer, Will is the proud holder of a GED as well as a Certificate of Attendance of the Naples, Florida School of Online Tooth Extraction and Snow Removal. He also studied psychotherapy in Vienna, which he proudly points out is located about 75 miles due north of Hahira, Georgia.

All of these accomplishments make him as qualified to give advice as... er, well... anybody else.

In the spirit of full disclosure, there are many who think that Justplainwill is an alter ego of frequent Dew contributor, Will Cantrell ( furthering the notion that Cantrell needs a new, different, and better personality.) On the other hand, Cantrell, in a recent meeting with our editors, vehemently denied and disavowed any knowledge of Justplainwill's existence. (“Just plain who? Never heard of the jerk... that is unless he says that he owes me money”, said Cantrell.) Despite Cantrell's protestations and what we are sure was feigned indignation, we at Offices of The Dew have our suspicions --- especially since no one has ever seen both Justplainwill and Cantrell at the same place at the same time.