The poetically inclined amongst the Tea Party have suggested a slight updating to Emma Lazarus moving poem affixed to the Statue of Liberty. We here at the Dew are pleased to be the first to bring you this stirring, patriotic tome with notes from the original, outdated verse.

The New Colossus (what a weird name, let’s beef it up. The Incredible Hulk sounds more American)

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

(are these the same Greeks asking for handouts! You bet it ain’t him. How about we change this to André the Giant.)

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

(Who body slams Abdulah the Butcher! Take that you Arab cut throat!)

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

(sea-washed with our mighty BP oil! What’s more American than oil and beaches!)

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

(OMG! This is so about Sarah Palin!)

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

(You want to see lightning? Visit Sarah when Levi comes to dinner!)

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

(Mother of teenage mother with her rifle in hand…watch out Levi!)

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

(command and wink at the same time! You betcha!)

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

(We got to change this to twin towers and keeping mosques out and finding that birth certificate)

“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

(keep people from ancient lands the hell out!)

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

(Give it a rest you welfare queens!)

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

(and show me your papers, please)

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

(OK, you got to be kidding, keep your wretched refuse to yourself. Errr, unless you want to do a little housework in Wasilla for under minimum wage)

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

(we can change this tempest-tost to subprime mortgage lost and don’t be sending the homeless to me the lazy bums)

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

(and bid you Get Lost!)

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Billy Howard

Billy Howard

Billy Howard is a commercial and documentary photographer with an emphasis on education and global health.

3 Comments
  1. Uh, a single poem does not a “tome” make–a tome is a “volume” as in a book–for instance, a volume of poems. Again, not a single poem. This seems just the sort of error a Tea Partier would make though I’m sure if any of them came across it, they wouldn’t catch the misuse.

    1. Billy Howard

      I shall throw myself upon my sword and no more shall I confuse a simple poem with a tome. Thanks for catching my taboo error.

  2. For some reason I only saw this today… Billy, love this. I enjoyed reading it as much as you enjoyed writing it. And sometimes writing is just for the fun of it. Illustration is great also (whoever does the Dew art is great).

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