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Billboards all over the country are advertising that Jesus is Coming on May 21, 2011. Should I repent? Do I still have to keep paying my bills?
I’ve seen the billboards but I don’t think that there’s… er, well… a snowball’s chance in hell that there will be a “big event” this year. This is likely a scam run by people trying to sell a bunch of factory overrun Second Coming T-shirts. I could be wrong about this, but I don’t think so.
Also, when was the last time that you tried to get a permit from City Hall for a large public gathering. Since Jesus was not born here – an immigrant, as it were – I suspect that City Hall would give Him a hard time about immigration status –you know, ‘controlling the borders’ and all that. I’ve done some checking and found out that Madison Square Garden, the World Congress Center and the other popular public gathering venues are previously booked all the way through December 21, 2012. This is the very time when the Mayans said that the world is coming to an end.
As far as paying your bills is concerned, those people over at the electric company get pretty touchy about non-payment. Unemployment. Illness. Deluge. Ice storm. Leg amputation. Foot fungus. Volcanic eruption. Impending asteroid. Apocalypse. None of these excuses has ever worked for me and I don’t think that the Second Coming is on their list of acceptable reasons for not paying your bill.
Lastly, as you may be aware, Republican political leaders indicate that their main mission in life is to deny certain leaders from having a Second Term in office. God only knows how they feel about a Second Coming.
I am often asked who were the real heroes of the American Revolution. I say that it was the Founding Fathers. What do you say?
Mount Vernon, Washington
It’s obvious, it was the Founding Mothers, the wives of the Founding Fathers. As you may know, Martha Washington, the wife of the first ‘George W.,’ was the first woman to let it be known that “If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy.”
I am a top official of a well-known Southern state. As a result of the 2010 census, our state is getting more Congressional districts. Yippeeeeee! The problem is that we have to re-draw our Congressional boundaries. Do you have any advice for me on how to do this?
More Congressional districts? Re-drawn Congressional district lines? And you’re actually going to go through with it?!? Your kiddin me… right!? You should be warned that such activity normally results in an actual increase in the number of politicians and the number of people running for office. Jeez, Nathan. This only encourages the bastards already in Congress. It’s like giving matches to an arsonist.
Nathan, if you are just hell-bent on making more trouble for the rest of us, I suggest that you first take a look at the current map of Congressional districts. Look at that mess! My own Congressional district seems to start somewhere just east of the Alabama state line, meanders haphazardly eastward throughout middle Georgia, drunkenly staggers southward towards Baxley and ends somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean somewhere in the West Indies.
The second thing I’d do is drop the obvious Drunken Sailor Approach to re-districting.
I’d also suggest that you fire your current gerrymandering adviser, Jim Beam.
Very cautiously yours,
P.S. As an aside Nathan, I am not a real big fan of census-taking either. Not to be a naysayer, but in 2010, counting all the folks in America just could not have been a difficult task. It seems that most Americans were already in line at the unemployment office anyway, which in many places was in the same mall as the U.S. Census office. How difficult is it to go next door and ask the people at the Department of Labor “How many folks y’all got today?” The population count is the same number. How hard is that?
Lastly, I am sure that most census workers are nice people and all but at the end of the day, ‘tallying up’ folks almost always results an increase in the number of politicians. Seems to me that you should only count stuff, if the stuff being counted results in an increase in things that need to be increased – i.e. bank tellers during the lunchtime rush, real live customer service people anywhere or Starbucks locations. Doing anything that will result in increasing the number of politicians is roughly akin to increasing the number of Crips and Bloods.
I think that the undertaker might be stalking me! Every year, on January 2nd, I receive a calendar from my local funeral parlor. Their motto is “We love to mourn.” By sending me the calendars are they telling me that my days are numbered. Am I paranoid?
Los Angeles, CA.
I don’t think that you’ve got much to worry about… at least not for now. It’s when the undertaker starts sending you gifts such as candles and hour glasses that you have to worry…you know, receiving gifts that have the lifespan of say, a mosquito.
Betty, I have a great uncle, who is 102. Earlier this month, from his local funeral emporium, he received a book of matches! If that wasn’t bad enough, along with the matches, he received a carton of Camel cigarettes and a complimentary book entitled “100 Reasons Why You Should Start Smoking!” And you think you,ve got problems!
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