I like my celebrities on TMZ

All vulgar and nasty and ugly to see

Not dressed up refined in Vanity Fair

Where everyone has such impeccable hair

I like my celebrities vile and repulsive

Like Mel Gibson embracing his lower impulses

Screaming in tantrums and murderous rages

Not like his smile on People’s gloss pages

Looking at mug shots of all that was innocent

Lindsay and Britney faking at penitent

Then mocking us all with a straight middle finger

At first they’re demur but watch for their stinger

Our daily routines only seem that much smaller

When even Tom Cruise can be photographed taller

None of us helped by Photoshop’s magic

We look at ourselves and see only tragic

Even Hugh Grant, his humor sublime

Was caught in a car with a tramp named Divine

We forgave him his trespass, gave him a sermon

No one compared him to sweet Pee Wee Herman

So please do not scoff when I turn on the telly

And watch as the icons lose their blush and turn smelly

My life, so it seems, is not bloody hell

At least when compared to Lindsay’s jail cell

The news of the world is too hard to take

Oil spills, wars, and the earth set on bake

So pardon me if I just turn the station

and ignore the pundits on immigration

There’s something I heard that I’ve just got to see

a photographer was punched stalking Angelina Jolie

his nose in a bandage but the photos a hit

‘cause beside her was someone who wasn’t Brad Pitt