cialis_levitra_viagraThe industry built around repairing equipment failure in American men is huge, larger, when you factor in the costs of research, regulatory clearance, marketing and sales (at $17 bucks a pop for Viagra, Levitra, Cialis) than the combined economic output of Surname, Somalia, Belize, Monaco, and Sierra Leone. And it’s worth every cent.

There are a few things a guy doesn’t chintz on. Along with good tires and good scotch, a working organ is one of them. Yet, all things aren’t equal.

In the twelve years since Viagra hit the market no equivalent pharmaceutical has yet been introduced to treat sexual dysfunction in women, even as a second wave of meds for problematic male appendages is headed to market.

An Atlanta company, Sciele Pharma, is taking its drug for the treatment for premature ejaculation to the FDA this month. The drug, with no name (only the identifier PSD502), is an aerosol you spray on the end of your penis five minutes before sex. If you’re wondering, what is premature ejaculation? The company and the medical community – through research involving both partners – concluded ejaculation a minute or less after penetration is premature. So, at least some of us can breathe easy.

The question of why drug companies haven’t yet come up with a treatment for women to make sex more enjoyable is a complex conundrum of physiological and psychological factors. What it comes down to, according to the pharmaceutical industry bible, the Merck Manual, is women, unlike men, think too much about sex instead of just doing it. According to Merck, the most proven pharmaceutical treatment for women’s sexual lack of interest, insecurity, and inability to orgasm – among numerous other sexual hang-ups — is antidepressants. They work in 80 percent of cases.

Contrast that with men, who can be treated with an aerosol, and you begin to appreciate the vast divide between how men, and how women, regard sex.

Imagine this scene, if you will, with the woman you love.

Her: “Honey, I’ve had a long day, I’m tired, and I’m just not in the mood, can we just cuddle and go to sleep?”
You: “Hold still, just a second.”
(You pull out a Lemon Pledge-sized can of “Be My Baby Tonight” and aim it at her and press the nozzle.)
“Pffffffffffft!” and wait five seconds for the med to work its magic.
“How ’bout now, baby?”
Her: Screams, cries, remorseless sobbing.
You:“Whaat? Whaaaaaaat?”

There are, face it, simply some aspects of women’s sexuality men just don’t get. Dr. Janice Epp, a clinical psychologist for the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, in San Francisco, condensed women’s attitude toward sex pretty well in an story that ran in Forbes magazine.

“There are just so many variables that go beyond physical in sex for women,” said the researcher. “They want to be treated as equals; to be treated respectfully; to not be angry. Without all that, women are not interested in sex.”

Yet, for all that, you just never know. I did a little checking around and, sure enough, help is on the way.

There are a few female sex drugs in the FDA pipeline that could, one of these days, make the world a much happier and vastly more sexually satisfied place for men and women. Because of the idiosyncratic nature of women and their sexual impulses and dysfunctions, some of the drugs for women are actually administered to men. And, ok guys, it’s not always voluntary. Still, the research, methods, and findings from these scientific studies are pretty darn impressive.

Drug name: Dejerkstra
Dejerkstra is a selective Serotonin Reuptake Male Pig Inhibitor (SSRMPI), that showed encouraging results in a Phase II study of 191 male patients with a Baseline Male Pig Disorder Factor (BMPDF) of 7,412, on a sliding scale where Mahatma Gandhi is 3 and Howard Stern is 228,604,719. Male subjects were administered the drug 1 to 2 hours before they were supposed to pick up a woman and take her out for Valentine’s dinner, but instead went to a strip club, got drunk, and took home a hooker. Results showed the 60 mg. and 100 mg. doses significantly reduced the BMPDF compared to a placebo, but were notably less pharmacologically efficacious than hitting the male with a two by four.

Drug name: Buzzoffjackzac
Buzzoffjackzac is the first of a new generation of Male Mood Modulators (MM&Ms), and comes in six flavors (regular, peanut, lemon, motor oil, beer and dirt). It is administered to the male by the female from a safe distance using a tranquilizer gun. In clinical tests, the most commonly reported adverse events were headaches, flushing, and 2-5 years for aggravated assault.

Drug name: Dropdeadfinal
Dropdeadfinal results in early case studies were discouraging when riots broke out in Chicago. But the drug, administered to males, has shown promise in second phase double-blind studies in reducing animosity, aggression, stupidity, bad table manners and emotional aloofness by rendering males semi-conscious so they can be easily boxed up and shipped overseas.

Drug name: Trollnoxaswine
Trollnoxaswine, a Class III, Protease, Amino-Acid-Refluxed Slap-Happy-Go-Luckiness-Inducer (PAARSHGLI), produces a pyscho-pseudo lobe lumbar sensation of well-being in female patients in the company of clinically loutish men. Trollnoxadic works through suppression of the female’s naturally occurring gag reflex through the inducement of blindness and complete and total loss of hearing. In a three-week, placebo-controlled study of 718 divorcees, after taking Trollnoxadic 17 women chose to remarry, selecting men who were physically repulsive, had no jobs, no future, no personality, no sense of humor, and, frankly, just wouldn’t shut up. Trollnoxaswine comes in two forms: a fast-acting dry powder that is inhaled; and slow-acting sponges that are epoxied under each armpit. Side effects include: splitting headaches, chafing and leprosy.

Drug name: Prointhezac
Prointhezac is a Class XXXVII Total Ignominious Submission Inducer (TISI). A liquid, it’s administered through a tube attached to a small bottle affixed to the female’s head. In Class II trials, 87 percent of men didn’t notice the woman was under a doctor’s medication so long as she was chesty and naked. Prointhezac works by increasing serotonin levels in the female while lowering expectations to the point she thinks Donald Trump is sexy. Side effects include: the urge to buy a trailer and move to Arkansas.

Drug name: Medespisemethene
Medespisemethene is a Class I Anahydrous Neurosithrope Ropeadope (ANR) that  works by overloading the MT8 and MT16 brain receptors believed to regulate the female’s promiscuity and morning after self-loathing cycle. Medespisemethene comes in chewable pill and bubble-gum forms in three flavors: Cigarette Ash, Cheap Scotch, and Toe Of Cowboy Boot. Side affects include: Diphtheria.

  1. Terri Evans

    The art is almost as funny as the story. I look forward to the comments on this story as I know the Dew has the most clever readers anywhere.

  2. I was halfway through the third drug before I realized it was a parody. This piece comically exaggerates the existing problem.
    It is a parody?

  3. This reminds me of my young years waking up and wondering was it love or was it “ludes”.

  4. So, after Terri’s comment I turned on images, but my original thought still seems apt. Now that Hannah is getting persistent invitations to buy Viagra cheap, I’ve been thinking that Mikey, of “He likes it” fame, has finally decided that he doesn’t, after all.
    The spouse is still concerned that what the doctor does after four hours has never been properly explained.

    On another blog a poster just announced:

    FANTASTIC NEWS! (19+ / 0-)

    It was finally confirmed (months and months of months and months) that I am completely sterile!

    I’m shooting blanks!


    You see, nineteen friends agree.

  5. Gee, I never knew any of this stuff even existed. Where can I get the aerosol? I looked on the net but I couldn´t find anything near like what you talked about. Also, this: “…. epoxied under each armpit.” Do you think I could use something like Elmer´s (the white kind my kid takes to school) so my old lady won´t suspect anything? I was thinking I could swap out her deodorant with the glue, maybe put in a little perfume so she wouldn´t notice the glue smell. What do you think?

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