It was during breakfast in Seattle that I had to choose between killing dust mites and looking good naked.

You see, the booths at the hotel café had individual TV monitors. The programming consisted of the major networks, the two cable news channels, endless NCIS reruns, and a veritable goldmine of infomercials.

A “goldmine” you scoff? Consider:

As I took the first sip of my double quad skinny mocha with extra whipped cream, I was given the chance to learn “Seductive Hair Secrets.” I quickly found out that I would get more out of the technique if I were female and had hair. Onward.

“Burn Fat and Lose Weight” sounded like too much trouble, but I had to admit the logic was inescapable.

The next one hit home: “Kill Dust Mites.”   I’ve read enough horror stories to know that every home is overrun with dust mites. And I know that I should be petrified that even one of the hideous creatures might violate my body, even while I was burning fat and losing weight. However, the solution to my dust mite occupation was what looked like a feather duster attached to a wet/dry vacuum cleaner. Apparently it worked, because the young woman following the dust mite killer equipment operator was beside herself, even when Mr. Killer stuck the duster thingy into the bathtub.

The next one promised me a “Perfect Bikini Body.” Yeah, right.

Next was “Look Good Naked.” A riveting and well-worded title.  I felt it was my civic duty to investigate and see if there was any actual nudity being shown. We all know the answer to that, now don’t we?

I was offered a “Free Shop Mop” with a 24 inch crevice tool and a large capacity cup. I passed because I couldn’t think of any use I would have for a 24 inch crevice tool. Plus they were a tad vague about what the large cup was for.

The last of this informational overload was “Dance Away The Pounds.” It, too, was a little thin on details: there was no mention of how much dancing and how many pounds.

I got to thinking there would a huge savings in production and talent costs if some these epics were combined. Just think of the possibilities: Kill Dust Mites While You Dance Away The Pounds Naked For A Perfect Bikini Body and your own Shop Mop with a 24 inch crevice tool.”

It has blockbuster written all over it.

Mark Johnson

Mark Johnson

Mark Johnson is a professional mentalist and mind reader who presents his unique and unforgettable program to conventions, college and universities, sales meetings, private parties, business and civic clubs and more. He has also appeared at the Punchline Comedy Club in Atlanta and produces, along with Jerry Farber and Joe M. Turner, Atlanta Magic Night at the Red Light Cafe in Midtown. He is a member of the Psychic Entertainers Association, the International Brotherhood of Magicians, the Georgia Magic Club,Buckhead Rotary Club and Friends of Jim The Wonder Dog. You can learn more at He is the author of three books: "Living The Dream," the story of the first ten years of FedEx; "Superman, Hairspray, and the Greatest Goat On Earth," a collection of mostly true stories;, and "Yes Ma'am, You're Right: The Essential Rules For Living With A Woman."  Mark's day job is as a freelance writer and communications and marketing consultant. Mark has traveled around the world twice but has never been to Burlington, Vermont. He does not eat beets or chicken livers, and he has never read "Gone With The Wind." He is the only person he knows who was once a card-carrying member of the International Brotherhood of Ventriloquists. He is a fifth generation Atlantan,  the father of three, and the grandfather of five. All offspring are demonstrably perfect. He lives in Smyrna with his wife Rebecca (aka The Goddess) and two dogs: Ferguson, an arrogant Scottish terrier; and, Lola, a Siberian husky who is still trying to figure out what the hell she's doing in Cobb County.