imagining fiction


D814~Andy-Griffith-Show-PostersJust a few years ago, a lost script for the Andy Griffith show was found. It was found at The Snappy Lunch in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, Andy Griffith’s hometown. Efforts to learn more about this script have proven futile. Calls to people associated with the show were never returned. Therefore, we at LikeTheDew.com have no choice but to run the script and let our readers join us in wondering what might have been.

The Death of Helen Crump

ACT ONE

Sheriff Andy Taylor and Floyd the barber are sitting in the courthouse when Gomer Pyle loudly bursts through the doorway.

Gomer:  Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! Miss Crump’s dead!

Andy: What’s that Gomer?  You’re all out of breath.

Gomer: Miss Crump’s dead. She got run over by a school bus.

Opie and his friend Arnold then come running into the courthouse.

Opie:  Pa!  Pa!  Miss Crump’s dead!  She’s really dead, Pa.  Arnold and I saw it happen.

Andy: Now, Opie, you’re all out of breath too, just like Gomer.  Arnold, can you just tell me what happened?

Arnold: Sure, Sheriff. You know that new kid, Chester Fields, who just moved here from Winston-Salem?

Andy: Yeah, I’ve seen him around.

Floyd: Nice boy, Andy, and from a good family.

Andy: I know that, Floyd.  Go on, Arnold.

Arnold: Anyway, Chester was caught passing a note in class to Johnny Paul.

Floyd: Another nice boy, Andy.

Andy: Uh-huh.

2412169899_43868cfd0dArnold: So Miss Crump gets mad and writes a note for Chester to take home to his parents.  But then the bell rings and everyone leaves the classroom.  So Miss Crump takes off after him with the note.  She runs out of the building and right in front of the school bus that’s just pulling up.  Well, the bus runs her over.  It was like in a book I read once.

Floyd: What book was that, son?

Andy: Never mind that now, Floyd!  Well, since I’m the Sheriff, I better go down to the school and write up a report.

Gomer: Andy, can I ride over with you in the squad car?

Andy: Sure, Gomer, but you don’t need to blow the siren.  There’s no hurry in getting there now.  Hey Opie… can you call Miss Peggy and give her the good news, I mean tell her what happened?

Opie: Sure, Pa.

 

ACT TWO

The next day Andy walks into Reverend Tucker’s office.  The Reverend has several balled up sheets of paper strewn across the floor.

Reverend Tucker: Andy, I just don’t understand it.  I’ve been preaching funerals for over 25 years and I’ve always been able to come up with something nice to say about the deceased.  But with Helen Crump, I can’t come up with anything good.

Andy: Don’t worry about it, Reverend.  You’ll think of something, I’m sure.  Anyway, I wanted to invite you over for supper tonight.  Peg’s making leg of lamb, my favorite dish.

 

ACT  THREE

Later that evening, the viewing is taking place. Andy is with Aunt Bee.

andy-griffith-show-season-2Aunt Bee: Well, I guess I’ll miss Helen. I don’t know why but I guess I will.

Andy: Oh we’ll be okay, Aunt Bee. These things happen.

Aunt Bee: Well, I’ve done my part to lift everyone’s spirits.  I’ve made two dozen jars of my pickles to give to the mourners.

A look of pain is on Andy’s face.  He grabs his Deputy, Barney Fife, by the arm and drags him over to a corner in the viewing room.

Andy: She beats everything, you know that?  The last two days have been so nice and now she has to ruin everything with those pickles. … Hey, Barn, I’ve got an idea. …

Andy tells Barney his idea.

Barney: No way, Andy.  I only go incognito in the line of duty.

Andy: Think of the people you’ll be helping, Barney.  It is in the line of duty.

A few minutes later, Barney, wearing a long dress and a flowery hat, walks up to the coffin, pauses and then sets a jar of pickles inside the coffin.  He walks away but returns 10 more times over the next half hour.

Aunt Bee: Who is that frail old lady that keeps going back to the coffin?

Andy: Oh, that’s Helen’s old teacher from high school.  You know, she was a big influence on Helen.

Aunt Bee:  She certainly looks stern.

Andy: Oh she’s just all tore up over Helen, Aunt Bee.

Aunt Bee:  And where is that Deputy of yours?  He was supposed to help me with the pickles.

Andy: Oh don’t you worry, Aunt Bee.  Barney’s got that taken care of.

 

ACT FOUR

The pallbearers are carrying Helen’s coffin to the burial site but they’re tired and irritable.

Otis: Barney!  This coffin is heavy!

Barney: Pipe down Otis!  Pipe down!

Goober: He’s right, Barney.  It feels like we’re hauling Aunt Bee, not Miss Crump!

Barney:  Nip it!  We put jars of Aunt Bee’s pickles in the coffin.  Now unless you would like to eat some of those kerosene cucumbers, you will nip it!

 

ACT FIVE

The next day Andy, Barney and Floyd are sitting outside the courthouse.

andyscn3Barney: That was a pretty good service yesterday but I don’t think Reverend Tucker said one thing about Helen.

Andy: No, he just told a few stories about his days at seminary.  But all in all, everyone had a good time.

Barney: Hey Andy, wasn’t that Aunt Bee’s broach on Helen’s blouse?

Andy: Well , yes.  The other day Aunt Bee and I had to go over to Helen’s to pick out some clothes for the viewing.  So we were going through her dresser drawers and then we found Aunt Bee’s broach. Aunt Bee had suspected that Helen had stolen it from her on that Ladies Auxilary trip to Charlotte.  But Aunt Bee decided Helen could just have it.

Barney: That was nice of her.

Floyd: I saw Peg with you during the service, Andy.

Andy: Yeah, she had a pretty good time.

Floyd: Well, it always makes a nice impression when you bring such an attractive date to your girlfriend’s funeral.

Andy: Yeah, boy.

Right in front of the courthouse, a short man with a rumpled hat walks by. It’s Ernest T. Bass. He’s sobbing uncontrollably.

Andy: Well, it looks like we have another mourner still in town.

Barney:  That’s no mourner. That’s a nut.

###
Jeff Cochran

Jeff Cochran

Jeff Cochran worked in advertising at The Atlanta Journal-Constitution for 27 years before accepting a buy-out in the Summer of 2008. In the seventies/early eighties, he handled advertising for Peaches Records and Tapes' Southeastern and Midwestern stores. He also wrote record reviews for The Great Speckled Bird, a ground-breaking underground newspaper based in Atlanta.

101 Comments
  1. Very Funny…..Thanks, I enjoyed that

    1. It would had been on and been funny only if they faked her death for some reason and had shown miss crump very much alive living somewhere ealse under the witness protection program at the end of the show.

  2. I’m thinking this is the kinda blasphemy that can get a fella sent to hell.
    bobj

  3. I AM APPALLED THIS IS UNBELEIVABLE ANDY GRIFFITH WAS A FAMILY ORIENTED SHOW AND I AM CONVINCED THAT THIS SCRIPT NEVER EXSISTED THERE IS NO WAY THAT ANDY WOULD OF TREATED A MATTER LEIKE THIS SO CARELESS AND CAREFREE!!

    1. sorry jeff this script is known to exist

  4. I AM APPALLED THIS IS TOTALLY UNBELEIVABLE THERE IS NO WAY ANDY WOULD OF TREATED HELENS DEATH THIS LIGHTLY!!!

      1. Is that why he offered several times to divorce his then-wife and marry her?

  5. Ha ha! Chester Fields from Winston-Salem!

    Geeze, do I feel old today..:)

  6. i cant believe that you would make up this script Andy Griffith would never put on T.V. somthing as stupid as this

  7. There is no way Andy Griffith would have accepted this script. This is the worst script the writers could ever produce for such a hit show if it actually did exist. Andy would not take it lightly nor would the other actors in the show for something so raunchy. Sorry I don’t buy it !

    1. Do you buy satire? Cause that is all it is!

    2. Helen could have stolen Aunt Bees broach. Ha

      1. she also committed fraud when she gave Ernest the. Bass a diploma

  8. January 3, 2012
    Jeff,
    Man, I got to tell you, this script is hilarious. Ive read it twice. Cried with laughter. Such clarity. Simplicity. Seriously, this makes me think of the year, 1993, when three friends and I formed a community theater company, The Kudzu Playhouse, and gave performances and donated the monies to charity. We used original characters from Andy Griffith Show but with original scripts that I wrote. There is no way under the sun that I could come close to this one. I love it, Jeff.
    On a website called, HubPages.com I published a story such as this, but it was with The Waltons. The name of the script: “The Waltons: Lost Episode–Where’s Our Truck, Dude? And although I tried, still not as funny as this from you.
    Sincerely,
    A FAN
    Kenneth Avery
    Hamilton, AL.
    email: [email protected]

    1. its mediocre at best…………just being honest

  9. The ‘script’ opens with Gomer (who left the show in 64 for USMC).
    ‘Helen’ died in 95. You’re a ‘funny’ man but you can’t fool everyone. Find something more constructive to do with your time.

  10. OMG, I simply cant believe just how dumb a few really are…lol. This was meant to be funny, and OBVIOUSLY would never have been on! Trying to picture it happening as I read it…ha. My God ppl…get a clue! Well done…

    1. You haven’t fooled anyone, so stop patting yourself on the back. People feel strongly about the show and its characters. Many loved her character and many hated it–and wished that the show somehow veered from its wholesome non-violent format for just a moment and killed the character of “Helen Crump” …any way they could.

  11. thats why that script was NEVER aired cause Andy may have threw it out and some noisy body found it and now having their fun with a script Andy himself thought was thoughtless,careless,heartless. Andy cared too much about people to air a script like that on his show.

    1. it never ceases to AMAZE me how fans think they KNOW the actors PERSONALLY? LOL who KNOWS how Andy Griffin, the person NOT the ACTOR, true feelings abt anything?

    2. She was hateful. I wish this script were true

  12. Loved it!! I always thought Peggy was the best girlfriend for Andy. Cannot believe anyone thought this was actually a “lost script”. Get a clue!

  13. Totally fake! Gomer had already left the show early on and Goober was his replacement.

  14. Coverup: Barney’s affair with Helen is now uncovered.

    1. And Barney should have been fired

      1. Hey dump f***** that mean she was a good actor because it’s the writer who puts the words are mouth you stupid f***

  15. Total BullCrap. Helen didn’t join the show until well after Gomer left to join the Marines…and in fact had his own hit “Gomer Pyle USMC”. Obviously Jeff Cochran is just a lying, attention seeking moron. Or, the worst journalist in the world when he couldn’t even check out a simple time line of the show…what a douche.

  16. BenPumpiner, what you don’t know about “The Andy Griffith Show” could fill several books. And has. Maybe YOU should check out the timeline of the show.

  17. chill out people! I thought it was funny. Ridiculous in it’s satire it was like if someone had a nightmare about the Andy Griffith show. Everyone is in character but they are doing things and saying things the real characters never would. Of course if Helen died it wouldn’t be funny and Aunt Bea would not be worried about pickles, That’s what makes it funny!. If you don’t understand satire, you are going to end up being an “offense seeker”. It’s exactly like a twilight zone. Everyone is the same yet they are acting bizarre.

    1. Yes it would be funny I hate that bi tc h

      1. You should hear how she talks about you.

  18. It would had been on and been funny only if they faked her death for some reason and had shown miss crump very much alive living somewhere ealse under the witness protection program at the end of the show……

  19. Geez everyone. Lighten up. It was just someones idea of a joke. I thought it was funny!

  20. Well somebody has definetley got the pulse of that show,and if it was today’s timeframe that Shri would of been pretty memorable, it’s a shame she’s gone in real life ,but she was a more like Ms.Grump not Ms. Crump,reminded me of a real bitchy English teacher I had that never had any fun except test time .

  21. God I hated that bi t c h.
    Hi just saw an episode where she was trying to tell Andy what Doctor he should use to take Opies tonsils out …his own son,and Helen b::itch gonna try to tell andy who can operate on his kid? I wanted to slap her so bad.
    I have hated her in all episodes but especially that one.

    1. Helen was horrible. Glad she’s gone. Good for the bus

    2. Are you freaking kidding me he was the only Doc in town, and he was the priest from mash, so there you go he was a good one

      1. He also played the IRS guy who was sent to collect the taxes from the prizes Aunt Bee won… while in Hollywood….when she was on the game show. 👍

        1. how come there were no black folks in mayberry?

          1. Flip conroy former football player was only one ever except in background some was walking. i always wondered that myself.

    3. It’s just TV don’t have a stroke over it.

      1. My comment was months ago,wow. You’re late.

  22. a lot of people have mistaken his name for “Griffin” including myself, up untill a few years ago.

  23. Gosh, it’s hard to believe Andy was that heartless. I think they didn’t air the episode because the producers knew it would have hurt ratings. (Everyone would have seen how heartless Andy really was.) At least we now know why Helen disappeared from the show.

  24. He should’ve stayed with Ellie the druggist. Always liked her.

    1. plus, she was able to get the good stuff…..# just sayin

  25. I’m 100% sure this was written tongue-in-cheek and meant to be an inside joke – never ever intended to be thought to be a serious script that was being considered.

  26. I’m sure this is bullshit NONE of that fits their personalities for a situation like that and IF it was a real script good thing it was never made because it REALLY sucked

  27. Total crap. A script isn’t just, “found”.

    1. It’s obviously a fake satire, but why can’t a script be found? M*A*S*H had at least three storylines that never made it on screen, at least one of which, “Hawkeye On the Double,” did have a script.

      Also, the pilot of I Love Lucy was lost until the relative of an actor who was given a copy learned that no other copy was know to exist.

  28. My husband totally hated Helen Crump. After years of watching episodes with her in them, over and over again, I see what he means. She brought Andy down every chance she got . Now Thelma Lou that’s another story…Barney should have married that gem.

    1. Not true. She was very supportive of Andy and understood him well (although she came across as a bit over-sensitive in a few episodes).

  29. That script SUCKED! Although I never really liked Helen…that script was just mean. I wouldn’t have like the show as much had Andy and Aunt Bee been that heartless. Helen was just too jealous…and she turned into a total monster whenever there was another woman anywhere near Andy. I LOVED PEGGY tho. I think she should’ve been Andy’s love interest the whole time. And I really HATE that Barney didn’t marry ThelmaLou…she was such a doll..and she adored Barney…even though he was scrawny and couldn’t sing a lick. I know Aunt Bee’s pickles were horrible…but I would’ve LOVED to try one. One thing I couldn’t understand…..well..three…how Andy and Barney were introduced as cousins…but later on just friends..how Aunt Bee said she entered the pickle contest for 10 years and lost for10 years ( 11)…but she hadn’t even been in Mayberry that long…and how cast members were used to play different characters. Like Howard..the insurance man…and Howard the county clerk. And I forget her name..but she was the blonde who worked at the diner. Goober liked her..but she liked Andy. She also was in the episode where Andy and Barney went to the reunion
    ..and she told Barney how she always liked him in high school. There were many instances…Clara played a couple different characters…as did Charlene Darling. But..anyway…I’m rambling. I LOVE this show. I watch it everyday.

    1. Absolutely agree with Karla. I wouldn’t have liked that episode either and glad it never aired.

  30. He should have married Mary the blond nurse. She’s the one Andy couldn’t even get to be alone with because of Barnie’s over-the-top presumptuous behavior. Andy did end up telling Mary he wanted to court her an then gave her s big kiss.

    1. You mean Peggy? She appeared in a few episodes as a nurse, complete with a uniform and patch, and cooked dinner for Opie and Andy (as well as singing Down In The Valley when they were on the porch).

      1. No, they actually had similar story lines. But the blond nurse was who he kissed. I still say Helen was fine for him, but…I liked Ellie.

  31. Whoever wrote the script about Helen Crump is dead obviously had watched The Andy Griffith Show quite a bit and understood the characters and the way they express themselves like Floyd for example that’s kind of what makes it so funny to make Andy so heartless because he never would have been that way about Helen so I agree with K Andersen my name is K Anderson

  32. dog toys

    Andy Griffith’s Lost Episode: The Death of Helen Crump | LikeTheDew.com

  33. This is just plain stupid and a insult to the intelligence of anyone that’s watched the show.

  34. I hated all of it, I don’t know whose idea this was but it’s just plain wrong. Not funny at all.

    1. In reality Andy and Helen were having an affair. Helen wouldn’t marry him after his divorce. Andy probably wrote this script in retaliation.

  35. I just read the so called “Lost Script”. I think someone made up this Crap just to lure People to believe there was a Lost Script. They done well because we all read it, However, IT’S STUPID &I HATE IT !!! Asshole who wrote it was making Andy & All of Mayberry look Stupid as well. As for Helen Crump, She done a great Girlfriend for Andy . Ellen Donahue was the 1st one / The Druggest, was a Snobby ole Heffer. Her & Andy didn’t get along off & on Screen, as for Helen, Her & Andy once loved each other in real life. As far as the Script here, It’s not any good at all. So you with ur Idea’s of how the Show Should’ve Wrote was Terrible !!!

  36. I like Helen on the show she was the best girlfriend Andy had love the Andy Griffith Show???This is a bull script

  37. You all are ding dogs. This was obviously meant to be funny. How could so many of you not see that? Have you ever heard of satire? I was laughing all the way through it. It captured all the characters perfectly. Goodness people, I still don’t understand how almost all of you couldn’t tell it was written in jest. Ya boy!

    1. How bout killin off dem dad gum Darlins, or Warren? Howard Sprague could have drowned, or died of cirrhosis when he took off for that island. Mayor Stoner & Fred Goss could have died in a town fire. And there’s no doubt about it, Andy should have beaten Roger Hanover to death. Everyone would have understood that. He was messin with Andy’s petunia’s for God’s sake! If Roger had just taken Aunt Bee away, the whole world would have been happy, most of all Andy & Opie. Lydia Crosswaithe could have been hit by Gilly Walker’s jalopy while stalking Goober.

      Miz Crump really had to die. She was the worst of Andy’s love interests. Although Peggy McCay as Sharon DeSpain, Andy’s old high school flame could possibly replace Helen as Andy’s top albatross. But thankfully, there was a stable of hotties that I wanted Andy “to arrest,” if you catch my drift? Here they are in “my order” of desirability or “heat index:” Sue Ane Langdon, Julie Adams, Susan Oliver, Barbara Eden, Ruta Lee & Whitnet Blake.

      Elinor Donahue would never qualify with these first stringers. In fact, she should have been murdered by Cheerio Meredith in a pharmacy robbery (she just wanted the pills denied her). Peggy was hot, but she liked snails and that overbite was,….well, somewhat annoying, even though Ryan O’neal didn’t think so. As a result, Tatum O’neal’s mom used to skip rocks with the Sheriff of Mayberry. Who’da thunk it?

      My last death sentence has to be Aunt Bee. Shouldn’t her name have been “Bea,” short for Beatrice? She needs to pay for all the mayhem & chaos she caused. She wouldn’t “call the man, ” & she supported that sleaze ball Mr. Frisby. Therefore, I can either have her crashing her plane on her solo flight, or possibly being asphyxiated making another batch of pickles. Yep, that’ll work. Hey, maybe Andy could bury her in that blonde wig. Yikes! She looked like George Washington in that thing.

      Rest in peace to all my least favorite Mayberry characters. I had fun -s a t i r i z i n g- my all time favorite show.

    2. I totally agree with you!!! Lol

  38. How bout killin off dem dad gum Darlins, or Warren? Howard Sprague could have drowned, or died of cirrhosis when he took off for that island. Mayor Stoner & Fred Goss could have died in a town fire. And there’s no doubt about it, Andy should have beaten Roger Hanover to death. Everyone would have understood that. He was messin with Andy’s petunia’s for God’s sake! If Roger had just taken Aunt Bee away, the whole world would have been happy, most of all Andy & Opie. Lydia Crosswaithe could have been hit by Gilly Walker’s jalopy while stalking Goober.

    Miz Crump really had to die. She was the worst of Andy’s love interests. Although Peggy McCay as Sharon DeSpain, Andy’s old high school flame could possibly replace Helen as Andy’s top albatross. But thankfully, there was a stable of hotties that I wanted Andy “to arrest,” if you catch my drift? Here they are in “my order” of desirability or “heat index:” Sue Ane Langdon, Julie Adams, Susan Oliver, Barbara Eden, Ruta Lee & Whitnet Blake.

    Elinor Donahue would never qualify with these first stringers. In fact, she should have been murdered by Cheerio Meredith in a pharmacy robbery (she just wanted the pills denied her). Peggy was hot, but she liked snails and that overbite was,….well, somewhat annoying, even though Ryan O’neal didn’t think so. As a result, Tatum O’neal’s mom used to skip rocks with the Sheriff of Mayberry. Who’da thunk it?

    My last death sentence has to be Aunt Bee. Shouldn’t her name have been “Bea,” short for Beatrice? She needs to pay for all the mayhem & chaos she caused. She wouldn’t “call the man, ” & she supported that sleaze ball Mr. Frisby. Therefore, I can either have her crashing her plane on her solo flight, or possibly being asphyxiated making another batch of pickles. Yep, that’ll work. Hey, maybe Andy could bury her in that blonde wig. Yikes! She looked like George Washington in that thing.

    Rest in peace to all my least favorite Mayberry characters. I had fun
    -s a t i r i z i n g- my all time favorite show.

  39. I thinks that “script” is alot of bunk.Knowing that show as I do,the
    “script” does not have the flavor of the shows writers,nor do I think they would ever write one about Helen dying tragically,if at all.This was comedic television,not drama.

  40. I loved Helen and thought she was perfect for Andy…Barney should have married Thelma Lou…the lost script….Hmmmmm Andy, Aunt Bee, Goober, etc would have never said mean things a about Helen. Andy was much to calm when he heard about her death….Helen would have never stolen Aunt Bee’s broach either!

  41. The Chesterfields from Winston-Salem. Hooboy!😂

  42. What was the idiot that wrote this smoking? It most assuredly IS NOT an Andy Griffith Episode!

  43. This is terrible writing and not at all in character with The Andy Griffith Show. It was not written by the show’s writers and was never meant for production. No way! This is a FAKE and a bad one at that!

  44. This is just a bad joke (or should I say badly-written?). Some of you may recall that at some point in the fictional land of “TV Land,” (but not on a TV episode), Andy had married Helen and they had a child. The couple reappeared in one episode of “Mayberry RFD” with a story line of having a baptism and selecting a godfather. As it turned out, Emmett, Goober, and (third person, maybe Barney, maybe Floyd?) fulfilled the job. This information may be online, but I do not want to check this out. I actually got to this site because I was looking up the actress Peggy McCay, who was on “The Alfred Hitchcock Hour” today. I could not remember where I had seen her until I looked it up. Ain’t the internet grand!!!!?????

  45. I’m quite certain this was all meant as a joke. nothing serious. mostly just for those who didn’t like Andy and Helen together. (In fact, doesn’t it actually state that they just let their imaginations run?

  46. I think Someone was Sitting in A Waffle House Laughing as they were Writing this. LOL! And just in case Anyone is interested. It Took Helen to Get Andy to Kiss or even Hug A Woman On Screen. He Hated it ! That’s Why they went Through 3 Girlfriends before Her that Only Cut An Episode or 2. They Finally! Thought Hmmmm their Under the Sheets in the Dressing Room !! That Might make A Diff. And It Did So Well that We Wanted Them To Get Married For Real! !! So Who Ever Wrote It was Having F.U.N !!

  47. By The Way ! After A Brain Infection I Still Watch Andy Griffith Daily On TV LAND. I Had Amnesia & He Was 1 of The things that Felt Comfortable & Familiar

  48. Don’t know if I cried more reading this script or when Old Yeller got shot I’m torn between the two! Oh got to go my Pop-Tart just popped up! Oh boy blueberry!

  49. Anyone who is even a minimal fan of the Andy Griffith show can see this alleged scrip is a crock of you know what. While there is an attempt to tie it into some historic episodes of the show like the pickle story, nothing in the words describing Helen as a person remotely fits with how the actual writers portrayed the Helen Crump character during the series. Helen being a thief, Reverend Tucker not being able to come up with anything nice to say about Helen implying no one knew her to be a nice person, even the way her death was announced. None of that fits with the years of writing style used during the run of the series. I can’t believe this is a long lost script, it reads more like a long lost imposter.

  50. She was the only one that Andy had a affair with. Unless this was wrote by his in real life wife its BS.

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