I am tired of thinking about health care reform. In fact, just the effort of writing that the subject tires me has given me a headache.
It is just too damn difficult to solve. It is a Gordian Knot of political intrigue with no sword bearing Alexander to be found. No Alexander to be had at any price, and God knows the Congresspersons and Senators and administration people involved have not come cheap.
Nope, I am just going to give up on health care and go to work on something simple. In that spirit I have derived a solution to the illegal immigration problem and the crisis in the Middle East/War on Terror. This is so completely brilliant, yet so simple, I am amazed no one ever thought of it before.
Except, of course, the solution has been thought of before. The Romans of the late Republic first conceived it and it went into high gear during the early days of Empire. It served the polity, in its various manifestations, well for almost a millennia. There are those who quibble and say the policy helped destroy the Republic and destroy the people’s control over government but that has never been proved.
What is this magic policy bullet you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. First, we send our various military recruiters down to southern Mexico and throughout Central America and pitch military service, featuring a twenty-five year minimal hitch. The recruit is promised, at the end of his or her service, assuming he or she still lives, complete American citizenship. Maybe even throw in a small estate in Afghanistan, whatever it takes. The new non-citizen recruits get one-half or one-third the pay of similarly ranked citizen recruits, assuming there still are some.
This policy mechanism will allow us to build our armed forces up to millions upon millions more men (and women) under arms. With them we can just flood the Middle East and Central Asia. Overwhelming the terrorists with American fighting men and women without number.
Of course, the existing population of these places cannot be expected to quietly accept this new policy and may resist in some force and with, as President Kennedy used to say, “vigor.” That will, alas, result in the loss of many of our new military “assets.” However, not to worry, there seems to be an endless supply of them. Even if the supply thins, we can always expand the recruiting territory to other countries in Latin America and into Africa as well.
I suspect this expansion will not be required. Before you know it, Central Asia and the near east from the borders of China to the walls of Israel will be a Spanish speaking, Catholic territory governed by the United States military.
No more worries about an Iranian bomb. No more concerns about Pakistani stability in the “tribal areas” for in the tribal areas they will all be celebrating Cinco de Mayo and the Mexican day of the dead.
There will be no more worries about illegal immigrants either. They’ll all be half a world away burning poppies instead of tending American flowerbeds and cleaning bathrooms.
What could be better? Of course, we will have to tend our own gardens and clean our own bathrooms, but isn’t that what everybody wants?
The alternative is to continue to send all the young American men and women over to pacify the great Asian land mass. If we continue to do that, we will have to import the same number of Central Americans and Mexicans to do all the work the young Americans will not be doing as would have been recruited for the great mass war that will last forever. Six of one, half dozen of the other.
The only other alternative is to get Jesus and the Prophet to sit down together in Heaven and sort all this out. I am not optimistic about that possibility. They’ve had a good many years to do that and haven’t yet found the time.
In the meantime, as a second best choice, sending millions upon millions of Latin recruits over to pacify the unruly portions of the planet just makes sense.
Oh Lord, would that health care was so simply solved.