Dear Rush:

First let me say that I admire your dogmatic approach to defending the lies, half-truths, and other space age theories of your fellow conservatives.  You are to be commended on your willingness to get down in the muck and the mud– and sling it far and wide hoping it tags someone.  It usually does.  Wonderful tactic.  And when you couple that with an absolute lack of knowledge about anything, you’ve got a winning combination.  It’s no wonder folks at the EIV pay you the big bucks.  See Rush, only in America could a dullard with a God complex become successful.  But let me stay on task here.

I’d like to address your recent comments about me, and this nightmarish recession all Americans are dealing with.  Your claim about me causing this terrible calamity to punish white people is correct.   And now that you’ve finally figured out my masterstroke, I’d like to try and explain what my thinking is.

I don’t like white people.  Yes.  I can freely admit that to you now.  You have figured out my secret.  Yes I know I am half white, but I’ve never felt anything remotely positive from my white half– therefore I am compelled to reject it and all the deviousness that comes from it.  You say black people were oppressed for centuries, and I am here to right those evil wrongs.  I humbly submit to you that your assertion is totally rooted in truth.  I am the president, Rush.  Me.  A black man.  Do you know what it feels like to tell a white man to fetch me an apple?  Or a delicious double cheese from Hell Burger? Oh the irony is rich my friend.

Everyday I drink it in, as Michelle and I throw darts at a nude David Axelrod.  White comeuppance is here at last, and all it took was for the rubes in the heartland to appeal to their white guilt, and cast a ballot for a son of Kenya/Indonesia/ Hawaii– that fake American state.  My mother always told me I was fiendishly clever.  Then again, I never put much stock into what she said–she being white and all.

I never expected anyone to find out I was a foreign national born in an Indonesian jungle.  The Hawaii ruse was as elaborately crafted as any conspiracy plot ever devised.  Even more clever than the Trig Palin-Sarah Palin son-mother hoax (And that my friend is saying something).  Think, Rush.  Think about how long it took to inject this phony I’m an American sentiment into my bloodstream.  It has taken years to develop this plot, and the stress and logistical challenge of involving the state of Hawaii, Illinois, the entire continent of Africa, the Democratic party, the FBI, CIA, and the American people was unimaginable.  Wow!  And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for your keen intellect and big microphone.

(to be continued…)

Matthew Wright

Matthew Wright

Matthew Wright, originally from Connecticut, is a blogger and budding freelance writer. He is heavily interested in politics and public policy. His aim is to encourage real debate between real people. Real change begins on the grassroots level, not in the media. He attended the University of Hartford in West Hartford,Connecticut, and now makes his home in Atlanta, Georgia. He also makes a mean lasagna.