Dear Holiday Occupant:

It’s been a tough year, but I am sending you a 25lb sack of “Happiness” for Christmas anyway… use it sparingly, I couldn’t afford the 50Lb sack this year and you’ll have to make it last. I know the label says “Manure” but to a dung beetle that is 25lbs of pure happy.

I would have sent you a small package of “Good Will Towards Man” as well, but it is in very short supply this year. There is a rumor that Dick Cheney and Halliburton sold most of it on the black market at a phenomenal profit and BP used the rest to plug up the blown well in the Gulf.

Due to cutbacks this year we are only doing the “The Three Days of Christmas” this year instead of the usual 12. I mean who the hell needs 8 maids a milking anyway.

I have been a little bitter this holiday season, I got tired of my pompous neighbor bitching about the immigration problem and all the Mexicans flooding “his” country so I called the INS on his landscaping crew and on “the illegal’s” building his new 80 foot stacked stone wall before it was finished. So now his yard looks like shit and I feel a little better… Except I felt crappy cuz I turned the Mexicans in, so I bought them all beer and hired them to do my lawn.

But I would like to thank my neighbor from the bottom of what’s left of my small, blackened, secular, left-wing heart for the most wonderful cookies and pistachios. It was heartwarming that someone would take the time to cook me an entire batch of cookies, but next year please don’t have that that huge, idiot-savant boob husband of yours deliver them, it took me hours to get him out of my house. I was hoping to enjoy those Christmas cookies, but before you could say “Palin shot a Moose” my youngest imbecile and my wife descended upon the cookies like a pair of starving piranhas arguing over a fat man’s ankle, nothing was left but crumbs and a few streaks of blood.

I’d love to invite everyone over for a drink during the holidays, but there are only two gallons of Chivas left and I will need all of it to endure family dropping in. If I’m not comatose when my sister’s husband stops by the police and the EMT’s will have a hell’uva a mess to clean up. I swear that man is an idiot.

I decided not to hang any Christmas lights this year; instead I opted for a couple of military grade 12,000 watt halogen spotlights so I can get a better shot at anyone sneaking up on me. Santa better dress in camo this year or he’ll end up on my dinner plate.

No tree this year. Trees used to be free, you walked into the woods with an axe, cut one down and dragged it home, yeah, it was a pain in the ass, but it was free. Now, a 6 foot, Hybrid Blue Cedar Shetland Spruce from Madagascar puts you back $148 bucks, plus a tip to the 4 fingered, toothless, country freak for tying the damned thing to your car and giving you a cup of crappy hot cider that has stuff floating around in it that I’m damn sure is not cinnamon. Instead, I’ve strung the cat with 500 blinking lights and ornaments. I call him “The Kringle Kat” and it’s really cool watching him walk around in the dark with all the lights blinking, even cooler if you happen to be smokin’ a little something, just sayin’. The 150 foot extension cord allows him to go outside and to drop off Christmas presents to all my neighbors.

Maybe you can answer this question – WTF is with this “instant inflatable Christmas crap”? You know all those stupid inflatable snowmen, snow globes and penguins everyone puts in their yards? Is it some sort of neighborhood warning system to help identify the locations of complete f—ing idiots lives who don’t know any better than to buy stupid, creepy lookin’ plastic shit?” (you know who you are) I did notice that a homeless guy moved into my neighbor’s snow globe, so maybe they are not a complete loss.

Due to the economy I am making everybody Christmas presents this year; it will be all very personal and homespun. Everyone is getting a f—king sock puppet, made from (you guessed it) old socks and some buttons I had lying around. Unfortunately there was an odd number of buttons so someone will get a “visually challenged puppet.” And there is also one really old, saggy, wrinkly, butt-ugly sock that smells really bad, so some lucky someone will get a “Mitch McConnell” for Christmas.

Well, I’m exhausted from all of this Christmas revelry, my best wishes for you and yours in the coming year (You’re are going to need them)

On that note I will leave you with a few foolish and sentimental holiday wishes:

May the burden of family always be upon you

May pleasure and frivolity invade your life like roaches

May your dinner always be hot and your beer cold

May odd occurrences and chance encounters follow you everywhere

May children ask you questions and adults ask your advice

May unexpected mistakes turn into happy accidents

May you have too much to do and not enough time to do it all

May quiet moments sneak up on you often

May you always find those missing receipts

May stray dogs find you and old friends seek you out

May you find as much beauty in weeds as in flowers

May the elevators in which you ride play only good music

May old memories bring pain, joy and a smile to your face

May wisdom seek you out and move in with you

May you always have enough change in your pocket

May family show up unexpectedly (and leave by Saturday)

May your pain be endurable, your patience endless and your children happy

And finally .

Have a Merry Damn Christmas, a Happy Holiday, a Joyful Hanukah, a Blissful Kwanza, a Fantastic Festivus and a Happy New Year to everyone no matter whom the hell you pray to!

Trevor Stone Irvin

Trevor Stone Irvin

Illustrator and Designer living in the Candler Park area...At one time I worked at the Atlanta Constitution and then for CNN at the all seemed too much like real work so I went freelance...which my father defined as "being unemployed for a real long time".

  1. Will Cantrell

    “Me likes” this piece Trevor. “Me likes”. Great piece. I think that you are my favorite Christmas Curmedgeon. Merry Christmas dammit. Will

  2. Sister’s Husband???? He’s a nice guy.

  3. Darby Britto

    Disclosure: I love Christmas. That said, this was hysterical.

  4. Please leave your wife and run away with me. I think I love you.

    1. My wife has given me permission to run away with you … She says you are getting the worse end of the stick. Should I meet you on the underpass or the overpass?

  5. You’re supposed to tip the guy to put the tree on the car?!? That expains a lot.

    Have a great Christmas/Holiday Season Trevor. Remember, you’re suppose to be happy, so smile even if you have to do it through clenched teeth.

  6. T-Turd,

    I can read inbetween the lines on this latest story. Love you too dude and kiss my gazebo as well. It was a warm touching story…Janna will be mine soon! Keep up the great work.

  7. Hybrid Blue Cedar Shetland Spruce from Madagascar? Where do you come up with this stuff?

    Merry Post Christmas

    1. Steve Valk

      “Hybrid Blue Cedar Shetland Spruce from Madagascar? Where do you come up with this stuff?”
      Knowing Trevor as I do, I could reveal the orifice from which he extracts this information, but it would put you off your breakfast.

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