I can’t believe all you whining slackers out there sitting on your lumpy sofas complaining about not having a job. It’s the third millennium, people, wake up and get to work. Because I’m going to tell you exactly how you –yes even you– can get a 6 figure job with great benefits. And that’s just the beginning.

We’re talking top dog, king of the hill, big cheese, leader of the pack kinds of jobs. You won’t be doing grunt work like you have in the past. You’ll be a bona fide top executive with scads of plebes to kick around. Your house. Your rules. You can spend your days playing online games with FREE HIGH SPEED INTERNET while those people you used to work for do all the heavy lifting.

But wait, there’s more. Are you sitting at home alone? Friendless? Never invited anywhere? Not after you follow my plan.

People with piles of money will invite you for breakfast, lunch, cocktails and dinner almost every day. You’ll be in demand at parties, no matter how big a social loser or mental midget you are. You’ll take free weekend trips and vacations. You’ll be on TV. You’ll get so many gifts you won’t know what to do with them. You’ll even be able to wangle a book deal – and not even have to write a word of it! How cool is that?

This is not a joke or a scam. You won’t find it on Craig’s List. This, my friends, is the real deal. And better yet, no real ability or training is required!

You can go from gutter to top of the world in no time at all. Nothing matters except your desire to have the job. More and more people are following this plan and finding their way to real long-term riches, great retirement plans, and health benefits for life. They aren’t worrying about social security or medicare – and you won’t have to either! Once you’re elected Governor or Senator or Congressperson all that will come easy.

All you need is a few million dollars (nothing’s free, buddy) that you made doing, well, whatever. You could have been robbing banks or ruining the environment. Stealing from government programs or destroying the economy. Or running a major corporation. So long as you have the Benjamins it doesn’t matter. We can even spin you a better past.

Don’t fret about spending millions for a shot at a job that doesn’t pay near what you’re spending; the side bets you make while you’re sitting in the big chair will carry the next two generations of your family, easy.

You could choose to do this the old-fangled way: Prove yourself through years of public service and work your way up through the RepubliCrat party. Maybe someday get your shot. But my way is guaranteed faster.

What? It’s not my fault that you don’t have the millions you’ll need. But there’s still time for you. Remember, nobody will care where you got the money except the people you took it from. (Earned money is okay, too, but who does that anymore?)

One poster child for this method is carpetbagger and Daddy Warbucks impersonator Rick Scott, who seems to have been asleep at the wheel when the company he ran was accused of the country’s biggest Medicare scandal ever and got hit with a $1.7 billion fine (“Mistakes were made”). This qualifies him to apply to lead the state of Florida, where he plans to put people back to work by firing state workers, – his plan so far. At the current salary of @$133k/a, Rick will have to govern Florida for nearly 376 years to earn back the $50 million he’s reportedly spent on the primary alone. That’s dedication.

Other very rich people are successfully using their own millions to get elective government jobs. Meg Whitman (CA) is spending $100 million; Linda McMahon, (CT), $50 million; Michael Bloomberg (NY Mayor) spent $108 million and Rick Snyder (MI), $6 million. Who’s buying your elections? It could be you!

Step 1 is to get really rich. Of course, there’s no guarantee you’ll get the job. Just ask Jeff Greene (FL) $6 million; or Al Checchi (CA) $39 million. But once you’ve got your hands on that kind of money to start with, your job hunting troubles are over.

And maybe the losers just didn’t spend enough. After all, we deserve the best government money can buy. It’s a tradition.

Glenn Overman

Glenn Overman

Glenn Overman doesn't share much personal information not because he doesn't like or trust you personally, but because some of those people reading over your shoulder are just whacked. He's been everywhere, but he lives in NE FL and is fond of saying, "It's not the heat, it's the stupidity."

  1. Will Cantrell

    Amen, brother. ‘Course if the “Run for Governor or Congressman Plan doesn’t work, one can start their own religion and build a one of those mega-churches. Good article, Glenn. Will

    1. Really, the church thingy is probably more of a sure thing. When I paid a visit to Brunswick across the marsh the other day, I was struck by how just about all the vacant store-fronts along the main drag through town were suddenly home to churches and ancillary institutions (meditation rooms, outreach centers). So, I went home and looked in the phone book (the commercial one with ads) and found that 16,000 people are now served by 162 churches. Color me suspicious.
      Maybe it’s because our neighbor across the street in New Hampshire got together with some friends and organized a new church, not long after he and his wife settled into the house we sold them, and it soon became obvious that this eleemosynary institution was to serve as a sort of poor man’s country club, where they do all their socializing in their tax-exempt (albeit) modest digs. That doesn’t really rub me the wrong way. What gets me is the motor home they bought after he retired so they could motor down to Florida in the winter, stopping with various eleemosynary associates along the way to swing a hammer at a Habitat House or new rectory for a couple of days and write the expense of their behemoth machine (gets about 7 miles to the gallon) off as a charitable contribution. Meanwhile, and this is what really frosts me, in addition to having the monster sit outside my bedroom window all summer, is that, while they are snowbirding in the South, the neighbors have to look after their untenanted house. You’d think, them being so charitable and all, they’d offer their domicile to some of our homeless folk. But, no, the place sits there unoccupied and during untoward weather events that hit the national news, they’ll call the neighbors to make sure the house is all right.

      P.S. When I was about six I wrote a report of my trip to the Oktoberfest which the teacher informed my mother was really imaginative and showed a creative flair. Thing is the report was entirely factual; it was the behavior being reported that was unbelievable. Ditto for the above; there is no exaggeration.

  2. Frank Povah

    Well said Glenn and Will.

    It’s apparently not enough that Kentucky is plagued by high unemployment, widespread poverty and poor health, but I hear that Lexington is soon to have a $15 m (I have heard as high as $30 m) “worship center” built on the site of a former department store.

    The developers say they are currently in the process of fund raising.

    They’d better not ask me unless I’m guaranteed a cut of the take.

  3. Cliff Green

    Frank, let’s not be too hasty in condemning the “worship center” in Lexington. If your horses had swooned in sight of the finish line at Keeneland Race Course as many times as mine have, you would understand better the need for a place to pray and meditate and weep.

  4. Glenn, like Monica’s tale of her former house, your article might have too much truth in it to be properly fiction. And you didn’t even include how a person could turn running for election into a cottage industry. It is to weep, but I would rather laugh, just as soon as I figure out how.

    Good job of writing, very good job.

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