I opened up my e-mail from my children’s dentist and found what was presumably some back-slappin’ humor.

This one was different from most others received from same source. (I have asked several similar e-mail spammers to take me off their mail-lists. But I never opted out of this mailing, even though I have endured lots of disgusting whacko hate humor from the same source.) This one was finally tolerable, and in fact had me laughing at myself, and at both sides of the deeply divided political spectrum.

The intent of the joke was to dishonor all but Dirty and Dirtier Harry, but even Clint Eastwood showed us the folly of “shoot first” when Sean Penn shot an innocent Tim Robbins character in the movie, “Mystic River.”

Furthermore, as Robert Frost once noted, “A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.”* And how, painfully do we now witness how difficult consensus is among progressives?

So let both sides each own their own folly as shown in the following attempted humor.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife locks eyes with you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. What do you do?

Democrat’s Answer:

Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer:

Southerner’s Answer:
Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?’
Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’
Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the taxidermist!

* Frost later revised this to “extreme liberal” (in a speech at the University of Georgia). The quote also appeared in William Ernest Hocking’s What Man Can Make of Man (1942), but he doesn’t provide original attribution, either.

  1. Oy, the laughter of recognition! I could play the role of the wife in the movie version of this joke.
    There is a caribou on our living room wall, and in his study there’s wildebeest, kudu and gemsbok.

  2. Thanks, Austin!

    How do you spell a rebel yell???????

    I would if I could!

  3. Beth Ostlund

    Oh, you DEFINITELY need to get me caught up, darling Austin. Email address given is valid. Love ya!

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