The other day, South Carolina Lite Gov. Andre Bauer (a Republican candidate for governor) compared people who take public assistance to stray animals.

“My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals,” Bauer told a Greenville-area crowd. “You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is, you’ve got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.”

Now, you are probably thinking, “Gita, that can’t be right! Andre Bauer is a good Christian man. It’s part of his campaign to be a Christian, and that statement didn’t sound either Christian or intelligent.”

Please. Allow me to explain. Two hundred years ago, the Gullah people of coastal South Carolina made a pact with Satan. They asked that the white rulers of the state all be so stupid that they’d eventually self destruct.

In return, Satan made them promise to develop an exquisite cuisine that he could enjoy any time he dropped by South Carolina for a little R and R.

“You can keep your souls,” the Lord of Darkness said. “I’ve already got enough souls from the Deep South, what with the cotton plantation owners in Mississippi and the future oil barons in Texas. You just busy yourselves with perfecting shrimp bisque.”

And so it was that South Carolina brought forth Mark Sanford, of the Restless Penis Clan, and Strom Thurmond and Andre Bauer, of the False Christian Clan. Also came Bob Jones (the man and the campus), pioneer of Christian branding and marketing. And even though the white rulers have not yet blown away in a hurricane, each new day brings them closer.

Gita M. Smith

Gita M. Smith

Gita M. Smith is a former Atlanta Journal-Constitution staff writer who covered Alabama -- yes, the whole state -- for the paper's national desk where she fell under  the dangerous influence of Keith Graham and Ron Taylor.  She writes flash fiction at 6S, Thinking 10 and fictionaut.