Last week, I was feeling too embarrassed to talk to you about the problem I constantly talk to myself about, but you seemed able to figure out the issue and cut through my reticence and embarrassment, for which I thanked you profusely at the time. Apparently, for men my age, this is not unusual, and I appreciated your seemingly skillful handling of this sensitive, for me, issue.
I listened closely when you carefully listed all the caveats associated with these surprisingly little pills and read the interaction and associated literature with close attention. Honestly I laughed to myself when we covered the potential for a “4 hour problem” and later daringly teased my wife with this information. But we prepared for our weekend as though it were routine, despite the fact that dalliance was in the air once again for the first time in some months.
And, unfortunately, this is what has brought me to write you this letter.
Doctor, I know you’re a professional man, and I don’t know if you’re a TV watcher, especially around what folks like me consider dinner time. But on Friday evening, after I saw you and had my prescription filled, I was shocked by a commercial for the very product you prescribed for me. It was a kind of over-the-top metaphor that I just dismissed as fiction. I must have assumed it was only supposed to give us ordinary people– well, ideas.
But you know what? At dinner we had some wine, and I took one of those pills. Then, as is my wont, I was helping my wife put away the dishes and clean up the kitchen. It was, all told about 15 minutes later that our island sink began to flood water all over the counters and the floors—just like in the commercial.
The sink overflowed, and then the kitchen walls actually dissolved. I lifted my wife up and sat her butt in the sink like in the commercial, but that didn’t stop anything. In fact, before I knew what was happening, she was leading me through the dissolved kitchen walls into a garden I had never seen before like she was in a trance.
There were two bath tubs in that garden, and my wife made me sit in one and then she went and sat in the other. Water was running everywhere. And I was the one took the pill.
Then a voice told me if I had an erection lasting more than four hours, I should call you, and I remembered you had told me that before, and I did have one sitting in that bath tub, but I thought the water would cool and it would be alright, because my wife was apparently asleep in the other tub and I didn’t want to bother her none. And then it seemed like it might have been four hours. So I called you.
I appreciate your taking my call, but I’m afraid I have to end our doctor/patient relationship.
Your decision to send a TV News Crew to my house did not sit well with me, or with my wife, who by that time had a serious skin wrinkling problem from sitting in all that water for so long. Also, the wood flooring in our kitchen was ruined, and the exterior walls of our house had apparently dissolved. And we have a mold issue.
The fact that we were outdoors exacerbated our problems, and I am happily surprised that we have no further health issues from that incident. I feared we would develop ammonia or bronchitis or something worse, especially after my skin split in sensitive areas. And the dehumidifiers and fans to dry out the house almost gave us bronchitis a second time. And there’s the whole issue of the prunification of my wife’s privacies.
I must therefore ask you to please send my medical records to the address you have on file.
My attorneys will be contacting you regarding the repairs to my kitchen and yard, and the ER and follow up bills we have incurred. We may also pursue emotional damages resulting from the TV coverage.
I had a lot of respect for you, Doctor, and am sorry for how this turned out, but you should pay better attention to the stuff you prescribe. The people who make it don’t seem to have any concerns or morals. They even seem proud enough to literally show it on television. I don’t know what the world is come to.
Also I am sure you must know this was not the experience I was hoping for, which is yet another disappointment from our sad medical community.